Punch (42.1862)

204

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[May 24, 1862.

A SKETCH NEAR LEICESTER SQUARE.

PUNCH’S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.

May 12^, Monday. New Knight of the Garter Lord Shaftesbury,
very properly called the attention of the House of Lords to the distress
among the Lancashire workpeople, and while bearing tribute to the
admirable way in which their sufferings were endured, expressed his
wish for the relaxation of the labour test. This, the condition on which
poor law relief is granted, the Earl objected to as calculated to injure
the hands of those who obtain their living by more delicate work
than that given by the Unions. Lord Granville said that the
question was being dealt with practically, and Lord Derby spoke
warmly of the behaviour of the people, and declared his own belief to
be that greater distress was prevailing than the suffering districts had
ever previously undergone. With such a state of things existing, any
incident that seems to help on the American War to an end, or at least
to a crisis, is welcome, and the tidings that New Orleans has fallen is
doubly satisfactory.

Lord Clanricarde and other Irishmen are extremely dissatisfied
with the River Shannon, and Lord Canard, or Granard, or some
such personage (where’s Dod ? 0, seventh Earl, the fourth was a dis-
tinguished admiral—stay, no, was brother to a distinguished admiral
who beat the fleets of France and Spain in 1743—very good reason,
probably, why the brother should have been Earled and pearled, but
does not make it so clear why number seven should be anybody)
threatened all sorts of vengeance on the poor river, and Lord Gran-
ville blew him up, and said he must have a weak cause or he would
not use such strong language. A Committee is to sit on the Shannon,
and if the weather is fine, and the Committee may fish and smoke, it
will not be unjofly. Lord Derby’s Smell Committee was appointed,
and it now appears that the grievance to be looked into is a real one,
and that people and land are largely poisoned by the eructations from
certain manufactories, those of soda for instance, for Soda and Man do
not agree. It is not proposed to prevent the manufactures, but to
invent remedies for the evil, and possibly Mr. Faraday and some of
his friends may illuminate the Lords on the subject. At Glasgow the
nuisance has been dealt with already—one gentleman who transmutes
defunct horses, and another gentleman who makes chemical evil odours
having erected chimneys which are as high as the Great Pyramid, and
which project their smells right into the "face of the moon, thereby not
only making St. Mungo comfortable, but illustrating the archer’s
vaunt in the old play that he has “ sent his Shaft into scared Dian’s
orb.”

Mr. Cowper stated that he should not let cabs go through the lower
part of Hyde_ Park, near Park Lane, in order to relieve the traffic in
the latter, which he said ought to be widened. Of course it ought, but
does he think that it will widen itself, or grow wider by having too
much put into it, like a dining-out gentleman’s interior ?

Mr Layard begged that people would not believe in telegrams that
come via Vienna, and tell of Turkish reverses. He said that he did
not know whether such things were sent for stockjobbing purposes or
not, meaning that he knew perfectly well that they were, and who send
them. It may be convenient to explain that the Montenegrins, who
are nominally under the protection of Austria, are perpetually annoying
their neighbours the Turks, and Omer Pacha, who gave them a ter-
I rible wopping some nine years ago, is likely to do it again, if the
savages do not become quiet. There can be no sentimental pity for

these Black Mountaineers, for they kill prisoners, carry about heads
as trophies, and make their women the “ beasts of burden.”

A Budget debate followed, and Mr. Gladstone surrendered on the
question of compelling private persons to take out licences if they want
to brew. Lord Punch, of course, takes Amontillado with his dinner,
and Lafitte, at two hundred shillings, after it, but he has heard that
there are vulgarians who like beer, and if they derive any pleasure from
knowing that no new obstacle is to be opposed to their obtaining this
drink, he is jiappy, he is sure, to inform them that their pails, or what-
ever they mix it in, are not to be interfered with. There was also a
discussion about selling beer at races and fairs, a subject, Lord Punch
supposes, interesting to the lower creation, but on which he will not
venture to give an opinion—so far as he understands the matter, Mr.
Gladstone, urged to prevent the lower orders from drinking more
than they now do, interposed some justices’ certificate between the mob
and the beer-trough—the eau de Cologne, if you please—thank you.
Lord P. thought that he had done with such a topic but remembers
that a drawback of seven shillings per hundredweight is to be allowed
on British hops, whatever they are. Ops was the mother of Ceres,
which accounts for the Series of grievances connected with ’ops.

Then came up a real grievance—the conduct of the fellows who levy the
Income-Tax, and who charge a great deal more than even the iniquitous
law permits, in the hope that folks will not take the trouble to appeal.
Some of the Members said that this was less the fault of the officials
than of the Government, who had ordered them to put on the screw,
but Mr. Gladstone declared that this was not the case. He refused,
however, to give any remedy, even to people who had been abomi-
nably surcharged, and had, on appeal, convicted the officials of
cheating.

Tuesday. Late in February, our friend Mr. Hadfield, of Sheffield,
(who loves Mr. Punch with an intensity that does credit to H’s ed and
art,) got a little victory, as Mr. Punch mentioned at the time. He carried
a Bill for doing away with the declaration which provincial mayors and
aldermen, on taking office, have to make that they will not destroy the
Church of England. The undertaking seems a little ridiculous, because
the united efforts of all the mayors and corporations in England would
not do a hundredth part of the mischief to the Church that one ridicu-
lous bigot of a parson, or one hard-dealing clerical Justice could inflict.
But the Dissenters are rather up in the stilts just now, because it is
just two hundred years since a mass of clergymen (who would have
repudiated the name of Dissenter) were turned out of the Church, and
Little Bethel, Ebenezer, and Mahershalalhashbaz claim ques-
tionable descent from these 2000 martyrs. Argal, the Dissenters
are making all the political demonstrations which they can, and this Bill
of Mr. Hadfield’s was one of the demonstrations. The Lords do
not seem, curiously, to make sufficient allowance for the excitement ot'
the Sects, and incontinently threw out the Bill by 87 to 55. The
Bishop of Winchester, Dr. Charles Sumner, brotherof the Primate,
and Prelate of the Garter, went into the content lobby, as was pointed
out by Lord Clanricarde, naturally astounded at seeing a Bishop
come near him, and it turned out that Dr. Sumner had made a mistake,
and was discontent. In order to rectify the error, the Lord Chancel-
lor asked that Bishop the three sensible questions which are put on
occasion of such accidents in the Commons, whereat the Duke of
Buccleuch took upon himself to fly into a passion, and scold the
Chancellor for daring to catechise a Bishop. The descendant of Lucy
Walters is quite right to stand up for the clergy. The Chancellor’s
smiling apology was slightly sarcastic in its humility.

The Post Office Savings Bank is too good an institution for Mr.
Punch to permit its efficiency to be impaired by any official shabbiness,
and he was glad to hear Frederick Peel say that the Postmasters
were to be remunerated for the increased duties thrown upon them —
that is, he did not say so, because an official can never speak in a
straightforward manner, but his answer meant it. Why, in obedience
to Mr. Punch's suggestion, the saving people of England have deposited
no less than £735,253 (or nearly a quarter oi Mr. Punch's annual
profits) in these banks. That does mot look as if they thought that
what Dr. Gumming thinks—well, says—is true, about the speedy
extinction of this unfortunate planet.

Quidnunc D. Griffith again. He wanted to know why Prince
Napoleon had gone to Pompeii. Mr. Layard wittily told him that
there were many objects of interest just now in Naples, and that any-
thing else he might learn from the Moniteur. Mr. Griffith is Member
for that clean aud pretty town, Devizes, and in the middle of that
town he will see a monument that should warn persons against rash
utterances. V. S.

Captain Coles, of the Cupolas (not Cole C. B. of the Domes)
complains, in type, that his inventions are not being fairly treated by
the Admiralty. Lord Clarence Paget complains, in the House,
that Coles, being on lull pay, should write to the Times, and moreover,
denies the charge officially. Knowing the sweet readiness of the
Admiralty to assist inventors, and the fair play invariably shown by
officials to outsiders, we are astonished at Captain Cupola’s hard
heartedness in making such an allegation—nevertheless it is just as
well that it has been made. Then came a dispute about the Hull Citadel.