Punch (43.1862)

August 2, 1862.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

was preternatural. Nevertheless, there was a majority ol 90 for going
into Committee, and there were varying majorities ol 76, 129, 122, and
70 on oilier fights, and the battle was renewed on the next evening
when the Committee fought over the First Clause till three in the
morning, the promoters of the Bill winning by majorities varying from
62 to 79. The House has fairly waked up for a Game Fight.

Thursday. Bills pass as fast as cabs after the opera. A little Divorce
Bill, as it was called, though merely a continuance measure relative to
collusion cases, gave Lobjd Bedesdale (motto “ Equabiliter et Dih-
genter,,) an opportunity of losing his Equability, and showing some
angry Diligence in abusing the new system of Divorce. Living at Bats-
l'ord, he is rather shortsighted.

Sir George Grey promised a Bill, next, year, for abolishing Metro-
politan turnpikes. So these nuisances will be done away, and that
fellow at a pike which might be named, who keeps bad half-crowns to
change for the good ones tendered to him, and bullies until he gets
good money for had, had better look out for a new occupation; some-
thing highly genteel in the garotting line Punch would suggest. Mr.
Layard announced that a Commercial Treaty between this country
and Belgium had been signed. Between the interesting debates to
which Mr. Punch has already referred, an uninteresting one intervened,
and an attempt was made at a Count while Sir H. Bruce was speaking.
But the excellent motion was wrecked on the Sands in that detested
glass of the Speaker, and in came a lot, headed by the silver-haired
Attorney-General, were counted, and went out again. Mr. Punch,
who meant to have gone to the opera, flew at one ot the beautiful little
telegraphs, and frantically spelt out to Mrs. Punch, G.O.B.Y.Y.O.TJ.R.
S.E.L F.L.E.A.Y.E.O.U.T.T.H.E.B.B.A.N.D.Y.

Friday. A Fortifications Debate in the Lords, and Lord Ellen-
borough (motto, Compositim jus fasque animi) not only wishes to Unite
Law And Equity but also to unite complete safety for England with
judicious economy. He seemed to disapprove of the outlay for our

Educational army of “3000 stalwart meu and strong-minded women.”
He was also good enough to give some excellent advice to the Emperor
op the French. The Duke of Somerset (motto, Foy pour devoir)
declared that the Navy was conducted upon principles of the strictest
economy, and the Duke of Cambridge (motto, Dieu et mon Droit)
was of course instructed to say the same for the Army. Lord Mal-
mesbury (motto, Ubique patriam reminisci) did not doubt the Emperor,
but the French of the Future. Earl Grey (motto, De bon vouloir
servir le roy) served the country by showing ill-will generally, and Earl
Bussell (motto, Che sara sard) believed that what will be will be, but
that if we have a good militia and home resources, and defend our
arsenals we have little else to fear. The Bill was read a Second Time.

In the Commons there was an interesting Canadian debate, in which
divers great guns discharged themselves. Sir George Lewis thought
that there was no immediate danger of hostilities with the Northern
States ol America, for though they were awfully riled at our recognising
the South as belligerents, they would see that we could do nothing
else, especially as the North did the same by not treating the Southern
vessels as pirates. It was intimated that we had sent all the men to
Canada whom we intended to send, and that it would be well for that
Colony to take note of the fact.

A dialogue between Mr. C. Bentinck and Mr. Cowper on the
Parliamentary Frescoes brought the week’s discussions to an end.
Messrs. Maclise, Cope, and Ward received unqualified praise. Mr.
Herbert’s delay in completing his work was attributed to his honour-
able anxiety to make it as perfect as possible; but Mr. Dyce, who has
had all his money, but has not done his work, and is keeping the Queen
out ot the robing-room, was not quite so politely spoken of, though
Mr. Cowper, like the nobleman in Love's Ijabmr Lost—

“ Chides the Dyce in honoui-ahle terms.”

Punch defies his friend, the Beverend Alexander D. to supply a
more appropriate citation.

A SWELL’S COMPLAINT.

“ St. James's Square.
r, — Being yourself of ig-
noble extraction—you will
pardon my frankness — I
take it for granted that you
are tremendously aristo-
cratic, and that you will
sympathise with me in the
feeling I am about to ex-
press.

“ What a very disgusting
thing it is that we resort to
the lowest class for all our
slang phrases and other as-
sistance to wit. Upon my
life, it is not exactly to the
credit of Swelldom that no
word that ever becomes
popular can be traced to the
gilded saloons and all that,
but comes from the public
house, or the prison, or the
cabstand, or some such low
quarter. I remember no ex-
ception, since his lamented
Grace the Duke of Wel-
lington certainly made
‘ and no mistake ’ the word
of the day.

“ The statement in reference to universal serenity, the inquiry as to
the information possessed by one’s mamma as to one’s absence from
home, the intimation that a lodging was not open to a person named
Mr. Fergusson, the expression of disbelief comprised in the mention
of the name of Mr. Walker, the ironical demand whether you are
not anxious to obtain the matter in question, the suggestion for placing
your friend’s decision in the tube that contains lighted tobacco, the
semi-classical reference to the sinister shoulder, the apocryphal corrup-
tion of Mihi et, Beate Mar tine, the allusion to the symbol of mourning
encircling the hat, the solicitation to use a hatchet upon the organ of
sight, the direction to cease conversation (evidently the mere order to
close a shop) are all, as their very nature shows, phrases taken from
the inferior orders. Yet, how large a popularity they have in their
time gained among us, and indeed but for them how many lively young
gentlemen (swells—even that word is a thief’s term) would have small
claim to wit. And this senseless ‘ Any other Man ’ is, I understand, a
mere catchword of some black-faced buffoon at a singing house.

“ Don’t you think, Sir, that it would be to the credit of the class to

which you and I belong, if the Aristocracy would invent something
good, and save us from the humiliation of owing all our fun to the
lower orders ?

“ Yours affectionately,

“ Coriolanus Cocky.”

THE UNDERPAID POSTMEN.

Nobody can possibly be underpaid by any payment which he chooses
to accept. The only way in which anybody can be underpaid is by
paying him less than the sum that he was engaged for. These are the
reasons why the present pay of the postmen is not, as Sir George
Bowyer maintains, inadequate; and they also demonstrate that 9s.
a week is enough for a Dorchester labourer. But the labour-market is
the labour-market, and, by leave of Mr. Gladstone, what is sauce for
the goose is sauce for the gander. The country would be right, if it
would be safe, in taking the lowest bidder for the office of Chancellor
of the Exchequer. It might obtain a statesman of sufficient ability
to frame an equitable scheme of taxation on reasonable terms.

In a certain sense, on the other hand, it is undeniable that the post-
men are underpaid. A postman cannot keep a carriage and an opera-
box, or send his son to Eton, on 18s. or even 50s. a week : he cannot
afford Lafitte, or even Mr. Gladstone’s smallest claret. He is paid
more than a policeman; but what is that to the purpose ? _ It may prove
not that the postman is paid better, but only that the policeman is paid
worse. Considered as a human being wdth an appetite for turtle and
venison, a relish for champagne, a love of splendour, and an admirer of
female beauty, how very few people are sufficiently paid! Think how
scantily a soldier or a sailor is paid. Yet he takes all he can get, and
the nation gives him as little as it prudently can. So tailors sweat
their journeymen, and man-milliners cut their needlewomen down. It
is all right; but the defenders of their country, as well, as the needle-
women and the stitching tailors, are sadly underpaid in proportion to
their capacity for enjoyment. According to this standard ail public
servants are deplorably underpaid, except some of the upper servants,
as the Bishops, the great Law Officers, and the Ministers of the
Crown.

Neck Deus Intersit.

The American War is now virtually over, and we can only ask why
it was not put a stop to sooner. The Senate has stepped in at last, and
effectually finished the business by a simple enactment. All the Con-
federates were to lay down their arms in sixty days, and all who did not
were to be hanged as rebels. The Federal Government has but to carry
out this law, and there is an end of the struggle. How very odd that
nobody thought of this earlier ! However, never too late to mend the
Union, even with a rope.