Punch (68.1875)

February 13, 1875.J

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

71

A SWAIN ON “VIVISECTION.”

onsarnijn’ Yiyisection
now there ’ s made a
gurt to-do.

Good folks ool ha’ ’tis
cruel and that’s my
own opinion too.
But how on we live
Christians be Doc-
tors to practize,
Their hands upon
dumb animals with-
out they fustly
tries ?

And mind, ’tin’t only
Surgeunts, wi’ziun-
tilic aims ;

There’s moor nor
they, brute haisties
as mutilates and
maims;

Your breeders and
your butchers and
your cooks all dooes
the same,

And hunters too, and
shooters, they be
likewise fur to blame.

Thee go thy way out walkun zome vine marnun in the Spring ;

Thee’t hear cows moo, sheep baa, donkeys bray, and small birds sing.
By’m’by a zound o’ squailun comes warded on the breeze,

Fust loud and high, then zoftenun down to silunce by degrees.

That straain o’ Natur’s music “ vivisection ” do denote ;

A what you calls incizhun that’s perfarmed upon a droat.

And fainter on your ear as falls that there melojus cry,

You knows that ’tis the last squake of a pig beeun killed hard-by.

It med be true, what some says, that pig dies an aisy death,

But he’s that stubborn that ’a wun’t in quiet yield his breath,

And that’s the only rason ’a meaks all the noise ’a do,— .

But I zummow can’t help feelun’ ’a must zuffer zummut too.

P’raps ’t’oodn’t do bihaacon, nor poork nuther, no gurt harm,

To kill a pig if we fust put un under chloryfarm ;

So if I could I’d put myself, in case I’d got to die :

And my rule’s do to your fellers as you’d like to be done by.

Then oxen med be slaughtered too, and likewise calves and sheep,
In a state o’ stupefaction, if the means was only cheap,

And when their time was come ’tood be so happy a release,

That people all wi’ one accord ’ood say their end was peace.

Ah, how ’tood he if we was all so tender and humaain,

When we practize “ vivisection,” for to always stifle paain!

Yet my ears ’ood miss that meller’d cry as rose on the gale afore,
For the toonful squail o’ the dyun pig I should never hear no more.

STARS AND GARTERS.

The refusal of the Poet Laureate and Mb.. Thomas Carlyle to
accept respectively a Baronetcy and a Grand Cross Knighthood of
the Bath, is a proof that the honours in question were considered by
the eminent men to which they were offered very unbecoming the
dignity of justly celebrated litterateurs. Mb. Tennyson naturally
did. not wish to have his name associated for the future with Ex-
Lord Mayors, and the Philosopher of Cheyne Walk most likely re-
garded the distinction of Knighthood as an empty wind-bag,
signifying chiefly, upon the whole, a loud-sounding nothingness.
In spite of the dignified contempt of Messrs. Tennyson and Carlyle
for “name-handles,” it is certainly a reproach that England should
be the only country in Europe where intellectual and social merit is
habitually ignored. A Peerage is open to active soldiers, lucky
lawy ers, and second-rate politicians, but the man of genius or tact
is allowed to remain a simple “ Mister ’’ until the end of the chapter.
As this seems to be a scandal requiring immediate removal, Mr.
Punch (ever ready to remedy grievances) has much pleasure in pro-
posing a scheme to the details of which he calls the attention of the
government in general, and of that distinguished literary man, Mr.
Disraeli in particular. Mr. Punch would institute an entirely new
order to be called “ The Reward of Merit,” which should be con-
ferred upon Book-Makers, Dramatists, Artists, and Actors who had
reached a certain standard of excellence. There should also be a

supplementary class for men distinguished for social bravery. The
Order should be divided into Companions, Knights Commander, and
Knights Grand Cross. As the question naturally arises, What should
be the standards of excellence in such an order ?—Mr. Punch
has much satisfaction in publishing the following table of qualifica-
tions for the various grades :—

Book-makers’ Branch.

Companions.—For Journalists who have written a dozen leading
articles without using Lempriere’s Classical Dictionary, or resort-
ing to the editorial “ we.”

Knights Commander.—For Novelists who have written romances
in monthly or weekly instalments in such a manner that their
stories will bear the three-volume ordeal without injury to plot,
dialogue, or characters.

Knights Grand Cross.—For Historians who have found or made
truth more fascinating than fiction.

Dramatists’ Branch.

Companions.—For Farce-writers who have never used the crush-
ing of a bandbox as a point for a low comedian.

Knights Commander.—For Comedy - writers who have trusted
more to plot and dialogue than to upholstery.

Knights Grand Cross.—For Romantic Play-writers who have
dispensed with the lime-light.

Artists’ Branch.

Companions.—For Portrait-painters who have refused to “take
the likenesses ” of municipal nobodies and commercial parvenus.

Knights Commander.—For Depicters of Domestic Scenes who
have never painted the supernaturally cleanly child of an utterly
impossible cottager.

Knights Grand Cross.—For any Painter (not being R.A. or ,
A.R.A.) satisfied with the doings of the Royal Academy.

Actors’ Branch.

Companions.—For Low Comedians who have never added to the
words of their parts after those parts have been delivered over to
them by the authors.

Knights Commander.—For Tragedians who have made Macbeth
probable and Hamlet possible.

Knights Grand Cross.—For Theatrical Managers who have
trusted more to good pieces supported by efficient companies, than
to bill-sticking, newspaper advertisements, literary suppers, and
perambulating placard-carriers.

Social Bravery Branch.

Companions.—For any Husband who has brought home a friend
to dinner three distinct times in one fortnight without warning
his Wife.

Knights Commander.—For Clubmen marrying after they have
reached the age of five-and-thirty.

Knights Grand Cross.—For any Sage daring to speak his mind,
at any time, on any subject, said mind, being clear, powerful, and
infallible. N. B. It is scarcely necessary to say that the only person
obviously eligible for this honour is Mr. Punch himself.

Astronomy and the City.

At the Annual Dinner of the French Hospital, the French Am-
bassador, Comte de Jarnac, who presided, in proposing the health
of “ the distinguished visitors,” is reported as saying “ Can I forget
that our firmament has been visited to night by a Meteor of no ordi-
nary effulgence, the Lord Mayor of the City of London ? ”
Evidently his Excellency had the Lord Mayor’s name in his mind,
but no doubt he felt it was more in accordance with the rules of
oratory to speak of a Meteor, than a Meteoric Stone.

A Greater than Darwin.

Mr. Bright, in his Birmingham speech the other day, declared
that in the last election the body of the English Publicans was
entirely moved by its tail. This ought to settle the question of our
origin, or at least point the direction in which to look for the
“missing link.” Still we should like to ask Lord Dundreary,
who so successfully explained why a dog wags his tail, how it
comes about that the Tail should still wag the Publican ?

ECCLESIOLOGICAL. *

The Dominical or Sunday Letter for next Sunday will be a
Valentine.

The Best Performer in the “ Maskelyne Cooke” line.—
“ Francatelli.”

VJi>g

PROMOTION

WITHOUT

PUR-CHASE