Punch: Punch (76.1879)

February 15, 1879.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

61

AN EVERGREEN VEGETARIAN.

We imagined that our old [friend the Fonetik^Nuz had long ago,
as the Reporter said of an ' elephant in the Zoological Gardens,
departed this life. But no. The Times, a few days since, published
a letter bearing the signature of Eizak Pitman, and dated from the
"Fonetik Institut," Bath. This communication Mr. Pitman has
written " foneticalli," as he says is his custom. It is mainly a
commendation of Vegetarianism and Teetotalism, which he, being
now " siksti-feiv yeerz of aij," has practised for the last forty years.
He testifies that:—

" Theez forti years have been spent in kontineus laibor in konekshon with
the invenshon and propagashon ov mei sistem ov fonetik shorthand and
fonetik spelling, korrespondenz, and the editoarial deutiz of mei weekli
jurnal."

His " weekli jurnal " is of course the Fonetik Nuz, still alive and
kicking, as the People say—kicking against etymology and common
sense. Its longevity seems even more wonderful than its editor's
survival of his " forti yeerz " regimen to the "aij" of " siksti feiv."
His circulation has been maintained on that regimen, but what can
have supported that of his paper ?

Spelling Bees have for some time dropped out of vogue, or else a
"Fonetik" Spelling Bee might answer Mr. Pitman's purpose of
propagating his peculiar orthography. He would not, of course, be
deterred from that expedient by any remark which might possibly
be made that he had a Spelling Bee in his bonnet.

A Wail from the Wastepaper-Basket.

Pitt poor Punch, with Peace Folly's tongue to set agoing—
And Greyy to keep Silliness's sauce at flood-tide flowing!
Six wastepaper-baskets loaded—out of those two names alone !
And Punch is to keep silence e'en from bad words—and not groan!

The Best Security for a New Turkish Loan.—Old Turkish
Customs—the oldest not to pay Turkish Debts.

pari passe.

A weariness to the Body—Weston's Walk.
A weariness to the Mind—The reports of it.

The Limits op Free Trade {according to the SKop).—This side
the Stores.

"IN THE NAME OF THE PROPHET—EIGS \"

The following letter, apparently from one of the speakers at a
recent "Anti-Co-operative" meeting, has been sent to 85, Fleet
Street, for publication :—

Mr. Punch,

I can scarcely write for indignation! Parliament is to meet
and there is to be no Queen's Speech ! Sir, it is disgraceful, scan-
dalous ! Lord Beaconsfield should be turned out of his situation.
We, the shopkeepers of England, pay him, Sir, and we have a right
to insist upon his giving us money's worth for our money. His
salary, and the salaries of all his fellow Civil Servants should be cut
down. It is high time we should touch British statesmen in their
most sensitive point—their pockets. Cabinet Ministers and Civil
Servants shoidd henceforth be placed upon the same footing. Both
are dependants of the public, from whose hard earnings they receive
their enormous salaries, and both should be equally liable to dis-
missal for flying in the face of those who pay them; in too many cases
for doing nothing, or worse than nothing.

The shopkeepers of this great Metropolis—that great class to whom
Britannia owes the sovereignty of the waves, the roast beef of Old
England, and the flag that braved for a thousand years the battle
and the breeze—expected a Queen's Speech. That expectation is to
be disappointed! Again I am forced to pause—I can scarcely write
for indignation!

Surely it will not be pretended that there was no subject calling
for public remark. Hardly, when the shopkeepers of London—that
body of men who form the very marrow and sinews of the nation—■
are crying trumpet-tongued for justice. And when—unless justice
is done them—the sun of the British Empire is in all probability
about to set for ever.

But the overpaid Cabinet shall have no excuse. Doubtless Lord
Beaconsfield and his labour-shirking colleagues are spending the
hours they charge to the public in writing novels, reading the papers,
or toasting various parts of their persons at roaring office fires,' kept
up at the expense of the retail tradesmen of the country. We know
but too well what goes on in those luxurious resorts of the Civil Ser-
vice. But they shall have no excuse. As Lord Beaconsfield bas
neglected to prepare a Queen's Speech, I have supplied the omission,
and would suggest as appropriate to the present crisis—

" My Lords and Gentlemen,

'' I feel bound to address you upon a matter of the most
urgent importance. A gigantic scandal exists in this Metropolis—
the Civil Service Stores.. I expect that you will immediately suppress
this most pernicious, not to say, infamous institution.

" I regret to say that hostilities have broken out between my troops
and the Zulus. This untoward event is entirely owing to the
Civil Service Stores. Had the employes in the Colonial Office de-
voted more attention to South Africa, and less care to Grocery, the
lamentable collision in South Africa might doubtless have been
averted.

" The Afghan difficulty is still far from solved. There is no doubt
that Shere Ali elected to throw in his lot with the Czar of Russia,
on account of the existence of the Civil Service Stores. The Ameer
very naturally felt that the power of England was shaken to its
foundation by the existence of an institution which struck at the
very existence of the British Retail Traders as a body.

"It is unnecessary to point out that the prevailing distress, the un-
usually severe winter, the recent failure of several banks, and the
many burglaries at Blackheath are largely, if not entirely, owing to
the insidious influence of the Civil Service Stores, though time will
not allow me to trace the connection at present.

" Gentlemen of the House of Commons,

" You will be asked to vote an enormous sum for Supplies.
The Estimates that will be placed before you would have been far
smaller had it not been for the existence of the Civil Service Stores.

" My Lords and Gentlemen,

" I must request that you will suspend all attempts at Legis-
lation until you have dealt with the all-important subject of the
abominable Civil Service Stores. As you know, England is a nation
of shopkeepers, and the question thus becomes one of eminently
Imperial interest.

" I now dismiss you to your duties. When I address you again at
the close of the Session, I hope I shall be able to congratulate you
upon the utter stamping out of the plague of Co-operation, that
economical Black Death which threatens England with consequences
just as fatal as those with which the plague menaces Russia ! "

That, Mr,Punch, is the sort of Queen's Speech we want. And if
we don't have it, let Lord Beaconsfield and his colleagues tremble,
at the wrath of a

Justly Indignant Tradesman.

Automatic Couplings.—Scotch marriages.

vol. t.xxyi.

g