Punch (43.1862)

December 27, 1862.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

257

SIR GEORGE AND THE DRAGON.

Our Patron Saint in days of yore
Did maul a Monster grim,

Por which his mem’ry we adore,

May’st thou resemble him.

Thou, who instead of spear dost wield
A pen with facile force.

With hanks of red tape for thy shield.

And such a hobby-horse !

Unflinching, clip his felon claws.

And resolutely bind

The wretch, that laughs at human laws,

And strikes at human kind.

Think not to melt by tender beef,

His heart of Portland stone,

Nor that regard as wholesome grief
Which weeps at sight of bone.

Vain will thy sweetest morceau be,

Thy anodynes and balms,

Por one of his voracity
Whose conscience has no qualms.

If he for delicacies sigh,

When in thy stringent grip,

Stand not on trifles, but apply
With skilfulness the Whip.

Some deem that spices have a charm
To soothe the savage beast;

’Tis certain curries do no harm
When Tanners give the feast.

Consult his moral appetite.

Peed him on Thoughts like Pascal’s ;

But let none on thy ’scutcheon write
Grey—Pattener of Rascals 1

The Philosopher and the Policeman.

AWKWARD LITTLE MISTAKE.

Aug. “ I think I am yours for the next waltz, JDi ? ”

Diana. “ 0 dear no, Augustus! I'm sure I’ve danced with all the bores of my
acquaintance / ” [Pleasant for Mr. Steadyman, who has just finished the “ first set.”

After all the talk about the increase of crime, now
much less of that have we to trouble us than the ancient
Greeks had! Diogenes went about with a lantern to
discover an honest man; whereas X employs his bull’s-eye
to detect a thief.

A SECURE ASYLUM AT STRATPORD.

If you want a safe retreat from thieves and garotters, seek it in
Warwickshire. The neighbourhood of Stratford is an Arcadia in which
the shepherds are innocent of sheep-stealing. So great an offence as
that is impossible where a respectable labourer gets committed for trial
as a criminal on a very doubtful charge of having stolen one quart of
milk, value \d. This assertion of the sacredness of property was pro-
claimed at the Stratford Petty Sessions, a few weeks since, when,
according to a local paper, present SrR Robert N.j C. Hamilton,
Bart., R. C. B., and J. Cave Jones, Esq., Thomas Beck, albeit a
swain of good repute in hb native village, was accused of having per-
petrated the crime above-named at the expense of Mr. Robert Righ-
ton, farmer, of Ear.ington. It appeared that the milk had been given
to the man by Mr. Righton’s maid-servant; but her master withdrew
the charge against her, and “the lass was dismissed after having been
duly lectured.” As to the prisoner, Beck :—

“ Defendant pleaded not guilty, so fie was committed to take fiis trial at Warwick
in January next, but Ma. Arch, farmer of Eatington, kindly became bail for him.”

It is much to be apprehended that the laxity of a British jury may
possibly grant this culprit an acquittal, or that even if they find him
guilty of stealing all that milk, his stipendiary judge will sentence him
to some punishment slant of penal servitude. A Court of Justice may
decline to back the Warwickshire Justices in enforcing against the
alleged purloiner of tins jug of milk the principle of jug for jug. Those
same worthy Magistrates will perhaps hear more about this jug of milk
likely to gratify them. Five months hence, doubtless, all the nightin-
gales in the surroumlmg groves will unite in serenading them with
“jug, jug, jug.” The Justices of Warwickshire seem not to have
departed from the traditions of their predecessors, who sat to Shak-
speare for portraits which we need not name. Marry, masters, these
be no milksops. Long life to them; and at its conclusion may they
be translated to the skies and erected into a constellation, to be called
Astrsea in the Milky Way.

QUESTIONABLE CHARITY.

Some people have singular ideas of what is charity. Eor instance,
look at this advertisement:—

THE LANCASHIRE DISTRESS.

THE Undermentioned GROCERS, at Hartlepool, have agreed perma-
-L nently to discontinue the practice of giving Christmas Boxes to their Customers ;
and, in lieu thereof, to contribute an equivalent in money to the Fund for the
Relief of Distress in Lancashire. (Here follow the Signatures.)

Such charity as this is somewhat in the way ol robbing Peter to pay
Paul. Christmas-boxes may or may not be objectionable, but the Lan-
cashire distress is no excuse for getting rid of them. _ If the grocers of
Hartlepool mean really what they say, and wish to give the full “ equi-
valent ” of their yearly Christmas presents, they ought to calculate the
probable duration of their lives, and how much each of them would pay
away in Christmas-boxes in all the years they have to live. The total
thus summed up should of course be the amount of their subscription
to the fund, else by ridding themselves “permanently” of an expensive
custom they will actually profit by the Lancashire distress.

CONYICT CRANIOLOCY.

In the description of penal servitude at Portland, given the other day
in tiie Times, particular mention was made of the conformation of the
convict’s heads as conspicuously different from that of ordinary people’s.
The generality of the rogues were described as characterised by low
retreating foreheads. Now, is it or is it not a tact, that persons whose
brains are deficient iu certain regions are practically found to be stupid,
brutal, and vicious ? Because it' that is so, when once such persons
have given you a justification for putting them under lock aud key, and
you have got them safe, you had better keep them there. Till when ?
Till reformation, attested by the expansion of their heads to normal
proportions.