Punch (42.1862)

April 19, 1862.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

FROZEN-OUT MEDIUMS.

“We ’re not worth a Rap, and we’ve got no Work to do!

PUNCH’S ESSENCE OE PARLIAMENT.

April 7 th, Monday.—A Lord presented a complaint from the Yicar
of Woolley, that there is very little fleece on his flock, and he himself is
clipped very close by the tax-gatherer. The poor gentleman’s case
seems a hard one, but we must hope that Providence will temper the
wind for the shorn Vicar until good fortune raises it for him. Another
Lord urged the expediency of military drill in public schools, and Lord
Clarendon thought the system most desirable, but that it ought not
[ to be compulsory.

Asked whether Government would propose a vote in aid of the
j Albert Monolith, Palmerston answered, that he did not mean either
I to be rude or to reply.

Mr. Disraeli then offered some criticisms on the Budget speech of
Mr. Gladstone. Let us interpolate the remark, that one of those
calculating idiots who can never see anything without computing what
it would be if it were something else which it never can be, has estimated
(most likely with perfect inaccuracy) that had the report of Mr.
Gladstone’s speech been printed word after word in a straight line, it
would have made 144 yards. The same fool is now calculating how
near the moon Mr. Peabody’s gift would reach if it were paid in half-
pennies, and these were piled one above the other. He is next going
to calculate whether, if every visitor to the International stood upon
the shoulders of another, and this one on a third, and so up, the top
visitor would be as high as Chimborazo, and he means to complete the
cycle of absurd investigation by supposing that the poor Python,
instead of having her eggs addled to amuse Sunday starers, had been
allowed to hatch them, and that each young serpent had been as long
as its mamma, and the whole family had been arranged in a line, the
tail of one in the mouth of the other, and by calculating how many
times this line would go round the dome of St. Paul’s. It is a pity
that there is no stone-breaking or other useful labour provided for such
people.

If it be objected that these remarks have nothing to do with Mr.
Disraeli’s speech, we reply that we don’t care, and also that they have
as much to do with Mr. Disraeli’s speech as that speech had with the
speaker’s subsequent proceeding. Por he applied himself to smash up
all the calculations of Mr. Gladstone, to charge him with mystification,
with extravagance, with spending seven millions and a half improperly,
with stopping Exchequer money “ Hounslow fashion,” with using
| rhetoric to bewilder the House, with placing us in a “ terrible scrape,”

: with waving an enchanter’s wand, with making moonshine, with
I insinuating that he dislikes the expenditure he encourages, with being
I a soendthrift who weeps over pence, with bexe a Penurious Prodigid

with having in other days prattled about political morality, and with
defending a system detrimental to the character of public men, and ;
most injurious to the fortunes of the realm. Well, these are good hard 1
words and good hard charges, and if Mr. Disraeli believed them to bt
just (and a Member of Parliament never says anything unjust), it was
his business, one might think, at least to take the sense of the House
whether such a wicked Minister should be allowed to push on his
nefarious schemes. Mr. Disraeli sat down.

Refreshed by a moral glass of bitter beer, that is, by a sensible little
complaint from Mr. Bass against the new licence to Brewers, Mr,
Gladstone then replied to Mr. Disraeli. He scoffed at Mr.
Disraeli’s talking of the characters of public men, was ironical upon
his condemnation of rhetoric and sophistry, said that he had no faith in
the financial system at which Parliament has been labouring for twenty
years, called him a Ransacker of Hansard, accused him of having
doubly blundered when Chancellor of the Exchequer, said it was not
difficult to_bear censures from him, as better men had done, denied all
his allegations, and would not have complained of the speech at all, had
it been made with an honest purpose.

Hector and Achilles having fought, we presume that few desire to
know what small Greeks and Trojans rushed on one another and slew
or were slain. Bentinck, Wellodghby, Cecil, Ayrton, Vance,
Lindsay, Northcote emitted dulness, and then Mr. Gladstone
quietly enacted his Income-Tax, his Fair Licences, and his Card
Licences, and went home to Homer.

Sir John Shelley tried to prevent the Second Reading of the
Thames Embankment Bill, and the division shows how admirably this
Metropolitan Member represents the feeling of the country. The Bill
was read by 116 to 9.

Tuesday. Both Houses seemed to want rest after their labours, and
besides, it was the first night of the Opera. Garibaldi is an interesting
person, but William Tell, a gentleman in the same line, has also his
claims on the attention of the legislature. Nothing of the slightest
importance took place in either House of Parliament, but at Mr. Gye’s
house Tamberlik was in the most magnificent voice, and in the words j
of a critic, “ All his previous achievements paled before his magnificent
rendering of the ramous ‘ Suivez-moi; ’ and here the clear trumpet-
tongued vigour with which the Italian tenor hurled forth those startling
ut de poitrine, which can never fail to rouse the most torpid listener to
enthusiasm, electrified the audience as completely as though they had
never before heard a C delivered from the chest.”

Wednesday was given to oysters, parsons, and sewers. Touching the
first, Mr. Cave fittingly asked a question about the bottom of the sea,
and an equally unfathomable quarter, the Emperor of the French,
and was informed that a recent decree of L. N.’s had nothing to do
with our oyster-fishery convention. The Bill for releasing from then
canonical liabilities the clergymen who desire to abandon the surplice
was debated with fairness, and was referred to a Select Committee. A
Bill for giving enormous taxing powers to the Metropolitan Board of
Works was discussed in committee, and some 86 clauses agreed to.
Mr. Cox will be kind enough to look up the history of Athens, and see
what is said about the Thirty Tyrants, as it may shortly be necessary
to take some energetic steps in the direction of liberty.

Thursday. Some educational conversation in the Lords, and Peer
Ellenborotjgh regretted that the weakness of Government had com-
pelled them to make important sacrifices of principle in reference to the
Revised Code. But he believed that if Parliament would refuse all aid
to Education an impetus would be given to it, and it would be grate
fully received, whereas gratitude and economy both walked off when
public money came in.

On the previous Tuesday a most important experiment was performed
at Shoeburyness. The invulnerability of the Iron-Plated Ship, when
opposed to the Armstrong Gun, was at issue, and Sir William Arm-
strong settled the question. A target, made like the side of the
Warrior, but stronger, was set up, and he let fly at it from a non-rifled
gun, with a 1501b. ball, at 200 yards, and with 401b. of powder. He
smashed right through the target, and had the ship been opposed to
that gun we should now have a ship the fewer. On this subject there
was, naturally, the utmost interest excited, and in both Houses the
Ministers had to answer questions. As to what is to be done next.
Mr. Punch begs to refer mankind to a probable Chronology which will
be found in another column. He is glad to add, that Captain Coles is
being properly treated by the Admiralty; a miracle, considering that
Coles is an inventor of a valuable affair.

Inquiries were made after the health of the Big Bell. Mr. Cowper
professed great sorrow for its condition. He had called in medical
advice, and had very properly selected Dr. Percy, who is not only our

freatest but our biggest metallurgist, to examine the gigantic patient.

)r. Percy thought that the Bell might be used, but would probably
crack and come down in pieces, and this catastrophe Mr. Cowper did
not like to risk, especially as the bell makes a most abominable noise.

So the large quarter-bell gives the hour, and Mr. Cowper does not
mean to do anything more with the wopper at present. Perhaps he