DOI issue:
August 26, 1882
DOI Page / Citation link:https://doi.org/10.11588/diglit.17753#0097
August 26, 1882.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
89
having said what you wanted, offering to withdraw. No fun, no
nothing. Only this one Member, faithful among the faithless found.
Sir Charles Forster was one of the sixty, and as he put his hat on
at home preparatory to losing it at the House, he pictured himself
sitting lonely and in full possession of the House. “Like Cassa
What’s-his-name,” he said to himself; “ the boy who stood on the
quarter-deck where all but he were burned.”
Perfectly disgusted on arriving at House to find that same
idea had occurred to fifty-nine others. Evidently no use to
stop. So one by one disgusted Members retired, and House dwindled
■down till at half-past four Counted Out.
Business done.—Appropriation Bill sent up to Upper House.
Thursday.—Ireland broken out in fresh place. Mr. Gray has been
breaking the law, and been punished for it. Extraordinary excitement
nnd indignation at this remarkable concurrence of events. Six Land-
Dash my wig, but I 'll hare no more Gray airs! ” exclaimed Ju'tiee Lawson,
and the Deputy-Coroner, or Half-Crowner, took off the M.P. bodily to gaol.
Leaguers told off to hurry back to Westminster and protest against the
unheard-off procedure. All very well for law-breakers in England
to be punished ; but in Ireland not used to it and won’t have it.
Considering the shock received by public mind in Ireland, pro-
ceedings went off with unexpected quietude, or would have done only
for Mr. Callan. Philip’s feelings overcame him again, and, to his
great surprise, was always running up against the Speaker or some
other authority. Whatever he does is wrong. He cheers his friend
Sexton, and Sexton angrily rebukes him. He bellows at the
Attorney-General, and the Speaker threatens direful conse-
quences. So Philip goes to sleep. But even here liberty of subject
interfered with. When he sleeps he snores. Not an ordinary snore,
but an effort such as a full-sized over-fed porker might make on
discovering that when he thought he’d been going the wrong way,
he’d been artfully led on a right path. Speaker looked threaten-
ing. Sergeant-at-Arms sat at attention ! Another snore, and all
would be lost. The O’Kelly equal to the occasion. Executing a
forced march, he came up to the
bench over which Philip’s head
gracefully hung, and, by dexterously
pulling his hair, kept him just awake
enough not to snore, and not so wide
awake as to contradict.
Did very well up to last moment,
when, Speaker about to put Reso-
lution, a too vigorous tug at his back
hair, brought Philip to his feet; in
which position he contrived to stand
till he ’d compelled adjournment of
debate by lapse of time.
Strangers in Gallery much edified.
Opinion of House of Commons greatly
raised. Business done. — Adjourn-
ment settled.
Friday.—All safe at last, and both
Houses happily adjourned. Joseph
Gillis, with deathless energy, wanted
to begin again as soon as the Speaker
came back from the Lords. But
would not have it, and whilst Joey B.
was thinking how it would be if he moved the adjournment, the
House was adjourned till 24th of October. Till then, as far as this
Diary is concerned, the great question started by Shakespeare,
“ Toby, or not to be F ” is gently but firmly settled in the negative.
Toby, M.P. for "Barkshire, off
for his Holiday.
FABLES REVERSED.
No. IV.—The Hare and the Tortoise.
In days of yore, by which I mean
A thousand things since then have been,
The Tortoise started on a race,
But moved at such a tedious pace
That his competitor, the Hare,
Running here, there, and everywhere,
Would often tarry by the way,
Sure, when he pleased, to win the day ;
But. not disposed to miss the chance
Of seeing points of interest.
So here he took his winter rest,
And there in summer made pleasaunce.
The Tortoise still, with heart and soul,
Thought only of the distant goal.
Footsore and sad this sort of Toad
Crept wearily along the road.
The Hare could always catch him up
But every eve
To dine took leave
And halted every night to sup.
Conclusion and Moral.
The Tortoise won the race—by half a head !
But what a miserable life he’d led!
TILE SPENDTHRIFT’S GUIDE.—No. V.
Ingenuity in spending or wasting money will grow by what it
feeds on, and the Spendthrift will feel a lofty contempt for the poor
plodders in outlay who keep yachts, breed race-horses, and fatten
prize cattle. He will aim at a higher mark, and as long as he shoots
with golden bullets, will find no difficulty in hitting it.
If there is one thing more than another that can be bought at a
certain price in the open market, it is a seat in Parliament. When
a seat is bought, it by no means follows that the buyer is obliged to
sit in it. He can appoint a deputy. If he can buy one seat, he can
buy ten ; and if he can buy ten, he can buy twenty, with the usual
trading reduction on taking a quantity. If he can appoint one
deputy, he can appoint twenty, and can thus become the sole lessee
and manager of a compact Parliamentary party. There is nothing
to prevent him calling it the Sixth Party. The Fourth Party is a
copyright term, and the right of translation is reserved ; and the
term Fifth Party is more or less claimed by Messrs. C'owen, Goschen,
and Co.—the champion jibbers of St. Stephen’s.
In arranging his plans he may calculate his expenses to a shilling.
An average seat in Parliament costs between four and five thousand
pounds sterling, and the cost of keeping it up may vary from three
hundred to a thousand a year. Five thousand pounds is a fair sum
to pay for each Member for one year’s lease, or one hundred thousand
pounds for twenty Members. This will include all charges—even
the fees for twenty elections at the Reform Club. The annual
allowance to the twenty Members—as in the case of the Irish Party
—is a matter of arrangement.
In selecting bis Members, the Spendthrift need consult no Party,
and no prejudices. He may keep up appearances by giving every
“ interest ” an apparent chance, on the distinct understanding that
all voting is to be under his sole direction. He can ha,vea “godless”
Member, with a good digestion for Mumbo-Jumbo tests, and be can
balance this representative with a serious Member—one of the pets
of the Reform Club—whose notion of liberty is the liberty of think-
ing exactly as the serious Member thinks. He can have a Cabman to
represent the Cab interest, and an ex-Prize-fighter to uphold the
principles of peace on earth and good-will amongst men. He can
have an unconvicted Member of the criminal classes to watch the
legislation which is supposed to restrict and punish the spread of
crime; and he can have a Publican to keep an eye on licensing
restrictions. He can have an Acrobat to watch all Acts of Parlia-
ment limiting the freedom of athletic sports ; and he can balance
this with a milksop Member who is inclined to place every dangerous
crossing under the parental care of Government.
He can have a waspish Member with a head for figures, who will
fill the place so long left vacant by the late Joseph Hume, and he
can have several vestrymen well trained to expose the waste and
incompetency of Bumbledom. A sonorous speaker against time, who
is never at a loss for words, and never hampered with ideas, an
impecunious Lord to take the Chair at Public Meetings, and a well-
to-do Actor to give a conservative tone and an appearance of
respectability to the whole combination, will make the Sixth Party
one of the most complete things in Parliament^ The Spendthrift, in
exchange for his money, will become a power in the State, and will
rank with Gin, Beer, and Railways in the Councils of the Nation.
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
89
having said what you wanted, offering to withdraw. No fun, no
nothing. Only this one Member, faithful among the faithless found.
Sir Charles Forster was one of the sixty, and as he put his hat on
at home preparatory to losing it at the House, he pictured himself
sitting lonely and in full possession of the House. “Like Cassa
What’s-his-name,” he said to himself; “ the boy who stood on the
quarter-deck where all but he were burned.”
Perfectly disgusted on arriving at House to find that same
idea had occurred to fifty-nine others. Evidently no use to
stop. So one by one disgusted Members retired, and House dwindled
■down till at half-past four Counted Out.
Business done.—Appropriation Bill sent up to Upper House.
Thursday.—Ireland broken out in fresh place. Mr. Gray has been
breaking the law, and been punished for it. Extraordinary excitement
nnd indignation at this remarkable concurrence of events. Six Land-
Dash my wig, but I 'll hare no more Gray airs! ” exclaimed Ju'tiee Lawson,
and the Deputy-Coroner, or Half-Crowner, took off the M.P. bodily to gaol.
Leaguers told off to hurry back to Westminster and protest against the
unheard-off procedure. All very well for law-breakers in England
to be punished ; but in Ireland not used to it and won’t have it.
Considering the shock received by public mind in Ireland, pro-
ceedings went off with unexpected quietude, or would have done only
for Mr. Callan. Philip’s feelings overcame him again, and, to his
great surprise, was always running up against the Speaker or some
other authority. Whatever he does is wrong. He cheers his friend
Sexton, and Sexton angrily rebukes him. He bellows at the
Attorney-General, and the Speaker threatens direful conse-
quences. So Philip goes to sleep. But even here liberty of subject
interfered with. When he sleeps he snores. Not an ordinary snore,
but an effort such as a full-sized over-fed porker might make on
discovering that when he thought he’d been going the wrong way,
he’d been artfully led on a right path. Speaker looked threaten-
ing. Sergeant-at-Arms sat at attention ! Another snore, and all
would be lost. The O’Kelly equal to the occasion. Executing a
forced march, he came up to the
bench over which Philip’s head
gracefully hung, and, by dexterously
pulling his hair, kept him just awake
enough not to snore, and not so wide
awake as to contradict.
Did very well up to last moment,
when, Speaker about to put Reso-
lution, a too vigorous tug at his back
hair, brought Philip to his feet; in
which position he contrived to stand
till he ’d compelled adjournment of
debate by lapse of time.
Strangers in Gallery much edified.
Opinion of House of Commons greatly
raised. Business done. — Adjourn-
ment settled.
Friday.—All safe at last, and both
Houses happily adjourned. Joseph
Gillis, with deathless energy, wanted
to begin again as soon as the Speaker
came back from the Lords. But
would not have it, and whilst Joey B.
was thinking how it would be if he moved the adjournment, the
House was adjourned till 24th of October. Till then, as far as this
Diary is concerned, the great question started by Shakespeare,
“ Toby, or not to be F ” is gently but firmly settled in the negative.
Toby, M.P. for "Barkshire, off
for his Holiday.
FABLES REVERSED.
No. IV.—The Hare and the Tortoise.
In days of yore, by which I mean
A thousand things since then have been,
The Tortoise started on a race,
But moved at such a tedious pace
That his competitor, the Hare,
Running here, there, and everywhere,
Would often tarry by the way,
Sure, when he pleased, to win the day ;
But. not disposed to miss the chance
Of seeing points of interest.
So here he took his winter rest,
And there in summer made pleasaunce.
The Tortoise still, with heart and soul,
Thought only of the distant goal.
Footsore and sad this sort of Toad
Crept wearily along the road.
The Hare could always catch him up
But every eve
To dine took leave
And halted every night to sup.
Conclusion and Moral.
The Tortoise won the race—by half a head !
But what a miserable life he’d led!
TILE SPENDTHRIFT’S GUIDE.—No. V.
Ingenuity in spending or wasting money will grow by what it
feeds on, and the Spendthrift will feel a lofty contempt for the poor
plodders in outlay who keep yachts, breed race-horses, and fatten
prize cattle. He will aim at a higher mark, and as long as he shoots
with golden bullets, will find no difficulty in hitting it.
If there is one thing more than another that can be bought at a
certain price in the open market, it is a seat in Parliament. When
a seat is bought, it by no means follows that the buyer is obliged to
sit in it. He can appoint a deputy. If he can buy one seat, he can
buy ten ; and if he can buy ten, he can buy twenty, with the usual
trading reduction on taking a quantity. If he can appoint one
deputy, he can appoint twenty, and can thus become the sole lessee
and manager of a compact Parliamentary party. There is nothing
to prevent him calling it the Sixth Party. The Fourth Party is a
copyright term, and the right of translation is reserved ; and the
term Fifth Party is more or less claimed by Messrs. C'owen, Goschen,
and Co.—the champion jibbers of St. Stephen’s.
In arranging his plans he may calculate his expenses to a shilling.
An average seat in Parliament costs between four and five thousand
pounds sterling, and the cost of keeping it up may vary from three
hundred to a thousand a year. Five thousand pounds is a fair sum
to pay for each Member for one year’s lease, or one hundred thousand
pounds for twenty Members. This will include all charges—even
the fees for twenty elections at the Reform Club. The annual
allowance to the twenty Members—as in the case of the Irish Party
—is a matter of arrangement.
In selecting bis Members, the Spendthrift need consult no Party,
and no prejudices. He may keep up appearances by giving every
“ interest ” an apparent chance, on the distinct understanding that
all voting is to be under his sole direction. He can ha,vea “godless”
Member, with a good digestion for Mumbo-Jumbo tests, and be can
balance this representative with a serious Member—one of the pets
of the Reform Club—whose notion of liberty is the liberty of think-
ing exactly as the serious Member thinks. He can have a Cabman to
represent the Cab interest, and an ex-Prize-fighter to uphold the
principles of peace on earth and good-will amongst men. He can
have an unconvicted Member of the criminal classes to watch the
legislation which is supposed to restrict and punish the spread of
crime; and he can have a Publican to keep an eye on licensing
restrictions. He can have an Acrobat to watch all Acts of Parlia-
ment limiting the freedom of athletic sports ; and he can balance
this with a milksop Member who is inclined to place every dangerous
crossing under the parental care of Government.
He can have a waspish Member with a head for figures, who will
fill the place so long left vacant by the late Joseph Hume, and he
can have several vestrymen well trained to expose the waste and
incompetency of Bumbledom. A sonorous speaker against time, who
is never at a loss for words, and never hampered with ideas, an
impecunious Lord to take the Chair at Public Meetings, and a well-
to-do Actor to give a conservative tone and an appearance of
respectability to the whole combination, will make the Sixth Party
one of the most complete things in Parliament^ The Spendthrift, in
exchange for his money, will become a power in the State, and will
rank with Gin, Beer, and Railways in the Councils of the Nation.