Punch (43.1862)

September 27, 1862.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

127

Inebriated Volunteer (indignantly to what he evidently mistakes for a live member of the “ L-d-n S-tt-h”). “ P—positively d’shgrache

t’the sherviche—I sh' cert’nly r’])oi'tsh— shcan’loush conduct —Lord Elclio ’sh frcn' o’ mine / ”

ALARM AT SCARBOROUGH.

Scarborough lias been more than usuallv lively this season on
account of several sharks having recently visited the coast. They pro-
duced the greatest commotion in the water, especially amongst the
bathers, who became particularly animated at their approach, though it
was noticed that but very few evinced a buoyant alacrity to enter upon
closer terms of intimacy with their new marine acquaintances. There
was a shyness and backwardness rarely displayed at the sea-side, where
everybody is so ready to swear “ eternal friendship ” on the spot, after
seeing each other for the first time.

The general feeling seemed to be an extreme coolness, approaching to
an unmistakeable empressement to get out of then- way as much as pos-
sible, though in other respects the new visitors had no reason to complain,
for it they had been royal personages, they could not have been more
stared at, or scrutinised like wild beasts, than they were. It is said that
the shortness of their visit was owing to their having accidentally caught
a glimpse of several of the lodging-house keepers of the place. They
instantly retired, modestly feeling after one glance that it would be
utterly impossible for them to get a living amongst the natives, so long
as they were exposed to such fierce competition. This discernment does
them great credit, proving them to be regular, old, sea-going monsters
of the deep.

The practices of these same voracious lodging-house keepers have
acquired now such a degree of wide-spread notoriety for the Queen of
Watering-Places, that there is a strongly-expressed desire, out of
compliment to their taking and toothsome ways, to change the name of
the town to Sharksborotjgh.

The Hero Above all Heroes.

We believe that Blondin is a naturalised American citizen. So, if
the affairs of the Disunion are ever submitted to arbitration, they cannot
appoint any one better qualified than the Hero of Niagara to hold the
balance between the North and the South. By the bye, do you know
why Blondin left America?—Because he felt that Europe wanted
Blondin, and that he, also, wanted a new rope.

L - _

CURRANT NOTIONS OF BEAUTY.

In Colonel Torrens’ Travels in Kashmir, &c., we read that, when
they tiiid arrived at a place called Le, they

“ Saw that the faces of the Laditk women were smeared with a sort of black glu-
tinous varnish, not unlike currant jelly, and the writer inclines to believe that it is
done, against their inclination, to mitigate the fascination of their charms, in the
interests of their susceptible spouses."

We know that in England it is the custom Uptake currant jelly with
venison,_ so with the like reasoning a Kashmir swell may fancy that
currant jelly may also have the effect of improving one’s “ dear.” TYe
daresay that the ladies in England, who smear their faces with “the
dews of Sahara,” and other abominable washes, do it with a similar
benevolent object, and “ against their inclination.” It’s smearly done
“ to mitigate the fascination of their charms.” It must be laid on wit h
this view, for it certainly does not enhance them. The motive clearly
is to prevent their “ susceptible spouses” falling too desperately in love
with them. By the bye, the process must require constant renewing :
for, as the enamel gets hardened, and is liable to chip, and star, and
splinter, the Porcelained One would certainly, in one sense, be pointed
out in society as “a crack beauty,” and the “susceptible spouse”
would, consequently, become more fascinated than ever. However, it
is the first time we have ever heard of husbands complaining of
their wives being too pretty.

The Reverses of the Northerners.

It seems that all the regiments of the French army now include pho-
tographers and telegraphs. So, we believe, do the Unionists’ regiments,
though they do not appear to have done them much good. Certainly the
photographers have not yet succeeded in taking the South, and as for the
telegraphs, they were completely useless, inasmuch as they never told
the truth. The photographic apparatus would have done the work ot
the latter much more naturally and efficiently, if, for all the telegraphic
reports of victories that were "dispatched, they had simply forwarded to
Washington so many negatives.