DOI issue:
March 13, 1858
DOI Page / Citation link:https://doi.org/10.11588/diglit.16621#0110
102
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[March 13, 1858.
PROFESSOR WILLJABBER DERBY'S CLEVER HAT-TRICK.
BALLADS EOR THE BARRACK-ROOM.
No. 3
Am—" All's Well."
Hot from the Guard-room's reeking stew,
His spongy great-coat sodden through,
His head with senseless shako crowned,
The sentry walks rheumatic round.
And should civilian querist stray,
And question in his saucy way,
" What cheer, ho ? Sentry, quickly tell."
" In fact, all wrong: in word, All's well! "
From guard-bed comrades' steaming heap,
Turned out all standing, half asleep,
Great-coat on back and stock on neck,
His perspiration gets a check ;
And while, half-starved, he dreams of beer,
Could civil question catch his ear,
" What cheer, ho ? Sentry, quickly tell."
" In fact, all wrong : in word, All's well! "
Moriendo Vivimus.
{By Sir John Pakington.)
"Live to die," says the preacher: but no—
" Die to live " more suits our constitution.
We '11 keep in by threatening to go,
And survive on our own dissolution.
the ruin op law.
Who says that Law is such a ruinous, expensive thing
—a luxury only within the reach of Rothschilds ? Why,
look at the British Bank Directors, how very cheaply they
have got off !__
Bad News por Irritable Scotchmen.—The Duke
op Argyll (bless him!) has lost his Post.
RULES FOR THE NEW GAME OF DIVORCE.
Mr. Punch, observing in the window of a law-stationer not a hundred
miles from the Rainbow, in Fleet Street, a blue pamphlet, of folio form,
entitled Rules and Orders of Her Majesty's Court for Divorce and
Matrimonial Causes, instantly invested sixpence in the purchase of
the same, and rushing into the tabema above indicated, addressed
himself with great earnestness to the perusal of the document, with
the aid of a few tumblers of a hot mixture bearing his own name, and
worthy to bear it.
The work contains fifty-seven rules for getting rid of one's hus-
band or wife, divers forms of citation, petition, answer, and other
Dods, M. Soyer, or some other author on Cookery, to be selected by
herself. Errors in entrees and entremets to be condonable, but the
second blunder in plain cookery is to dismiss the woman's petition.
Rule XXX. That no husband shall be favoured by the Court who
has been proved to assign " business " as a reason for his being out
until half-past three, and then returning in a state of mops and
brooms.
Rule XXXIII. That shirt-buttons, being an invention of the dark
ages, and long superseded by enlightenment and studs, shall not be
assigned in evidence by any husband.
Rule XL. That in cases -where the evidence is equally poised, credit
and favour shall be accorded to the party who is proved to have been
machinery for effecting that object, and a table of fees which have to j the most diligent reader of Punch. It is unnecessary to provide for
be paid in the process. But these are only the fees to be paid to Sir j the case of equality here also, because it is morally and physically im-
Cresswell Cresswell's officials, and are a very small part of what i possible that any couple in the constant habit of reading their Punch
divorce will cost—the whole of the luxuries enumerated in the carte, attentively can ever quarrel, far less desire separation, or, in short, have
from citation to an Examiner's daily pay, not amounting to £20. The ! any difference which cannot be instantly settled with a laugh and a
proctor or attorney's bill will tell another story. kiss._______
Some of the rules are merely technical, others are to the purpose. -——
For instance ;—■
Rule IX. That no wife shall be entitled to relief under this act, if
the husband can show that her milliner's bill for any single year of
their marriage exceeded the sum of £50.
Rule XIII. That the word "cruelty " (in the 20 and 21 Vict. cap. 85)
shall not be held to mean smoking in the parlour or library, but shall
mean smoking in any other apartment in the conjugal mansion.
Rule XVI. That no mother-in-law's evidence shall be credited if
given in favour of her own offspring, but that the same may be received
on the other side, with the caution usually observed in listening to the
allegations of old parties.
Rule XIX. That in any petition presented to this Court, the words
"he behaved like a brute" shall be taken as words of course, and as
superfluous, unless specific explanations are given.
Rule XXI. That any husband shall be debarred from relief by this
Court if he can be proved to have ever hinted that he threw himself
away in marriage, to have refused his wife a month at the sea-side, or
to have received perfumed correspondence at his club.
Rule XXVII. That any wife shall be debarred from relief by this
Court, unless she can undergo an examination in Miss Acton. Meg
TO THE LOVERS OF BOILED BEEF.
The celebrated shop of Williams', in the Old Bailey, has had its
glory completely put out. It is the Horse-Guards that is now known
in London as The Celebrated Boiled Beee Shop. Country cousins
will probably be surprised to learn, that every day about one o'clock
Prince Albert, or the Duke op Cambridge, or the Marquis op
Something, may be seen taking it in turns to carve the meat for the
soldiers. They turn up their sleeves, put on a cotton nightcap, wear
a white apron, and are extremely expert at the business. In fact, in
rotundity and dexterity, our illustrious Prince promises in time to
eclipse the well-known robust figure that formerly officiated at the
corner of Cranbourne Court, and whom Horace Smith nicknamed
"Eternity;" because,no matter at what time of the day he happened
to pass, there was the brawny-armed hero veneering away at the beef,
incessantly flourishing backwards and forwards his silvery knife, that
was lithe and long, and trembled like a Harlequin's wand. Country
cousins should by all means look in at the Horse-Guards, and take a
good peep at His Royal Highness. The Duke is not so dexterous
perhaps, at the business, but he gives the men larger slices.
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[March 13, 1858.
PROFESSOR WILLJABBER DERBY'S CLEVER HAT-TRICK.
BALLADS EOR THE BARRACK-ROOM.
No. 3
Am—" All's Well."
Hot from the Guard-room's reeking stew,
His spongy great-coat sodden through,
His head with senseless shako crowned,
The sentry walks rheumatic round.
And should civilian querist stray,
And question in his saucy way,
" What cheer, ho ? Sentry, quickly tell."
" In fact, all wrong: in word, All's well! "
From guard-bed comrades' steaming heap,
Turned out all standing, half asleep,
Great-coat on back and stock on neck,
His perspiration gets a check ;
And while, half-starved, he dreams of beer,
Could civil question catch his ear,
" What cheer, ho ? Sentry, quickly tell."
" In fact, all wrong : in word, All's well! "
Moriendo Vivimus.
{By Sir John Pakington.)
"Live to die," says the preacher: but no—
" Die to live " more suits our constitution.
We '11 keep in by threatening to go,
And survive on our own dissolution.
the ruin op law.
Who says that Law is such a ruinous, expensive thing
—a luxury only within the reach of Rothschilds ? Why,
look at the British Bank Directors, how very cheaply they
have got off !__
Bad News por Irritable Scotchmen.—The Duke
op Argyll (bless him!) has lost his Post.
RULES FOR THE NEW GAME OF DIVORCE.
Mr. Punch, observing in the window of a law-stationer not a hundred
miles from the Rainbow, in Fleet Street, a blue pamphlet, of folio form,
entitled Rules and Orders of Her Majesty's Court for Divorce and
Matrimonial Causes, instantly invested sixpence in the purchase of
the same, and rushing into the tabema above indicated, addressed
himself with great earnestness to the perusal of the document, with
the aid of a few tumblers of a hot mixture bearing his own name, and
worthy to bear it.
The work contains fifty-seven rules for getting rid of one's hus-
band or wife, divers forms of citation, petition, answer, and other
Dods, M. Soyer, or some other author on Cookery, to be selected by
herself. Errors in entrees and entremets to be condonable, but the
second blunder in plain cookery is to dismiss the woman's petition.
Rule XXX. That no husband shall be favoured by the Court who
has been proved to assign " business " as a reason for his being out
until half-past three, and then returning in a state of mops and
brooms.
Rule XXXIII. That shirt-buttons, being an invention of the dark
ages, and long superseded by enlightenment and studs, shall not be
assigned in evidence by any husband.
Rule XL. That in cases -where the evidence is equally poised, credit
and favour shall be accorded to the party who is proved to have been
machinery for effecting that object, and a table of fees which have to j the most diligent reader of Punch. It is unnecessary to provide for
be paid in the process. But these are only the fees to be paid to Sir j the case of equality here also, because it is morally and physically im-
Cresswell Cresswell's officials, and are a very small part of what i possible that any couple in the constant habit of reading their Punch
divorce will cost—the whole of the luxuries enumerated in the carte, attentively can ever quarrel, far less desire separation, or, in short, have
from citation to an Examiner's daily pay, not amounting to £20. The ! any difference which cannot be instantly settled with a laugh and a
proctor or attorney's bill will tell another story. kiss._______
Some of the rules are merely technical, others are to the purpose. -——
For instance ;—■
Rule IX. That no wife shall be entitled to relief under this act, if
the husband can show that her milliner's bill for any single year of
their marriage exceeded the sum of £50.
Rule XIII. That the word "cruelty " (in the 20 and 21 Vict. cap. 85)
shall not be held to mean smoking in the parlour or library, but shall
mean smoking in any other apartment in the conjugal mansion.
Rule XVI. That no mother-in-law's evidence shall be credited if
given in favour of her own offspring, but that the same may be received
on the other side, with the caution usually observed in listening to the
allegations of old parties.
Rule XIX. That in any petition presented to this Court, the words
"he behaved like a brute" shall be taken as words of course, and as
superfluous, unless specific explanations are given.
Rule XXI. That any husband shall be debarred from relief by this
Court if he can be proved to have ever hinted that he threw himself
away in marriage, to have refused his wife a month at the sea-side, or
to have received perfumed correspondence at his club.
Rule XXVII. That any wife shall be debarred from relief by this
Court, unless she can undergo an examination in Miss Acton. Meg
TO THE LOVERS OF BOILED BEEF.
The celebrated shop of Williams', in the Old Bailey, has had its
glory completely put out. It is the Horse-Guards that is now known
in London as The Celebrated Boiled Beee Shop. Country cousins
will probably be surprised to learn, that every day about one o'clock
Prince Albert, or the Duke op Cambridge, or the Marquis op
Something, may be seen taking it in turns to carve the meat for the
soldiers. They turn up their sleeves, put on a cotton nightcap, wear
a white apron, and are extremely expert at the business. In fact, in
rotundity and dexterity, our illustrious Prince promises in time to
eclipse the well-known robust figure that formerly officiated at the
corner of Cranbourne Court, and whom Horace Smith nicknamed
"Eternity;" because,no matter at what time of the day he happened
to pass, there was the brawny-armed hero veneering away at the beef,
incessantly flourishing backwards and forwards his silvery knife, that
was lithe and long, and trembled like a Harlequin's wand. Country
cousins should by all means look in at the Horse-Guards, and take a
good peep at His Royal Highness. The Duke is not so dexterous
perhaps, at the business, but he gives the men larger slices.