DOI issue:
September 13, 1862
DOI Page / Citation link:https://doi.org/10.11588/diglit.16870#0115
108
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[September 13, 1862.
REPORT ON HASTINGS.
BT OUR OWN SPECIAL COMMISSIONER.
) the Hon. Mr. Punch.
“ Sir,—1. You having
commissioned me to visit
this ancient and celebrated
Cinq Port, and to report
upon its general condition,
with mention of any special
circumstances which might
seem to me desirable of
notice, I have the honour
to make such report, as
follows :—
“ 2. I number my para-
graphs, as usual in official
despatches, and for more
convenient reference.
“ 3. For reasons inex-
plicable to myself, you
desired me to depart from
my ordinary rule of select-
ing as ray quarters the most
distinguished Hotel in the
place, and of affording its
proprietary every oppor-
tunity for displaying its re-
sources, and yon instructed
me to take lodgings and live
quietly. Repulsive to my
own feelings and habits as
was such a course, I have not hesitated to obey, for reasons that will
occur to yourself or your respected cashier.
“ 4. There were no lodgings to be obtained on my arrival in Hastings,
but towards nightfall I watched a family out of a house, and I rushed
in before any other candidate could arrive. I secured a back parlour
and a closet, which it would be flattery to call a bed-room, for two
guineas and a half a week, kitchen fire, shoe-cleaning, gas, and most
other things of course extra. I could nave lived more cheaply at an
hotel, mais tu l’as voulu, M. Punch.
“ 5. There are six families in the house, and they all insist on taking
their separate meals at the same hour. There are eleven children in
all, from ahobbedyhoy with clumping boots and a heavy voice to a baby
whose incessant shrieks indicate rather a very bad disposition or a
totally indifferent nurse. They begin to get up at six, after which there
is no peace. I mention this martyrdom among the special circumstances
referred to in Paragraph 1.
“ 6. The cigars sold to visitors in Hastings are, so far as I have yet
had opportunities of ascertaining, simply abominable. Whether the
vendors have better ones for the residents I know not, but I have
not allowed price to stand between me and decent tobacco, as you may
be aware it was not likely 1 should do. I am exceedingly unwell in
consequence of this local peculiarity.
“ 7. I think I have never seen so many pretty girls in any given
watering-place as are now in Hastings. That I can appreciate this
fact, under the moral disadvantages implied in the paragraph No. 6,
may I think be taken in proof of my impartiality as well as of my
accuracy. They mostly wear hats, have lovely hair (much golden hair
is visible) but the new sea-side jacket of blue with its little brass
buttons is not much worn, save by those who have few other attractions.
“ 8. This is a place rather for aristocratic sorts of people than for
common holiday makers. This statement is not my own, but was
tendered to me by my landlady in return for my complaint that several
articles were about twice as dear here as at Brighton. I was instantly
silenced, or rather convinced, and I replied, ‘ O, of course, we don’t
care what we pay, aw, but we like the best of lieverythink,’ a sentiment
which obtained that lady’s admiration.
’* 9. The Local Board of Health is said to have done a good deal for the
Drainage, which used to be outrageously bad. There are awfully fishy
odours in Hastings proper, and there is a vast pipe in front of Hastings
elegant, and I hope it is all right, but I have not ventured near. I
detect nothing objectionable in the general atmosphere. The Board
has painted its name in large letters on the backs of all the seats along
the sea—seats may have no obvious connection with a Board of Health,
but the dodge is a good one, as it perpetually reminds visitors that
there is a Body watching over the sanatory condition of the place.
“ 10. The boatmen are not very troublesome, and if you make a
tolerably loud and abusive answer to one tout, the others will let you
alone. You are not much annoyed by the vendors of shells and pin-
cushions : I suppose they find it hopeless to bother us, the aristocratic
sorts of people. The batning machines are very bad, but the curators
thereof are extremely civil. Decorum of all kinds is strictly enforced,
a contrast to most watering-places.
“ 11. The hired carriages are very good, indeed. Most of the drivers
have red faces. The turnpikes are numerous, and the roads are, on the
other hand, badly made and badly kept. Perhaps, if the pikes were
done away, the roads might be better. They could hardly be worse.
“ 12. The Dripping Well scarcely drips, and Old Roar doesn’t roar.
Both are humbugs, but the scenes in which they are placed are pretty.
The Lovers’ Seat is connected with the dullest and stupidest common-
place story of an elopement, but the view is an out-and-outer.
“ 13. The Hastings Guide Book is the worst I ever bought. It is
padded out with antiquarian rubbish, and the careful detail and advice
which alone make a guide book worth having is absent. But the con-
coctor may have purposely left it unexplanatory, in the interest of
flymen, biped guides, and the like, in which case I admire him as a man
of Hastings, while I object to him as a man of letters.
“14. The Volunteers work very gallantly, and have the most de-
lightful shooting place. To lie on the hill-side, near the sea, and look
at them, makes one feel quite ardent in the cause of patriotism, and the
more so when one has a good weed, presented by an officer, from his
London remnant. I believe that if the battle of Hastings had to be
fought over again, the Volunteers would do better service than the old
Archers, and then, when the order came for an advance with the Bills,
wouldn’t the lodging-house keepers make the foeman bleed ?
“ 15. The Circulating Library keepers are excessively obliging, and
get the new books andlet you have them at the shortest notice. They
do not seem to think it a favour to let you have a book, and they do not
iusult you for expressing an unfavourable opinion upon one which they
may place in your hands. In a word, they know their business. Con-
sequently, there is great reading in Hastings. I saw one of my own
works, though by no means my finest, in the hands of eight very
handsome ladies. [? Editor of P.’l
“ 16. Dover is within sight of Hastings, and letters from Hastings
to Dover are sent round by London, so that you get an answer on the
third day. I don’t know that it much matters, as nobody can be in a
hurry to hear from Dover, but I mention it as a curiosity of the post.
“ 17. I am happy to say that there are no public amusements here,
except throwing stones into the sea, so that I am spared the necessity
of puffing provincial abilities or London intolerabilities.
“ 18. The cigars are abominable, but the girls are very pretty.
“ I have the honour, &c.
“Bohemia, Hastings.” “Peregrine Falcon.”
GARIBALDI DOWN
Alas ! the love of Italy lies bleeding,
But not in vain; his wounds are mouths, that speak,
With an ungenerous Patron strongly pleading,
The stronger that the Prisoner’s voice is weak.
He fell, a forlorn hope of patriots leading,
Whose cry for Rome had fallen on ears unheeding.
How long ! And must they Rome still longer seek P
A hero’s venture, not a madman’s freak,
The world had named his high attempt, succeeding.
It has not failed, a captive though he lies,
If niggard France relent. Napoleon, hear
The noble blood that out upon thee cries,
And thy base policy, which right denies
To Italy, if not thy baser fear.
SUFFERING AND SYMPATHY.
There is, in Galignani, an account of an accident which happened
near Brussels to a foreign nobleman, who was riding in his carriage,
when his horses took fright at the discharge of some firearms, and ran
away with him; whereupon, says Galignani:—
“• The count jumped out, but being struck by the wheel, he fell violently to the
ground, breaking one of his legs and receiving other injury. His condition, how-
ever, does not inspire any uneasiness.”
Doesn’t it ? The condition of a man laid up with a broken leg, not
to mention any other injury, may not inspire any uneasiness, but must
one would think, involve not a little.
The Progress of Slang.
A Marriage in high life is called an alliance. People being gene-
rally prone to ape their superiors, this foolish word will soon come to
be applied to marriages in middle life and low life. The necessary con-
sequence will be, that a married couple will be called Allies. Already
we speak of Captain So-and-So and his Lady instead of his Wife. It
will next be Captain So-and-So and his Ally, and ultimately “Mo and
my Ally” instead of “My Wife and I,” or “ I and my Husband” will
be a customary form of speech amongst the lower orders.
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[September 13, 1862.
REPORT ON HASTINGS.
BT OUR OWN SPECIAL COMMISSIONER.
) the Hon. Mr. Punch.
“ Sir,—1. You having
commissioned me to visit
this ancient and celebrated
Cinq Port, and to report
upon its general condition,
with mention of any special
circumstances which might
seem to me desirable of
notice, I have the honour
to make such report, as
follows :—
“ 2. I number my para-
graphs, as usual in official
despatches, and for more
convenient reference.
“ 3. For reasons inex-
plicable to myself, you
desired me to depart from
my ordinary rule of select-
ing as ray quarters the most
distinguished Hotel in the
place, and of affording its
proprietary every oppor-
tunity for displaying its re-
sources, and yon instructed
me to take lodgings and live
quietly. Repulsive to my
own feelings and habits as
was such a course, I have not hesitated to obey, for reasons that will
occur to yourself or your respected cashier.
“ 4. There were no lodgings to be obtained on my arrival in Hastings,
but towards nightfall I watched a family out of a house, and I rushed
in before any other candidate could arrive. I secured a back parlour
and a closet, which it would be flattery to call a bed-room, for two
guineas and a half a week, kitchen fire, shoe-cleaning, gas, and most
other things of course extra. I could nave lived more cheaply at an
hotel, mais tu l’as voulu, M. Punch.
“ 5. There are six families in the house, and they all insist on taking
their separate meals at the same hour. There are eleven children in
all, from ahobbedyhoy with clumping boots and a heavy voice to a baby
whose incessant shrieks indicate rather a very bad disposition or a
totally indifferent nurse. They begin to get up at six, after which there
is no peace. I mention this martyrdom among the special circumstances
referred to in Paragraph 1.
“ 6. The cigars sold to visitors in Hastings are, so far as I have yet
had opportunities of ascertaining, simply abominable. Whether the
vendors have better ones for the residents I know not, but I have
not allowed price to stand between me and decent tobacco, as you may
be aware it was not likely 1 should do. I am exceedingly unwell in
consequence of this local peculiarity.
“ 7. I think I have never seen so many pretty girls in any given
watering-place as are now in Hastings. That I can appreciate this
fact, under the moral disadvantages implied in the paragraph No. 6,
may I think be taken in proof of my impartiality as well as of my
accuracy. They mostly wear hats, have lovely hair (much golden hair
is visible) but the new sea-side jacket of blue with its little brass
buttons is not much worn, save by those who have few other attractions.
“ 8. This is a place rather for aristocratic sorts of people than for
common holiday makers. This statement is not my own, but was
tendered to me by my landlady in return for my complaint that several
articles were about twice as dear here as at Brighton. I was instantly
silenced, or rather convinced, and I replied, ‘ O, of course, we don’t
care what we pay, aw, but we like the best of lieverythink,’ a sentiment
which obtained that lady’s admiration.
’* 9. The Local Board of Health is said to have done a good deal for the
Drainage, which used to be outrageously bad. There are awfully fishy
odours in Hastings proper, and there is a vast pipe in front of Hastings
elegant, and I hope it is all right, but I have not ventured near. I
detect nothing objectionable in the general atmosphere. The Board
has painted its name in large letters on the backs of all the seats along
the sea—seats may have no obvious connection with a Board of Health,
but the dodge is a good one, as it perpetually reminds visitors that
there is a Body watching over the sanatory condition of the place.
“ 10. The boatmen are not very troublesome, and if you make a
tolerably loud and abusive answer to one tout, the others will let you
alone. You are not much annoyed by the vendors of shells and pin-
cushions : I suppose they find it hopeless to bother us, the aristocratic
sorts of people. The batning machines are very bad, but the curators
thereof are extremely civil. Decorum of all kinds is strictly enforced,
a contrast to most watering-places.
“ 11. The hired carriages are very good, indeed. Most of the drivers
have red faces. The turnpikes are numerous, and the roads are, on the
other hand, badly made and badly kept. Perhaps, if the pikes were
done away, the roads might be better. They could hardly be worse.
“ 12. The Dripping Well scarcely drips, and Old Roar doesn’t roar.
Both are humbugs, but the scenes in which they are placed are pretty.
The Lovers’ Seat is connected with the dullest and stupidest common-
place story of an elopement, but the view is an out-and-outer.
“ 13. The Hastings Guide Book is the worst I ever bought. It is
padded out with antiquarian rubbish, and the careful detail and advice
which alone make a guide book worth having is absent. But the con-
coctor may have purposely left it unexplanatory, in the interest of
flymen, biped guides, and the like, in which case I admire him as a man
of Hastings, while I object to him as a man of letters.
“14. The Volunteers work very gallantly, and have the most de-
lightful shooting place. To lie on the hill-side, near the sea, and look
at them, makes one feel quite ardent in the cause of patriotism, and the
more so when one has a good weed, presented by an officer, from his
London remnant. I believe that if the battle of Hastings had to be
fought over again, the Volunteers would do better service than the old
Archers, and then, when the order came for an advance with the Bills,
wouldn’t the lodging-house keepers make the foeman bleed ?
“ 15. The Circulating Library keepers are excessively obliging, and
get the new books andlet you have them at the shortest notice. They
do not seem to think it a favour to let you have a book, and they do not
iusult you for expressing an unfavourable opinion upon one which they
may place in your hands. In a word, they know their business. Con-
sequently, there is great reading in Hastings. I saw one of my own
works, though by no means my finest, in the hands of eight very
handsome ladies. [? Editor of P.’l
“ 16. Dover is within sight of Hastings, and letters from Hastings
to Dover are sent round by London, so that you get an answer on the
third day. I don’t know that it much matters, as nobody can be in a
hurry to hear from Dover, but I mention it as a curiosity of the post.
“ 17. I am happy to say that there are no public amusements here,
except throwing stones into the sea, so that I am spared the necessity
of puffing provincial abilities or London intolerabilities.
“ 18. The cigars are abominable, but the girls are very pretty.
“ I have the honour, &c.
“Bohemia, Hastings.” “Peregrine Falcon.”
GARIBALDI DOWN
Alas ! the love of Italy lies bleeding,
But not in vain; his wounds are mouths, that speak,
With an ungenerous Patron strongly pleading,
The stronger that the Prisoner’s voice is weak.
He fell, a forlorn hope of patriots leading,
Whose cry for Rome had fallen on ears unheeding.
How long ! And must they Rome still longer seek P
A hero’s venture, not a madman’s freak,
The world had named his high attempt, succeeding.
It has not failed, a captive though he lies,
If niggard France relent. Napoleon, hear
The noble blood that out upon thee cries,
And thy base policy, which right denies
To Italy, if not thy baser fear.
SUFFERING AND SYMPATHY.
There is, in Galignani, an account of an accident which happened
near Brussels to a foreign nobleman, who was riding in his carriage,
when his horses took fright at the discharge of some firearms, and ran
away with him; whereupon, says Galignani:—
“• The count jumped out, but being struck by the wheel, he fell violently to the
ground, breaking one of his legs and receiving other injury. His condition, how-
ever, does not inspire any uneasiness.”
Doesn’t it ? The condition of a man laid up with a broken leg, not
to mention any other injury, may not inspire any uneasiness, but must
one would think, involve not a little.
The Progress of Slang.
A Marriage in high life is called an alliance. People being gene-
rally prone to ape their superiors, this foolish word will soon come to
be applied to marriages in middle life and low life. The necessary con-
sequence will be, that a married couple will be called Allies. Already
we speak of Captain So-and-So and his Lady instead of his Wife. It
will next be Captain So-and-So and his Ally, and ultimately “Mo and
my Ally” instead of “My Wife and I,” or “ I and my Husband” will
be a customary form of speech amongst the lower orders.