DOI issue:
September 20, 1862
DOI Page / Citation link:https://doi.org/10.11588/diglit.16870#0131
124
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[September 20, 1862.
them to get something which I think you’ll like for breakfast—you don’t half
take care of yourself, and I believe I am wrong in leaving you to yourself so much,
only you are so decided and imperious, dear, that I am always afraid to interfere.
There—now you have a capital fire, and 1 won’t be a minute. [Exit.
Mr. N. (smiling to himself). I believe that she cares about me a great deal, and
that the thought of Mrs. Bloker’s bereavement touched her feelings. She’s not
a bad sort of woman, though nothing like Mrs. Naggleton No. 1.
[Exit to ait at street-door.
Scene m another apartment. Mrs. Naggleton before the looking-glass.
Mrs. N. If he has! And he is quite capable of it. As old as I am, indeed!
Well, it’s no use talking, but-
Scene closes.
SMALL-POX IN SHEEP.
a pastoral.
Lately, one morn, discoursed a brace of clowns.
Dan’l and Dick, upon the Hampshire downs,
A vale between them, threaded by a rill,
And either standing on a distant hill.
Relate in Doric verse, 0 sacred Muse,
How those two clodhoppers expressed their views.
Dan. Hast bear’d the news in Wiltshire oaver there,
As shepherds ool lament at Weyhill Pair ?
Dick. Ees, I be told as how the ship ha’ got
The small-pox, but I spose they manes the rot.
Dan. Rot? Yaa! They’re rottun fast enough, no
doubt,
But their disaise is small-pox, out and out.
Dick. Small-pox in ship? That’s zummut strange and
new,
’Twool make the butchers look uncommon blue ;
What some ool think a wonder and a zign,
’Taint like as ef it had attacted swine.
Dan. Swine! that had been a gurter plag and cuss,
In ship ’tis bad enough; in pigs ’twur wus,
But how should small-pox out o’ Natur’s way
For t’others be, and not as much for they?
Dick. Cause why ’tis what’s a nateral ill to we,
And pigs our sart o’ poor relations be.
The differunce ’twixt ourselves and ship is wide;
Just like a Christian’s is a pig’s inside.
Dan. Some says pigs has the measles, which, if true,
They just as well med ha’ the small-pox too.
’T would spile their beauty to be sure, but there.
Our bacon if we saved we shouldn’t care.
Dick. Now if ship’s got the small-pox to endure,
No doubt but what they ’ll ha the measles, sure.
And hoopun cough, all moor or less severe ;
Sims like enough to make the mutton queer.
Dan. I tell ’ee what; ’tis them new schemes o’ breed,
All them there fine improvements in their feed,
Departun off from Natur’s good old ways,
Instead o’ lavun ship alone to graze.
—’Tis hottish baint it for the time o’year?
Dick. Ees, ’tis ; and I should like a drap o’ beer.
The Best Possible Primate.
Touching the appointment of a new Archbishop, the
Times said, “ The qualities needed in an English Primate
must be very sober and not at all brilliant.” At this rate
the man best qualified to be Archbishop of Canterbury
is the teetotaller Dean Close.
|
I
FOOLS TO AMUSE THE FRENCH.
A M. L’ ETRANGER.
Monsieur,
Tou do not, I fear, enjoy half the amusement you might find
in this country. Let me recommend you to assist at some of the
meetings of our Societies for controlling the inclinations of other
people. For example go, if you can, to the next meeting of the Inter-
national Temperance and Prohibition Conference. You see, Monsieur,
this Association calls it self International. It therefore professes not only
to deprive me of the liberty to get drunk, but, pardon me, yourself
also.
Do you know, Monsieur, what this droll Society does ? A number
of persons organise themselves into a league for the purpose of
encouraging one another to drink nothing stronger than tea, and
also of preventing other people from drinking what they please.
This latter object, which consists with their idea of British freedom,
they seek to effect by procuring laws for the annihilation of the liquor
rrade. They would make it criminal to be a wine-merchant, or the
landlord of any but a Temperance hotel. The first of their objects,
mutual encouragement in abstinence from exhilarating fluids, they
accomplish bv assembling, declaiming, and listening to declamations on
the evils arising from the use of fermented drink, which they enor-
mously exaggerate; also, sometimes, by marching about in procession,
beating drums, bearing banners, singing in chorus, and otherwise
making a demonstration worthy of idiots escaped from an asylum.
Assuredly these imbeciles are right to abstain from intoxicating beve-
rages, for they are always more than tipsy enough, although having
drunk only water.
The word of order of these serious buffoons is Total Abstinence,
They call themselves by the ridiculous name of Teetotallers. Fancy,
Monsieur, an assemblage of simpletons shouting to one onother, “ Come,
friends, let us drink no wine. Let us avoid beer. Courage, comrades,
we will refrain from Cognac. Yes; we will content ourselves with
ginger-beer, soda-water, tea, coffee. Take the pledge; pass it round,
boys ; drink we it in water. Huzza, three times three, we won’t go
home till twilight; jolly companions every one ! ”
If, indeed, these silly and frantic busybodies cried, “No black
beer; no adulterated porter ! ” you would, with me, deem their shout
reasonable; but their cry is “No beer at all!” no pale yellow beer,
even mixed with water. Worse, still, they roar, or rather bray, “ No
Burgundy! No Claret! No Champagne!” Now, Monsieur, you
will see, in its full extent, the folly of these frenzied nincompoops. Our
Government has but just concluded with yours that admirable treaty, so
advantageous as well for the revenue as for the trade of both countries,
which relies, for its success, on our large demand for your excellent
wines. And this bond of union between the two nations would be
destroyed if the Legislature were so mad as to yield to the noisy
agitation of the impertinent boobies who desire to have a preposterous
and tyrannical Maine Law enacted in England.
Monsieur, you really should go and witness the ludicrous exhibition
which these grave but violent zanies will be delighted to afford you
entirely at their own expense. Accept, Monsieur, the assurance of the
distinguished consideration with which I have the honour to subscribe
myself, your very humble servant,
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[September 20, 1862.
them to get something which I think you’ll like for breakfast—you don’t half
take care of yourself, and I believe I am wrong in leaving you to yourself so much,
only you are so decided and imperious, dear, that I am always afraid to interfere.
There—now you have a capital fire, and 1 won’t be a minute. [Exit.
Mr. N. (smiling to himself). I believe that she cares about me a great deal, and
that the thought of Mrs. Bloker’s bereavement touched her feelings. She’s not
a bad sort of woman, though nothing like Mrs. Naggleton No. 1.
[Exit to ait at street-door.
Scene m another apartment. Mrs. Naggleton before the looking-glass.
Mrs. N. If he has! And he is quite capable of it. As old as I am, indeed!
Well, it’s no use talking, but-
Scene closes.
SMALL-POX IN SHEEP.
a pastoral.
Lately, one morn, discoursed a brace of clowns.
Dan’l and Dick, upon the Hampshire downs,
A vale between them, threaded by a rill,
And either standing on a distant hill.
Relate in Doric verse, 0 sacred Muse,
How those two clodhoppers expressed their views.
Dan. Hast bear’d the news in Wiltshire oaver there,
As shepherds ool lament at Weyhill Pair ?
Dick. Ees, I be told as how the ship ha’ got
The small-pox, but I spose they manes the rot.
Dan. Rot? Yaa! They’re rottun fast enough, no
doubt,
But their disaise is small-pox, out and out.
Dick. Small-pox in ship? That’s zummut strange and
new,
’Twool make the butchers look uncommon blue ;
What some ool think a wonder and a zign,
’Taint like as ef it had attacted swine.
Dan. Swine! that had been a gurter plag and cuss,
In ship ’tis bad enough; in pigs ’twur wus,
But how should small-pox out o’ Natur’s way
For t’others be, and not as much for they?
Dick. Cause why ’tis what’s a nateral ill to we,
And pigs our sart o’ poor relations be.
The differunce ’twixt ourselves and ship is wide;
Just like a Christian’s is a pig’s inside.
Dan. Some says pigs has the measles, which, if true,
They just as well med ha’ the small-pox too.
’T would spile their beauty to be sure, but there.
Our bacon if we saved we shouldn’t care.
Dick. Now if ship’s got the small-pox to endure,
No doubt but what they ’ll ha the measles, sure.
And hoopun cough, all moor or less severe ;
Sims like enough to make the mutton queer.
Dan. I tell ’ee what; ’tis them new schemes o’ breed,
All them there fine improvements in their feed,
Departun off from Natur’s good old ways,
Instead o’ lavun ship alone to graze.
—’Tis hottish baint it for the time o’year?
Dick. Ees, ’tis ; and I should like a drap o’ beer.
The Best Possible Primate.
Touching the appointment of a new Archbishop, the
Times said, “ The qualities needed in an English Primate
must be very sober and not at all brilliant.” At this rate
the man best qualified to be Archbishop of Canterbury
is the teetotaller Dean Close.
|
I
FOOLS TO AMUSE THE FRENCH.
A M. L’ ETRANGER.
Monsieur,
Tou do not, I fear, enjoy half the amusement you might find
in this country. Let me recommend you to assist at some of the
meetings of our Societies for controlling the inclinations of other
people. For example go, if you can, to the next meeting of the Inter-
national Temperance and Prohibition Conference. You see, Monsieur,
this Association calls it self International. It therefore professes not only
to deprive me of the liberty to get drunk, but, pardon me, yourself
also.
Do you know, Monsieur, what this droll Society does ? A number
of persons organise themselves into a league for the purpose of
encouraging one another to drink nothing stronger than tea, and
also of preventing other people from drinking what they please.
This latter object, which consists with their idea of British freedom,
they seek to effect by procuring laws for the annihilation of the liquor
rrade. They would make it criminal to be a wine-merchant, or the
landlord of any but a Temperance hotel. The first of their objects,
mutual encouragement in abstinence from exhilarating fluids, they
accomplish bv assembling, declaiming, and listening to declamations on
the evils arising from the use of fermented drink, which they enor-
mously exaggerate; also, sometimes, by marching about in procession,
beating drums, bearing banners, singing in chorus, and otherwise
making a demonstration worthy of idiots escaped from an asylum.
Assuredly these imbeciles are right to abstain from intoxicating beve-
rages, for they are always more than tipsy enough, although having
drunk only water.
The word of order of these serious buffoons is Total Abstinence,
They call themselves by the ridiculous name of Teetotallers. Fancy,
Monsieur, an assemblage of simpletons shouting to one onother, “ Come,
friends, let us drink no wine. Let us avoid beer. Courage, comrades,
we will refrain from Cognac. Yes; we will content ourselves with
ginger-beer, soda-water, tea, coffee. Take the pledge; pass it round,
boys ; drink we it in water. Huzza, three times three, we won’t go
home till twilight; jolly companions every one ! ”
If, indeed, these silly and frantic busybodies cried, “No black
beer; no adulterated porter ! ” you would, with me, deem their shout
reasonable; but their cry is “No beer at all!” no pale yellow beer,
even mixed with water. Worse, still, they roar, or rather bray, “ No
Burgundy! No Claret! No Champagne!” Now, Monsieur, you
will see, in its full extent, the folly of these frenzied nincompoops. Our
Government has but just concluded with yours that admirable treaty, so
advantageous as well for the revenue as for the trade of both countries,
which relies, for its success, on our large demand for your excellent
wines. And this bond of union between the two nations would be
destroyed if the Legislature were so mad as to yield to the noisy
agitation of the impertinent boobies who desire to have a preposterous
and tyrannical Maine Law enacted in England.
Monsieur, you really should go and witness the ludicrous exhibition
which these grave but violent zanies will be delighted to afford you
entirely at their own expense. Accept, Monsieur, the assurance of the
distinguished consideration with which I have the honour to subscribe
myself, your very humble servant,