DOI issue:
May 17, 1862
DOI Page / Citation link:https://doi.org/10.11588/diglit.16869#0203
May 17, 1862."
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
195
A FLYING ISLAND WANTED.
XXL somebody please
invent for us an Island
of Laputa ?
It would save a mint
of money in plated
ships, and Armstrong
guns, and Shoebury-
ness experiments. Al-
though we are at peace,
a most expensive war
is raging between
gun-makers and ship-
builders, and so far as
one can learn, there
seem but little hopes
of stopping it. First
the guns will gain the
day, and then the
ships will be built
stronger until they
are ball-proof, then
bigger guns will come,
and then still stronger
ships ; and so the
battle, will go on, and
victories alternately
be won by either side,
and tne Queen’s pow-
der be burnt at a most
tremendous rate, so
long as Mb. Bull
agrees to stand the
shot.
If the Invention
Mar goes on much
longer than it has
. done, we quite expect
to hear of the construction of a cannon that shall throw a ball as b:g as the Ball upon St.
Paul’s, and of a mortar that shall pitch a shell as large round as the dome. Indeed, we
fancy that in course of time, conical shot will equal the Big Pyramid of Egypt, and that guns
will be invented of sufficient power to throw such shot across from Brighton to Boulogne?
Now, if somebody would just invent a Flying Island, and present us with the patent, this
costly fight between artillerists and shield-makers would probably soon cease. There would
be no need then of our Army and our Navy, our big guns and our block ships, our field pieces
and forts. Whenever any nation dared to pick
a quarrel with us, all that we should have to do
would be to let our Flying Island drop upon their
heads, and squash their fleets and forces flat at
one fell swoop. This is how the wise King of
Laputa waged his wars, and is it not recorded
how victorious he was F It is true he sometimes
injured the bottom of his island, by coming down
too heavily upon an enemy’s domains. But no
doubt thick iron plating would prevent such
chance of damage : and even were this not to be
done, we might follow the sage practice of the
monarch of Laputa, who gained a reputation
for mercy and forbearance by letting his island
gently on the heads of his offenders, who little
knew he really did so that he might not hurt
himself.
As wars are usually decided by the cash-box
rather than the powder-chest, the fewer human
lives, that are sacrificed the better; and an in-
vention to annihilate an army at a blow would be
the best of peace-makers the world has ever
seen. Were the woi’ld to know that England
possessed a Flying Island, ready at any moment
to fall and crush her foes, the world would pro-
bably think twice before provoking her to fight,
and England would no longer have such pulls
upon her purse as she lately has been having, to
defray the cost of gun-founding and ship-building
experiments, and to waste in unproductive pre-
parations for a war the millions she might spend
in profitable works, did she but possess a Flying
Island to guarantee her peace.
Dangerous !
Of course the International building is insured
to the full value of all that it contains. One
would fear there must be a great likelihood of
fire, as one hears that a live Cole is often found
about the place, and who is expected some day
to set the Thames on fire.
The Best Way of Preserving Meat.—
Invite none but Vegetarians to dine with you.
A SMACK AT DAY AND MARTIN.
According to inielligence from Home, Pio Nono went the other
day to the camp at Porto d’Anzia, where “ the soldiers knelt on the
approach of the Pope, and afterwards defiled before him.” It is to be
hoped that these warriors, alter having defiled before his Holiness did
not proceed to defile their own mouths, by the lip-service which they
are thus described as having rendered to the Holy Father :—
“ After the (Mfild the Pontiff condescended to accept of a Zouave’s knapsack for a
footstool, resting on which he presented his foot to the kisses of the officers and sub-
officers of his faithful army, who were proud to point out the scars and medals they
had earned in his service.”
The question as to the defilement which is too likely to have sue-
ceeded the defile of the Papal Zouaves, Artillery, Infantry, and Dragoons,
before the Sovereign Pontiff, succinctly put, is “ How about Blacking ? ”
Pius had been walking in the grounds of his villa; and we are told
that he “proceeded to the camp on the sea-shore.” It would seem,
then, that he went to the camp on foot, and if so, lie probably wore
men’s strong walking boots or bighlows, for he would have hardly
danced thither in the white satin shoes which (following the steps of
Peter after a fashion) he wears on state occasions, whether with or
without crinoline. He is not supposed to he in the habit of sporting
japanned Balmorals, and it may therefore be not unreasonably con-
jectured that his upper-leathers had been polished with some equivalent
to Day-and-Martin, or very likely with that identical brilliant prepara-
tion itself out of a testimonial-bottle presented by the S. V. P. or St.
Vincent of Paul Shoeblack Brigade, as a pious oblation, and a specimen
of the genuine article If the Pope had had his boots or shoes thus
polished, the gallant officers who, each in succession, gave one of them
a kiss, must, for the space which was covered by their salute, have
entirely taken the shine out of it, to the necessary defilement of their
lips, especially those of the first comer, which, if he was an enthusiast
and kissed close, must have been in the state of those of the Children
in the Wood after they had eaten their blackberries, or have resembled
those of a schoolboy who has been sucking Spanish liquorice.
ESSAYS AND REMARKS.
Banter. Mutual banter is the ordinary conversation of people who
justly despise one another. If you are a sensible fellow, yon will take
banter in good part, and gratify your banterer by laughing at the fun
which he makes of you, which yon will be enabled, to do with natural
ease by considering what a ridiculous opinion of his own superiority to
yourself he must entertain to have the impudence of presuming to make
you his butt.
Banter may irritate a rational man if it take him unawares, as when
he is talking in earnest, so as to confuse and balk him, and thus, like
the zany’s foolscap when it stopped the philosopher’s telescope, put
him into a rage. You will be subject to he ruffled by banter if you
want sufficient presence of mind always, when attacked with it, to think
how stupid you must be to suffer your serenity to be disturbed by an
ass. Still when banter flurries a man and puts him out, it is a con-
siderable bore, and therefore he might well be vexed with his acquain-
tance for mocking him to his face, although he would not care a button
how much they chose to deride him behind his back.
Banter among the lowest class of cabmen, omnibus conductors, and
touters, and the inferior order of thieves, becomes chaff. Chaff is
unbridled banter; insolence worded without scruple or restraint;
scorn venting itself in a guffaw. As, in banter, smiling gentlemen
pleasantly twit one another with follies and foibles; so grinning ruffians,
interchanging chaff, handy imputations of depravity. It is good for a
gentleman to accustom himself to stand chaff, for that will enable him
to sustain banter with complacency.
The Last Fashionable Vice.
Enamelling is already on the spread. "We suppose the Rachels of
this superficial accomplishment will soon copy the example of the
photographers in the cheap neighbourhoods, and place touters at
their doors, whose business it will be to waylay ladies as they go by, and
to tempt them with the insinuating inouiry of, “Please, Mum, will you
have your face enamelled P ”
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
195
A FLYING ISLAND WANTED.
XXL somebody please
invent for us an Island
of Laputa ?
It would save a mint
of money in plated
ships, and Armstrong
guns, and Shoebury-
ness experiments. Al-
though we are at peace,
a most expensive war
is raging between
gun-makers and ship-
builders, and so far as
one can learn, there
seem but little hopes
of stopping it. First
the guns will gain the
day, and then the
ships will be built
stronger until they
are ball-proof, then
bigger guns will come,
and then still stronger
ships ; and so the
battle, will go on, and
victories alternately
be won by either side,
and tne Queen’s pow-
der be burnt at a most
tremendous rate, so
long as Mb. Bull
agrees to stand the
shot.
If the Invention
Mar goes on much
longer than it has
. done, we quite expect
to hear of the construction of a cannon that shall throw a ball as b:g as the Ball upon St.
Paul’s, and of a mortar that shall pitch a shell as large round as the dome. Indeed, we
fancy that in course of time, conical shot will equal the Big Pyramid of Egypt, and that guns
will be invented of sufficient power to throw such shot across from Brighton to Boulogne?
Now, if somebody would just invent a Flying Island, and present us with the patent, this
costly fight between artillerists and shield-makers would probably soon cease. There would
be no need then of our Army and our Navy, our big guns and our block ships, our field pieces
and forts. Whenever any nation dared to pick
a quarrel with us, all that we should have to do
would be to let our Flying Island drop upon their
heads, and squash their fleets and forces flat at
one fell swoop. This is how the wise King of
Laputa waged his wars, and is it not recorded
how victorious he was F It is true he sometimes
injured the bottom of his island, by coming down
too heavily upon an enemy’s domains. But no
doubt thick iron plating would prevent such
chance of damage : and even were this not to be
done, we might follow the sage practice of the
monarch of Laputa, who gained a reputation
for mercy and forbearance by letting his island
gently on the heads of his offenders, who little
knew he really did so that he might not hurt
himself.
As wars are usually decided by the cash-box
rather than the powder-chest, the fewer human
lives, that are sacrificed the better; and an in-
vention to annihilate an army at a blow would be
the best of peace-makers the world has ever
seen. Were the woi’ld to know that England
possessed a Flying Island, ready at any moment
to fall and crush her foes, the world would pro-
bably think twice before provoking her to fight,
and England would no longer have such pulls
upon her purse as she lately has been having, to
defray the cost of gun-founding and ship-building
experiments, and to waste in unproductive pre-
parations for a war the millions she might spend
in profitable works, did she but possess a Flying
Island to guarantee her peace.
Dangerous !
Of course the International building is insured
to the full value of all that it contains. One
would fear there must be a great likelihood of
fire, as one hears that a live Cole is often found
about the place, and who is expected some day
to set the Thames on fire.
The Best Way of Preserving Meat.—
Invite none but Vegetarians to dine with you.
A SMACK AT DAY AND MARTIN.
According to inielligence from Home, Pio Nono went the other
day to the camp at Porto d’Anzia, where “ the soldiers knelt on the
approach of the Pope, and afterwards defiled before him.” It is to be
hoped that these warriors, alter having defiled before his Holiness did
not proceed to defile their own mouths, by the lip-service which they
are thus described as having rendered to the Holy Father :—
“ After the (Mfild the Pontiff condescended to accept of a Zouave’s knapsack for a
footstool, resting on which he presented his foot to the kisses of the officers and sub-
officers of his faithful army, who were proud to point out the scars and medals they
had earned in his service.”
The question as to the defilement which is too likely to have sue-
ceeded the defile of the Papal Zouaves, Artillery, Infantry, and Dragoons,
before the Sovereign Pontiff, succinctly put, is “ How about Blacking ? ”
Pius had been walking in the grounds of his villa; and we are told
that he “proceeded to the camp on the sea-shore.” It would seem,
then, that he went to the camp on foot, and if so, lie probably wore
men’s strong walking boots or bighlows, for he would have hardly
danced thither in the white satin shoes which (following the steps of
Peter after a fashion) he wears on state occasions, whether with or
without crinoline. He is not supposed to he in the habit of sporting
japanned Balmorals, and it may therefore be not unreasonably con-
jectured that his upper-leathers had been polished with some equivalent
to Day-and-Martin, or very likely with that identical brilliant prepara-
tion itself out of a testimonial-bottle presented by the S. V. P. or St.
Vincent of Paul Shoeblack Brigade, as a pious oblation, and a specimen
of the genuine article If the Pope had had his boots or shoes thus
polished, the gallant officers who, each in succession, gave one of them
a kiss, must, for the space which was covered by their salute, have
entirely taken the shine out of it, to the necessary defilement of their
lips, especially those of the first comer, which, if he was an enthusiast
and kissed close, must have been in the state of those of the Children
in the Wood after they had eaten their blackberries, or have resembled
those of a schoolboy who has been sucking Spanish liquorice.
ESSAYS AND REMARKS.
Banter. Mutual banter is the ordinary conversation of people who
justly despise one another. If you are a sensible fellow, yon will take
banter in good part, and gratify your banterer by laughing at the fun
which he makes of you, which yon will be enabled, to do with natural
ease by considering what a ridiculous opinion of his own superiority to
yourself he must entertain to have the impudence of presuming to make
you his butt.
Banter may irritate a rational man if it take him unawares, as when
he is talking in earnest, so as to confuse and balk him, and thus, like
the zany’s foolscap when it stopped the philosopher’s telescope, put
him into a rage. You will be subject to he ruffled by banter if you
want sufficient presence of mind always, when attacked with it, to think
how stupid you must be to suffer your serenity to be disturbed by an
ass. Still when banter flurries a man and puts him out, it is a con-
siderable bore, and therefore he might well be vexed with his acquain-
tance for mocking him to his face, although he would not care a button
how much they chose to deride him behind his back.
Banter among the lowest class of cabmen, omnibus conductors, and
touters, and the inferior order of thieves, becomes chaff. Chaff is
unbridled banter; insolence worded without scruple or restraint;
scorn venting itself in a guffaw. As, in banter, smiling gentlemen
pleasantly twit one another with follies and foibles; so grinning ruffians,
interchanging chaff, handy imputations of depravity. It is good for a
gentleman to accustom himself to stand chaff, for that will enable him
to sustain banter with complacency.
The Last Fashionable Vice.
Enamelling is already on the spread. "We suppose the Rachels of
this superficial accomplishment will soon copy the example of the
photographers in the cheap neighbourhoods, and place touters at
their doors, whose business it will be to waylay ladies as they go by, and
to tempt them with the insinuating inouiry of, “Please, Mum, will you
have your face enamelled P ”