DOI Heft:
February 1, 1862
DOI Seite / Zitierlink: https://doi.org/10.11588/diglit.16869#0050
%
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [February 1, 1862.
QUACK AGAINST QUACK.
ub joined, with a
change of names only,
is part of one para-
graph and part of
another, which two
paragraphs actually
stand side by side in
the columns of a con-
temporary. This is
part of one:—
“Why should invalids
and persons suffering
from gastric disorders
waste their money and
utterly destroy their
health by taking pills and
other medicines ? These,
it is well known, aggra-
vate and perpetuate dis-
eases, and frequently we
witness the sacrifice, even
by the highest medical
skill, of remarkably
strong patients who
would recovei if kept
clear of the baneful and
mysterious influence of drugs. Their annoyance, danger, disappointment, and expense may be
saved, and all doctors’ and apothecaries’ bills avoided, by invalids taking Du Buncombe's Deli-
cious Health Restoring Polenta Syriaca Food, which saves fifty times its cost in physic, cod-liver
oil, and all other remedies.”
This is part of the other:—
“ Gulloway’s Pills.—Worthy of Especial Note.—These purifying pills excel every other
medicine for regulating digestion, acting healthily on the liver and bowels, invigorating the
nervous system, and strengthening the body.”
The above extracts are taken from the news, and not from the advertising columns
of the journal which contains them. No heading declares them to be advertisements,
and doubtless many old women and fools who read them suppose them to be
editorial statements, as fools and old women were probably meant to do by the
quacks who procured their insertion. But the veriest fool not quite an idiot, and
1 lie simplest old woman not absolutely in her dotage, will be puzzled by the answer
which the second constitutes to the question of the first. The question implies the
assertion that people ruin their health and waste their money by taking pills instead
of Du Buncombe’s Polenta Syriaca Food. The answer to it declares that Gul-
loway’s pills excel every other medicine. The weakest mind must see the con-
1 variety of clashing statements thus lying, in every sense of the word lying, close
together. Every quack who puts a paragraph into a paper should stipulate for the
insertion of his own puff at a reasonable distance from any other which gives it the
lie direct. Old women and others who have read the foregoing contradictory
specimens of puffery, will be as much puzzled as wiser persons are by the opposite
tenets of numerous gentlemen who sign the Thirty-nine Articles, and yet unite in
condemning Dr. Bowland Williams.
HELMETS FOR PEACE HEROES.
It is of great importance to the public, and of some to the police, that policemen
should have their heads protected in the execution of their duty. The present
police-hat answers this purpose in a measure, if the ruffian who is resisting capture,
will be so considerate as to keep hitting his adversary on the crown of it, instead of
first knocking it off, and then beating nim on the head; but the latter course is
usually adopted.
The hat now worn by the police is very thick, heavy, and hot. It has been
likened to a chimney-pot, because of its shape, and it further resembles a smoking
flue in the temperature of its interior.
Considering these disadvantage* of the existing police-hat, a certain Mb.. Childs,
according to a city paper, has recommended as a substitute for it a kind of helmet,
being a mod ideation of the Greek galea, without the plume, so as not to look too
warlike for an officer whose duty consists in keeping the peace. This headpiece,
however, possesses one quality of the plume, namely, the lightness of a feather,
which is combined with the strength of an arch. It also unites ventilation with
elegance, and protects the eyes, neck, and ears. Lastly, it is described as in keeping
with the wearer’s dress, which it will be, perhaps, when the boots and coats of the
police-force are exchanged for tunics and greaves.
We trust that the authorities will adopt the classical improvement suggested as
a protection for the heads of a valuable body of men. No skull can be proof against
a life-preserver, or, rather, a life-destroyer, but one which is much thicker than that
of an intelligent officer ought to be.
Ab Ovo Usque ad Bonum.
Among the persons who, following Mr. Punch’s example, have sent appropriate
presents 1o Garibaldi, is a gentleman of a piscivorous character, who has for-
warded to the Italian Liberator a great quantity of Salmon’s Eggs. We accept
the omen. May it imply that he will soon occupy the Chair of the Fisherman.
“ TALL WRITIN’; ”
OR, “SEWARD SET TO MUSIC.”
I Guess them sarcy Britishers
Won’t easy get to leeward,
Of such an all-fired smart old ’coon
As William H. Seward.
When short o’ corn, he ’ll give ’em husks ;
Where he can’t hitch, he ’ll hustle:
Sockdolage, stump, spread-eagle, splurge.
And circumvent Lord Russell.
Thar’s that despatch he’s just fired off,
It raally is a moddle :
The ’cuteness and the smartness on’t
Whip a Europian noddle.
Your statesman of the darned old world,
For forms and facts a stickler,
Had ought to skin his eyelids, e’er
He’d turn out such a tickler !
The outworn holds of paltry law
Round which the British rally,
Beyond the plug that’s in his jaw
He don’t conclude to vally.
On critters that ’ud set up rights
Agin’ this mighty nation,
Like a true iioss and citizen
He hurls expectoration.
Five law-p’ints international
He states in language polished—
What odds if they are p’ints that, ’s been
Repeatedly demolished ?
They ’re p’ints we want to prove we ’re right,
So Seward he upholds ’em;
And in our Stars and Stripes subiime
Magnanimously folds ’em.
How calm and grand his attitood
His utt’rance how heroic,
Enough to waken up a slawth,
Or Tect.rify a Stove!
When he declares the narrer bounds
Of old-world Law o’erleapin’,—
Mason and Slidell he’d a’ kept,
If they’d been worth the keepiu’.
But though the law be on our side,
(Or, if it ain’t, no matter)—
Though with a breath the Britishers
We in our might could scatter—
The cause is too contemptible
Our war-dogs to unbridle,
We hurl back Mason in your teeth,
And arter Mason, Slidell.
A moral triumph we have gained
(There’s Charles II. Sumner’ll swar it);
But if them prisoners remained
In custody, they’d mar it.
Shall proud Columbia grudge to shake
Pollution off her garmint p
No ! rather let her joy to git
Rid of such cussed varmint.
We’ve druv ike Britisher to plead
The plea of law ’afore us,
And universal natur’ crows
At such a sight, in chorus.
We’ve gi’n him what he gi’n to us—
Spit on the British Lion—
Ope wide Fort Warren’s gates, and set
The Stars and Stripes a flyin’!
Jeep.-Davis, he’s well-nigh chawed up,
Rebellion in is cavin’;
For mussy and for pork and corn,
The hungry South is cravin’.
From whar he gazes at the sun,
Arisin’ and a-settin’,
The Northern Eagle’s wakin’ up,
And kinder wrathy gettin' ?
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [February 1, 1862.
QUACK AGAINST QUACK.
ub joined, with a
change of names only,
is part of one para-
graph and part of
another, which two
paragraphs actually
stand side by side in
the columns of a con-
temporary. This is
part of one:—
“Why should invalids
and persons suffering
from gastric disorders
waste their money and
utterly destroy their
health by taking pills and
other medicines ? These,
it is well known, aggra-
vate and perpetuate dis-
eases, and frequently we
witness the sacrifice, even
by the highest medical
skill, of remarkably
strong patients who
would recovei if kept
clear of the baneful and
mysterious influence of drugs. Their annoyance, danger, disappointment, and expense may be
saved, and all doctors’ and apothecaries’ bills avoided, by invalids taking Du Buncombe's Deli-
cious Health Restoring Polenta Syriaca Food, which saves fifty times its cost in physic, cod-liver
oil, and all other remedies.”
This is part of the other:—
“ Gulloway’s Pills.—Worthy of Especial Note.—These purifying pills excel every other
medicine for regulating digestion, acting healthily on the liver and bowels, invigorating the
nervous system, and strengthening the body.”
The above extracts are taken from the news, and not from the advertising columns
of the journal which contains them. No heading declares them to be advertisements,
and doubtless many old women and fools who read them suppose them to be
editorial statements, as fools and old women were probably meant to do by the
quacks who procured their insertion. But the veriest fool not quite an idiot, and
1 lie simplest old woman not absolutely in her dotage, will be puzzled by the answer
which the second constitutes to the question of the first. The question implies the
assertion that people ruin their health and waste their money by taking pills instead
of Du Buncombe’s Polenta Syriaca Food. The answer to it declares that Gul-
loway’s pills excel every other medicine. The weakest mind must see the con-
1 variety of clashing statements thus lying, in every sense of the word lying, close
together. Every quack who puts a paragraph into a paper should stipulate for the
insertion of his own puff at a reasonable distance from any other which gives it the
lie direct. Old women and others who have read the foregoing contradictory
specimens of puffery, will be as much puzzled as wiser persons are by the opposite
tenets of numerous gentlemen who sign the Thirty-nine Articles, and yet unite in
condemning Dr. Bowland Williams.
HELMETS FOR PEACE HEROES.
It is of great importance to the public, and of some to the police, that policemen
should have their heads protected in the execution of their duty. The present
police-hat answers this purpose in a measure, if the ruffian who is resisting capture,
will be so considerate as to keep hitting his adversary on the crown of it, instead of
first knocking it off, and then beating nim on the head; but the latter course is
usually adopted.
The hat now worn by the police is very thick, heavy, and hot. It has been
likened to a chimney-pot, because of its shape, and it further resembles a smoking
flue in the temperature of its interior.
Considering these disadvantage* of the existing police-hat, a certain Mb.. Childs,
according to a city paper, has recommended as a substitute for it a kind of helmet,
being a mod ideation of the Greek galea, without the plume, so as not to look too
warlike for an officer whose duty consists in keeping the peace. This headpiece,
however, possesses one quality of the plume, namely, the lightness of a feather,
which is combined with the strength of an arch. It also unites ventilation with
elegance, and protects the eyes, neck, and ears. Lastly, it is described as in keeping
with the wearer’s dress, which it will be, perhaps, when the boots and coats of the
police-force are exchanged for tunics and greaves.
We trust that the authorities will adopt the classical improvement suggested as
a protection for the heads of a valuable body of men. No skull can be proof against
a life-preserver, or, rather, a life-destroyer, but one which is much thicker than that
of an intelligent officer ought to be.
Ab Ovo Usque ad Bonum.
Among the persons who, following Mr. Punch’s example, have sent appropriate
presents 1o Garibaldi, is a gentleman of a piscivorous character, who has for-
warded to the Italian Liberator a great quantity of Salmon’s Eggs. We accept
the omen. May it imply that he will soon occupy the Chair of the Fisherman.
“ TALL WRITIN’; ”
OR, “SEWARD SET TO MUSIC.”
I Guess them sarcy Britishers
Won’t easy get to leeward,
Of such an all-fired smart old ’coon
As William H. Seward.
When short o’ corn, he ’ll give ’em husks ;
Where he can’t hitch, he ’ll hustle:
Sockdolage, stump, spread-eagle, splurge.
And circumvent Lord Russell.
Thar’s that despatch he’s just fired off,
It raally is a moddle :
The ’cuteness and the smartness on’t
Whip a Europian noddle.
Your statesman of the darned old world,
For forms and facts a stickler,
Had ought to skin his eyelids, e’er
He’d turn out such a tickler !
The outworn holds of paltry law
Round which the British rally,
Beyond the plug that’s in his jaw
He don’t conclude to vally.
On critters that ’ud set up rights
Agin’ this mighty nation,
Like a true iioss and citizen
He hurls expectoration.
Five law-p’ints international
He states in language polished—
What odds if they are p’ints that, ’s been
Repeatedly demolished ?
They ’re p’ints we want to prove we ’re right,
So Seward he upholds ’em;
And in our Stars and Stripes subiime
Magnanimously folds ’em.
How calm and grand his attitood
His utt’rance how heroic,
Enough to waken up a slawth,
Or Tect.rify a Stove!
When he declares the narrer bounds
Of old-world Law o’erleapin’,—
Mason and Slidell he’d a’ kept,
If they’d been worth the keepiu’.
But though the law be on our side,
(Or, if it ain’t, no matter)—
Though with a breath the Britishers
We in our might could scatter—
The cause is too contemptible
Our war-dogs to unbridle,
We hurl back Mason in your teeth,
And arter Mason, Slidell.
A moral triumph we have gained
(There’s Charles II. Sumner’ll swar it);
But if them prisoners remained
In custody, they’d mar it.
Shall proud Columbia grudge to shake
Pollution off her garmint p
No ! rather let her joy to git
Rid of such cussed varmint.
We’ve druv ike Britisher to plead
The plea of law ’afore us,
And universal natur’ crows
At such a sight, in chorus.
We’ve gi’n him what he gi’n to us—
Spit on the British Lion—
Ope wide Fort Warren’s gates, and set
The Stars and Stripes a flyin’!
Jeep.-Davis, he’s well-nigh chawed up,
Rebellion in is cavin’;
For mussy and for pork and corn,
The hungry South is cravin’.
From whar he gazes at the sun,
Arisin’ and a-settin’,
The Northern Eagle’s wakin’ up,
And kinder wrathy gettin' ?