Punch (42.1862)

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[January 4, 1862.

PROPOSED EQUESTRIAN STATUE.

E hear that the friends of Cox and total abstinence in-
toxicated by their 1 ecent triumph, and not less elated
than surprised at getting their little Permissive Bill so
promptly discounted, propose to celebrate the victory
by erecting an Equestrian Statue of that political hero.
We believe it is scarcely consistent with etiquette to put
M.P. upon a bronze Bucephalus, royal personages and
Wellington claiming exclusively such an equine dis-
tinction. In Einsbury, however, while friendship is
perpetuated in marble, such antiquated notions are buried
with animosity in dust. Cox has studied history and
lias profited by his researches. Taking for his model his
illustrious namesake William the Conqueror, as that
fierce warrior sprang with a pole at the head, so this grim
orator leaps mirabile dictu to the head of the poll! The
Dugald Lalgetty of politicians, what is recorded of that
learned soldado might be written of this doughty soli-
citor, who rushes into the melee brandishing his Mor-
genstern, and comes fresh out of it with flying water
colours. “ And pray, Captain Balgetty,” said his Lord-
ship, “ since the pretensions of both parties seem to you
so equal, will you please to inform us by what circum-
stances your preference will be determined ? ”—“ Simply
upon two considerations, my Lord,” answered the soldier;
“being, first, on which side my services would be in most
honourable request; and, secondly, whilk is a corollary of
the first, by whilk party they are likely to be most grate-
fully requited.” Don Quixote could not have displayed
a more romantic eagerness than Cox exhibited to attack
and vanquish Wind-Mills. A gladiator by nature and
education, whenever there is need of fighting, Cox, we
may rest assured, will never show the white feather.

MANCHESTER SCHOOL.

The annual Examination of Pupils in this popular Establishment for
Young Gentlemen, took place on Christmas Eve. Several Eriends from
Pennsylvania were present, and a few prize-sheep graziers who were
indebted for their celebrity to their pens. Principal Bright, S.C.L.
(Severely Cool Legislator) conducted the examination and distributed
the rewards of merit after a long address, in which he made some per-
tinent remarks on National Economy, contending that a prudent
country like a prudent couple, should not spend a single shilling on
Balls or Shells, and that an Unprotected People, like an Unprotected
Female, in this age of chivalrous forbearance, when most defenceless
j was most secure.

Danzy Brawler was then examined by Principal Bright.

] Q. What is Grammar ?

A. The art of telling your mind without exposing yourself to ridicule
or persecution.

Q. How many parts of speech are there ?

A. Two—one for general and one for provincial and parliamentary
j purposes.

Q. What is an indefinite Article ?

A. A foggy Leader in a Weekly Paper.

Q. What is a disjunctive conjunction ?

A. An extra-judicial separation—a one-sided dissolution of the united
! state attended by a warlike suit for the restitution of conjugal rights.

Q. Give briefly an illustration of Newton’s law of attraction?

A. Am erica,n-dollar. _

Q. In like maimer with reference to repulsion ?

A. Gun-cotton.

Q. How is Peace to be permanently maintained ?

A. By separating the cotton from the gun.

Q. Why is calico so dear to every poor man ?

A. Because it comes home to his bosom.

Q. What are the colours of the United States ?

A. Stars and Stripes.

Q. Have they any military significance ?

A. Yes.

Q. Define it.

A. They indicate that the troops who bear them consider that the
chances are equal when they go to battle, whether they will be glorified
or whipped.

(An interval of ten minutes—'Examination resumed.)

Q. Give an historical, geographical, and commercial summary of
America.

A. Discovered by Columbus in 1492. It was christened by Ameri-
cus Yesputius—an injustice which Columbus felt keenly at the time,
although Lis admirers affirm that were he living now, he would con-
gratulate himself upon his escape. With respect to the latitude of

America, that has never been accurately determined, greater latitude
being given to it by England than by any other nation.

Q. What are the natural products of that remarkable country ?

A. Rowdies, Caucus, and Bunkum.

Q. Have those terms any equivalents in our tongue ?

A. No. They are. the watchwords of civil and religious liberty, and
will find their place in our Lexicons when the Institutions which they
represent are naturalised in our hearts.

(An interval of five minutes—Examination resumed.)

Q. What is an affirmation ?

A. A Friend’s substitute for a Lord’s honour.

Q. Then honour may be dispensed with if affirmations are preserved ?

A. Yes.

Q. In what character does Discretion most gracefully appear.

A. As the better half of Valour.

Q. What proof is there that she is lawfully married ?

A. Because she always gives a kiss for a growl.

The domestic felicity of this reply elicited loud and animated
expressions of praise.

Principal Bright, with some slight emotion, then presented the
fortunate student with a Star of pure lead, and a Dial which he stated
had been got up at considerable expense, but which appeared to have
very fantastic hands upon it, and was disfigured by a bad case.

PRETTY LITTLE PUPILS.

Some people have curious domestic pets. Such evidently are they
who put the subjoined advertisement into a country newspaper

V\TANTED, in a Farm House, a NURSERY GOVERNESS, to take
»V charge of three young children. Salary not to exceed £6.—Apply K., Gazette
Office, York.

The three young children in a Farm House mentioned in the loregoing
notification, are evidently piglings, for whom their fond and eccentric
owners propose to hire a nursery governess to commence educating
them for learned pigs—at rather low wages. Any young lady accepting
the situation of instructress of those little swine, may, of course, expect
to be treated as one of the family.

Christmas Waits.

Yes, and so does England too, and that most anxiously, for an
answer from America. We trust with all our patriotic and cosmo-
politan heart that it may be favourable and of a peaceful tendency, so
that it may prove an auspicious commencement ot a Happy New Year!

Justice to Ireland.—The O’Donoghue ceases to be a Justice. , ,