Punch (34.1858)

144

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[April 10, 1858.

MOMENTOUS BUT DOUBTFUL.

mong the Continental Court
News in a morning contem-
porary, we find the following
announcement:—

" Paris, March 31.—The Prince
Imperial was taken for exercise
yesterday morning to the reserved
garden of the Tuileries, and played
about there for nearly an hour."

The little Prince was taken
to the garden and played.
Did play, or was played ?
Was his Imperial Highness
—two feet odd in height—
passively played and dandled
up and down, backwards and
forwards ; or did he himself
play actively about with a
little ball, or a soldier-doll, or
any other species of toy ?

These may, by some people,
be considered frivolous ques-
tions ; but their gravity will
be duly appreciated by all
those who regard the fact
intended to be conveyed in
the above paragraph relative
to the Imperial child, as one
of sufficient importance for
publication.

STATES OF MIND AND LIQUOR.

A New name has been invented for those
people who used to be briefly denominated sots,
or, with greater verbosity, habitual drunkards.
They are now called, by medical writers, " dip-
somaniacs;" that is to say, maniacs who are
thirsty-mad. Now the fact is, that such persons
are so far from being thirsty-mad, that, as the
nigger phrase is, they " drinkee for drunkee,"
and do not, at all, in any measure, "drinkee
for dry." With real accuracy in view, and ety-
mological propriety out of the question, they
might more scientifically be styled tipsyma-
niacs.

To these unfortunate individuals is now also
applied the term " oiuomarjiacs;" people who
are mad on wine. But this phrase is also
objectionable, for the maniacs in question evince
their madness chiefly by excess in grog; besides
which the adulteration of liquor is now carried
to such an extent, that there is hardly any wine
remaining for any patient predisposed to genuine
oinomania to get drunk upon.

Feast on the First Instant.

The patrons of homoeopathy in London and
the vicinity, including several noblemen of rank,
dined together at, the Goose and Gridiron on All
Fools' Day.

THE RAG MERCHANT'S ADVICE TO SERVANTS.

A Gentleman, whose name and address we do not choose to adver-
tise, but who describes himself as a

"BAG, BONE, METAL AND KITCHEN STUFF MERCHANT,"

and lives near Torrington Place, either thrust, or caused to be thrust,
Jr had thrust for him without his knowledge, under the door of a
piivate residence, a certain handbill addressed

•' TO ALL WHOM IT MAY CONCERN ! "

That is to say, according to the next ensuing specification of the
persons meant, "The Cook," "The Ladies' Maid," "The Kitchen
Maid," " The House Maid" and "The Pootman." Howbeit,
t he document happened to fall into the hands of the Master of the
house.

To each of the above-named domestics are addressed a few lines of
poetical advice. As, for instance, to

" THE COOK.

Yes Tooks, i wish a word with you, pray all your dripping save
I weigh like Gold, and as for Price most liberally behave ;
Weigh it yourselves, if you prefer, i only court a Trial,
Of my honesty, which you will find, is quite beyond denial."

Most housewives are in the habit of recommending their cooks to
save dripping—for employment in culinary operations, and not for
sale. Mr. Stars says that he courts a trial. Let him take care that
he does not encounter one which may, perhaps, result in a conviction.
He runs a great risk of receiving stolen goods, and of being considered
to have known that they were stolen.

Here are two more specimens of this respectable Merchant's area
minstrelsy:—

"THE LADIES' MAID.

When ladies turn their wardrobes out, with such as is your share,
Just hasten off to me, and you will find i use you fair;
I buy old clothes of any kind,—no matter large or small,
The quantity may chance to be, if yuu '11 but give a call.

"THE KITCHEN MAID.

I say to Kitchen Maids, then whom there's none works harder,
Take care of every scrap of Fat from scullery or larder ;
' A pin a day is a groat a year,' then surely 'twill be found,
That Kitchen stuff at such a time brings many a shining pound.
Of Bones too, let them careful be, to buy which i am willing,
And tho' the value is not great, they '11 bring them oft a shilling."

Mr. Stars' statement that he buys old clothes of any kind is
likely to cause a frequent loss of apparel in those families wherein that
information is known to the servants. Gentlemen who lost their
handkerchiefs in the streets whilst Field Lane was, used oftentimes to
go and repurchase them in Pield Lane. Por missing capes, cuffs,
collars, departed crape and muslin, and crinoline flown away, ladies

who know of Mr. Stars' establishment, might perhaps judiciously
send some proper person or functionary to inquire thereat. The con-
sequences of the search might, as before suggested, be unpleasant to
Mr. Stars.

John Thomas is favoured with the following exhortation :—

" THE FOOTMAN.

Sprightly Footman, list, oh list, pray ever careful be,

Of all the little odds and ends, that comes by right to thee,

The Candle-ends of wax or sperm, old clothes which oft are thine,

Old Livery Buttons and other things, I purchase in my line.

Give me a Trial—and Presto ! you quickly will behold,

My mode of changing such like things to bright and sparkling gold."

Candle-ends, old clothes, and livery-buttons, are materials of which,
to be capable of conversion into gold, by the alchemy of Mr. Stars,
the quantity must be large. The other things, in case_ they are such
things as spoons, might easily enough, if consisting of silver, be trans-
muted into the more precious metal. Before, however, taking those
other things, at least, to the philosopher's laboratory, let Mk, John
ask himself how he would like to exchange the footboard for the
treadmill, and, instead of displaying his calves on the former, to exer-
cise them on the latter?

The author of the foregoing "Advice to Servants" continues_his
address, by returning his thanks to the "Inhabitants" of his neigh-
bourhood. If his advice has been taken by the servants, the principal
inhabitants he has to thank, are those who inhabit the kitchens. To
such of the inhabitants as occupy the houses, it may be interesting to
know that he—

" Has made arrangements to Collect all kinds of Goods between 7 and 9 o'clock
in the Morning, and all Persons wishing to be Called on regularly will oblige by
sending orders to that effect."

Possibly, those bouseholders may be apprehensive of being called
upon, as some domestics say, " unbeknown to Master and Missis." A
policeman may be judiciously engaged to keep an eye on the area-gate
between the hours of 7 and 9 a.m.

Mr. Stars' bill concludes with the subjoined tariff:—

" 2d!, to lid. per pound for Kitchen Stuff. 4%d. per pound for Dripping, Half-
penny to Three-farthings for Mixed Rags. And the Highest Prices for every other
Article in the Line."

Perhaps the foregoing commixture of poetry and prose may not be
intended to tempt domestic servants to rob their employers, but it is
very likely, if not expressly calculated, to have that effect. House-
keepers in the neighbourhood of Torrington Place will do well to keep
an eye on the larder, review the wardrobe frequently, and at short
intervals take stock of the plate. Mistakes may happen in the best
regulated families ; but, in those not under the strictest regulation,
the counsels of such a merchant as Mr. Stars are in great danger of
being mistaken—that is to say, if they are honest. In that case, "to
all whom it may concern," the misfortune may happen of having to
change domestic service for the less comfortable condition of penal
servitude.