Punch: Punch (39.1860)

180

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI

[November 3, 1860.


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CAUTION TO YOUNG LADIES WHO RIDE IN CRINOLINE ON DONKEYS.

THE RETURN FROM RAMSGATE.

“ By sea? or not by sea? that was the question, answered unfor-
tunately in the affirmative.”

Oh ! the sea, the sea! the beautiful sea!

And the beautiful Prince of Wales !

But the way was long to Tilbury,

And the Prince was a Prince of Snails.

Oh! the waves, the waves ! the glorious waves!

And the sparkling, dancing, spray !

And the hollow depths of the Eoreland caves!

And the— ! “Isn’t it rough, sir, pray ?”

“ Call this rough! why it is but a puff— ”

“ But don’t you think it will rain ?

And puff, or rough, I see clear enough.

We shall miss the Tilbury train.”"

And the wild wind blew, and the white spray flew,

And the rain fell heavily,

And the Prince groaned in vain, for the time of the train
Was past ere we landed at Tilbury.

“ Train waits! ” is the cry, as wife, children, and I
Rush onwards regardless of weather.

“ Take your seats,” they call out, while I look about,

To get all our boxes together.

Oh! those boxes, and hampers, carpet-bags, and port-
manteaus !

They were but eighteen in all;

But to get them on shore, took some minutes more
Than the train would concede to our call.

With a scream and a groan the fierce monster was gone,
With our six pretty bairns in its keeping,

While we two bereft, on the platform were left,

With no other resource but weeping.

Oh! the sea! the sea! the deceitful sea!

And the faithless Prince of Wales !

Oh! that long long hour at Tilbury,

With its iron-hearted rails!

THE MATRIMONY MARKET.

It will of course be in the remembrance of our readers (who cannot
fail to recollect every precious wprd we print for them), that a month
or two ago we inserted an advertisement,—not in our fly-leaf,—which
purported to emanate from a young and single gentleman, who was
desirous of finding a young lady for a wife. The advertiser said, with
equal modesty and truth, that he was accomplished, sweetly tempered,
and possessed of every virtue, including a fine figure and a fortune
made to match. All he stipulated for in the object of his choice was,
that the young lady should have health and cheerful spirits, and, as an
absolute necessity, should be a friendless orphan, that she might not
bring a mother-in-law or other meddlesome relation to vex her husband’s
peace.

As a contrast to this simple and unselfish offer, we beg to call the
notice of our readers to the following, which has actually appeared in
a contemporary print:—

MATRIMONY.—A GENTLEMAN under 30 years of age, engaged in
mercantile pursuits, and that extensively, takes this opportunity of obtaining
an INTRODUCTION to a LADY -with a view to MATRIMONY. The advertiser
considers his fortune equal to £12,000, he has a very nice house standing in its own
grounds, which are extensive, in a very healthy part of one of the finest counties in
England, and if any lady (after an introduction, should that prove mutually satis-
factory) possessed of a sum equal to one-half of his capital, wish or feel inclined to
link her fate with his, he will do all in his power to promote her happiness and
obtain her love. This mode of effecting a matrimonial alliance may be novel, but
what is a man to do who cannot make his wants and desires known otherwise?
This advertisement is written in a fair and honourable spirit, the strictest reliance
may be placed in the integrity of the writer, and he may be fully depended upon.—
Address, Ac.

never dream of “considering” a property to be such and such a sum.
They ascertain by valuation what it really is, and then state in black
and white the actual amount.

Whether he be owner of twelve thousand pounds or not, it is pretty
clear the advertiser wants to grab six thousand, and we believe this is
the end and aim of his advertisement. Money and not matrimony is
his real object; and so long as she be owner of those six thousand
charms, he will little care what else his wife may have to recommend
her. There are men who are quite capable of marrying for money, and
if they get it, never think how sour their moneymoon may be to them.
As we write for the protection of the weaker-minded sex, we would
put them on their guard against these money-marrying monsters, who
make a trade of matrimony if they do of nothing else. Fine fortunes
are not to be made out of fine words, any more than are fine feathers
the makers of fine birds. A man “extensively engaged in mercantile
pursuits,” may, after all, be only a baked potato merchant; and though
he might “consider” his fortune what he pleased, such consideration-
money is a rather doubtful tender for the purchase of a wife.

ARROGANT AXIOM. BY A RICH MAN.

Poverty has no right to have any Pride. The man who is exces-
sively thin-skinned should take better care not to be out-at-elbows!

A WELL MERITED SUBSCRIPTION.

Hullah want money ! Come, all folks with throats :
Show that he’s taught you to bring out your notes.

Here the advertiser does not say so much about himself as did the
orphan-seeker to whom we have referred; but what he says is clearly
not a whit more modest, and scarcely bears upon it more the stamp of
truth. His description of himself is confined to merely stating that he
is in trade, and, in addition to a house which he regards as “very nice,”
he thinks he is possessed of a dozen thousand pounds. The statement
that he “ considers ” that his fortune “ equals ” this, we consider to be
as cool a thing as we have lately heard of; and it surprises us that any
one “extensively engaged in mercantile pursuits” should have ven-
tured to make use of so unbusinesslike a phrase. Men of business

A NEW TRANSLATION OP AN OLD QUOTATION.

“ Impar congressus Acbilli.”

What chance has a Congress against Garibaldi?

A BARGAIN.—TO BE SOLD, a LADY’S PARASOL. It is Magenta

A colour, and trimmed with the best Valenciennes. It cost originally two guineas
and may be had extremely cheap. It is perfectly new, as the owner has never had
occasion to use it once this summer. All letters addressed to Clara, care of the
Clerk of the Weather, will be promptly attended to.