Punch (43.1862)

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

117

September 20. 1862.]

Perplexed Farmer. “ You haven’t seen such a thing as my Old Woman about,

have you, Mr. Policeman 1 ”

THE ELDEST SON OF THE CHURCH TO PAPA..

Your titles, Pope, are just like mine ;

You hold your crown by Grace Divine,

And so do I, and by the will
Of the French people wear it still.

I only represent, and do,

The will of France, in guarding you ;

So by that will you hold your place,

As well as by celestial grace.

Where will you be, then, by-and-by,

Suppose awakened Frenchmen cry
“ Consistent we resolve to be;

Let Romans, as ourselves, be free.

Man of our choice !—we must, for shame,

Cease to withhold the right we claim,

Wronging those others of their due;

To choose tl;eir Chief as we chose you.

Illogical dishonour’s blot

Wipe from our name ; expunge that spot

Foul tyranny upheld at Rome:

Thence, therefore, call our forces home.”

The people’s creature, how could I
Auy demand of theirs deny.

Although ’twere foolish or unjust?

Obey them, when they ’re right, I must:

And they ’ll be right when, soon or late,

They bid me leave you to your fate;

Then come to terms whilst yet you can,

Or else you ’ll come to grief, old man.

Fighting Bobs.

The Federals have held a war meeting at which it is
stated that the Orators addressed “acres of applauding
citizens.” As no recruits offered themselves, Mr. Punch
thinks that the word “Acres” was well chosen, for the
courage of the clapping meeting seems to have “ oozed out
at the tips of its fingers.”

ELECTRIC SPARKS.

An Imaginary Melodrama, Constructed upon the Complaints of Newspaper

Correspondents.

DRAMATIS PERSONAS.

Some youthful Clerics. Enter to them Mr. Morvays Hont, a mild gentle-
man who wishes to send a message.

Scene—An Electric Telegraph Office.

Mr. M. H. (approaching the counter, and speaking m a low voice). I
believe yon send electric messages to the town of Fortywinks ?

1 st Clerk [of course). Sir?

Mr. M. H. I believe you dispatch telegrams to a place called Forty-
winks ?

l«f Clerk (loud). Smith, where’s Fortywinks?

2nd Clerk. Give it up.

1st Clerk. No, I say, it ain’t a sell. This gent wants to send there.
Where is it ?

2nd Clerk. I don’t know—isn’t it out by Kent, or Wales, or that
way. [Opens a walnut.

Mr. M. U. (meekly). It is on your own list. Sir.

1st Clerk. Is it, ? Why didn’t you say so at first. The public give a
great deal of unnecessary trouble.

Mr. M. H. But I rather wanted to know what would be your charge
for a message there.

1st Clerk. ’Pends on length.

Mr. M. H. Yes, of course; yes, that is so. But I have written out
the message I wish to send, and you can perhaps tell me the price before
I fill up one of the forms.

lstf Clerk (takes the paper, and 2nd and ord Clerk come and look over
their friend’s shoulder). He reads: My dearest Maria-Jane—that’s four
words, unless you like to call tier Mariar only—I hope that your poor
head is better (aside to one friend']. How about her poor feet?—twelve
words—Be sure to use the hoppledeaddog (a burst from his friends).

Mr. M. H. (hurt). Opodeldoc, i oung gentleman. It is an application.

1st Clerk. Oh, ah ! Well, you’d better say application; for I’m sure
there’ll be a mull with the Latin—eighteen words—and be careful
about open winders.

Mr. M. H. I have written “ windows,” I think.

1st Clerk. I said so, didn’t I ?—twenty-four words. I have sent the
sugar-candy—not this way, I say, no such luck. Thirty words. Eight
shillings—is the house near the telegraph station?

Mr. M. H. About three-quarters of a mile.

1st Clerk. Eighteen pence porterage—nine-and-six.

Mr. M. H. Dear me, that is more than I expected.

2nd Clerk (a smart young fellow, up to business). Well, you can cut
out some of it, you know. See now. Cut out your dearest Mariar-
Jane, if your name’s to the letter she’ll know it’s you as sends, at least,
my Mariar-Jane would—that’s four out. What’s the good of'hoping
about her poor head?—stick to the message—say “ Use the ophieleide”—
what is it?—“keep out of draughts’’—fifteen words out—there, Sir,
we’ll put that into the wire for you at a low figure, say four bob. Fill
up a form—one of those before your nose.

Mr. M. H. Well, thank you, yes, that is. shorter, certainly (colouring).
But, but—you see—in fact there are circumstances, and that would
read a little abrupt.

2nd Clerk. Well, it’s your business, you know, not mine.

[Opens a walnut.

Enter Small Boy, with much clatter.

2>rd Clerk. Now then, you young scamp, where have you been all this
while ? You ’re in for it, you are, I can tell you.

Small Boy (with much volubility). Well how’s a fellow to go to
Hislington ana Chelsea and round by Brompting and the Minories and
be back in five-and-twenty minutes you couldu’t do it yourself come
now and you’ve no call to put it upon me to do it and what’s more I
won’t and I can’t and that’s all about it.

3rd Clerk (serenely). Better tell the Governor so.

S. B. I will tell the Governor so and I do tell the Governor so do you
think I’m afraid to speak to the Governor he’s not the man to see a
poor lad put upon aad bullied out of his life time if he happens to be
liindered five minutes out of two hours because the road’s up and the
buss broke down and there was a fire and we couldn’t get by. Come!