Punch (42.1862)

176

[May 3, 1862.

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

A TORY PARTY! (SAVE THE MARK.)

Mrs. Harris (a struggling Newsvendor). “ Stanerd ! Stanerd ! Only a Penny ! Please support an old ’ooman, dear Gents ! ”
D-rby (to Dizzy). “For goodness sake give her a Penny, and tell the old Goose we don’t want her Cackle—People will

THINK SHE BELONGS TO US—JUST OPPOSITE THE CLUB TOO ! ”

MRS. HARRIS’S PHOENIX.

Mrs. Gamp, as you remembei’, through Life’s wale wheu we two
wandered,

Zou was then the Mornin ’Erald, I at that time, was the Standard,
Which, although I say it as shouldn’t, and we was jeered by some
tomnoddies,

In them days we good old souls was two respectable old bodies.

I agree with you, Mum, no delights as tresteral bein yields is
To be named witli sitch as we tastes in these here Elysium fieldses;
Nothink nigh to this here nectar, tea, nor gin, or other sperrits ;
Buttered crumpets with hambrosiar no comparin as to merits.

Bein in this blessed state conwinced as hearthly life’s a bubble,

I’m well aware no mortial cares our buzzums didn’t ought to trouble,
And here, where no rheumatics ails, and grief and woe no more can’t
find us,

We orten’t for to fret our sides ’bout rubbidge as we’ve left behind us.

But, Mum, I’ll own to you a thought there is my cup of joy that dashes,
When I thinks what a Phoenix has arose up out of my old hashes;

A. Phoenix which I am ashamed of bein’ counted for its mother.

If in my time I was a Goose, at least I wasn’t sitch another.

A trumpery paper read by few, although ’tis written for the many !

A flimsy penny-halfpenny print!—I beg youi parding, price one penny,
And dear at that, a scrag, a scrap, a shred, a rag, and notliink better!
A smudge that spiles its readers’ eyes, leastways if they can read a
letter!

But there, if that was all—for ’tis then fault as chooses to be blinded,
And poverty’s no sin, in course,— I shouldn’t werry much have minded.
But oh that down from fippence to a penny come, and which no
bargain,

My old remains should come to be conwerted to a Popish horgan !

The ribbles! ’Tis enough to wake the dead. The wagabones! Ah,
drat ’em!

In these here sperrit-rappin times they might have know’d they’d have
me at ’em:

And I shall be, if sitch like games them bage aposticks further carries,
About their house in Shoe Lane by-and-by as sure as my name’s ’Arris !

HOW TO CHRISTEN OUR IRONSIDES.

The reconstruction of the British Navy will require a change of its
nomenclature. Our oak Leviathans are now to be replaced with iron
monsters of the deep. Plated, as it were, with a skin of armour, a man-
of-war will henceforth resemble a pachydermatous or a crustaceous
animal. For a ship of the line, therefore, the proper sort of name will
be that of the Rhinoceros or the Elephant, or, what would be still better,
the Whale, a whale being a marine pachyderm; and a steam-ram might
be named the Narwhal, as the creature so called, otherwise the Sea
Unicorn, is not only a whale, but is armed with a horn corresponding
to the beak which steam-rams are to carry at the bows. Frigates ana
smaller vessels could go under the denomination of the Hippopotamus,
the Porpoise, the Grampus, the Hog-in-Armour, the Armadillo, or even
the Crab and the Lobster. Another view, to be sure, may perhaps be
taken of the style of name which will be that most appropriate to our
new Ironsides. It may be urged with some reason, that they would be
best denominated by suen titles as the Lambkin,_ the/ Dove, and the
Olive, which denote emblems of Peace, and may, it is to be hoped, be
applicable to our iron fleet otherwise than ironically.

Sumptuary Regulation.

The Commissioners of the International Exhibition have revoked
their first regulation, and have now decided that all salads and mayon-
naises may be allowed the privilege of admission into the Exhibition
without being previously full-dressed.