Punch (62.1872)

[June 29, 1872.

" I will soon see about that," said Mr. Punch. " When the good Pantagruel was asked to decide a most
tangled, knotty, and vast law-suit, over which a hundred lawyers had wrangled and fattened for years, what was his first
order? Nay, answer me not in words, but let me take my cooling draught, and see whether you know Rabelais."

As with one impulse all sprang up, delight in each face. Secretaries and porters were summoned, and every
scrap of paper, from the smallest Note to the most gigantic Case was removed into the court-yard. In five minutes all the
painted glass in the windows was richly illuminated, and the flames roared like Vesuvius.

" In these circumstances," said Mr. Punch, "and as thinking of the 'frozen Caucasus' will not enable one to bear
roasting, M. the Count, you might order me some ice."

" Icebergs to Mr. Punch till further notice," said the magnificent Italian, in a style worthy of Cosmo himself.

" You have studied Rabelats," said Mr. Punch, when the fire had subsided, " and I am sure that you will continue
to be guided by his wisdom. Do you accept ray sentence, in this Anglo-American business, as final. No ' understandings,'
mind. Swear it, with good mouth-filling oaths."

They all sent out fervent voices, but Mr. Davis (who has had the advantage of knowing Mr. Greeley) discharged
a kuss so terrific that it tore all the other sounds to tatters.

" Hear, and record the oath, immoral Gods ! " exclaimed Mr. Punch, in a manner like that of Josn Kemble, only
superior in impressiveness. " And now I shall give you a judgment like that of the good Pantagruel. Stenographers!"

Then said Pantagruel-Punch, " and the pauses amid his speech were more awful than the sound : "

" j^tOt having read one word of the cackle just combusted, and knowing and caring nothing about the matter in
question, I hereby give sentence that England shall pay to America, on the first of April last, nineteen thousand bottles
of hay with a needle in each. Shall, on the very first Sunday in the middle of the week, further pay to America eleven
millions of pigs in pokes; and finally, and without fail, Shall, in the next Greek Kalends, remit to Washington two
billions of bottles of smoke, and one thousand casks of the best pickled Australian moonshine, deodorised and aerated.

" 33ut seeing that America, in her turn, has reparation to make, I hereby give sentence that she shall send to
England, on the day of the election of the first Coloured President, twelve thousand barrels of the best pearl-oysters,
the pearls to be set with emera'ds and rubies. Shall, on the day of celebration of the utter and entire extinction of
Bunkum, further pay to England eighty thousand barrels of Columbian Hail, and as many Birds o' Freedom, potted with
truffles ; and lastly, Shall, on the recognition of the Independence of Mormonism, remit to London a hundred boxes of the
letters of which the United States have robbed the Queen's Euglish ; a thousand of the ropes which ought to have been
used in accelerating the quietude of Fenianism, and finally, and without fail, shall pay 30 per cent, on the profits of
' annexed ' English literature.

" 3lltJ this I give for final judgment and decree indissoluble."

Everybody remained wrapt in speechless admiration at the ineffable wisdom of Pantagruel-Punch, who had
thus settled the American Question. But what a shout went up to the Empyrean when he gently added :—

" To enable you to interpret this sentence aright, I present you with my