Punch: Punch (83.1882)

170

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [October 14, 1882.

AVAILABLE INCREMENT.

Old Shoddyworth (ivho had retired from-business). “ What are you a doin’ of, ’Awkins ?”
His Head Gardener. “I was thinning the Grates, Sir.”

Old Shoddyworth. “Oh, I dessay ! That won’t do wi’ me, y’ know! What I don’t
Eat I can Sbj l ! ”

THE SPENDTHRIFT’S GUIDE.—No. VIII.

After doing so mucli for the benefit and gratification of his fellow creatures, the Spend-
thrift is quite entitled to do something for the gratification of himself, without considering
public opinion, or the greatest happiness of the greatest number. One of the most dis-
agreeable results of possessing property is the necessity of making a will, which brings you
face to face with the word finis, and compels you to please nobody, while trying to please
everybody. The best way out of this difficulty is to please yourself. In disposing of his
wealth, the Spendthrift will select two or more persons in different grades of life, who must
be utter strangers to himself, and to each other. He will select a King or Queen, a landed
proprietor, and a capitalist. The King or Queen must not be poor or insignificant, the
landed proprietor must be the absolute lord of countless acres, and the capitalist must be
the owner of many millions sterling. In selecting these representatives of three classes, the

Spendthrift must be careful that the landed
proprietor and the capitalist, at least, have
never disgraced themselves or their pro-
perty, by any act of public or private
generosity. The King or Queen may be
allowed a little latitude in this respect, on
account of their position, which compels
them to do many things which they could
avoid as private individuals ; but the quali-
fication of the two others must be strictly
adhered to. Having made the necessary
inquiries, the Spendthrift will divide his
wealth in the following fashion. He will
give his land to the landed proprietor ; he
will give his cash, securities, and funded
property to the capitalist, and he will give
his jewels, pictures, houses, statues, and
other valuables to the King or Queen. He
will reserve just enough money to pay for
his modest funeral, and to write over his
grave the following inscription :—■

“He spent not wisely, but too well.”

IN MY NEW VICAR’S TIME.

(Popular Curate's Comic Song, at the Drill
Hall, Derby.)

“ But a Curate had advantages. He is
received as a gentleman, and plays lawn-tennis.
He ought to do it with the poor children as well
as with the ladies. He can marry if he likes.
A Birmingham shoeblack became a Scripture-
reader, a Curate, and married a lady of title in
London.”—Rev. J. Gedge at the Church Congress.

Talk not to me of vanished years,

When I was underpaid,

And all my earthly hopes and fears
Hung on the “ Curates’ Aid.”

For now at tea-fights am I seen,—

At tennis lead the van,

And as I skip across the green
Am dubbed “ a gentleman.”

Chorus.

So. Apron’d Dean, with manner coy,
Plump Bishop in his prime,

Ne’er knew the fun that I enjoy
In my new Vicar’s time.

Though hostile critics sometimes peach
On one too prone to spoon ;

Though only housemaids hear me preach
On Sunday afternoon—

One privilege I boast in life
That must the layman strike—

While years he waits to wed his wife,

I marry when I like.

Chorus.

So now e’en Army Swells I meet
With confidence sublime :

I’ve known—a fact—Dragoons retreat
In my new Vicar’s time!

Would you my shoe-black days bemoan ?

My early lot reverse ?

Reflect!—I now a Duchess own,

For better or for worse !

And if my titled bliss you doubt,

And urge some happier state,

As Mr. Gedge points neatly out,

I can but emigrate.

Chorus.

So mourn no more the Curate’s lot
As theme too sad for rhyme ;

If such ’twas once, by Jove, ’tis not
In my new Vicar’s time!

The Law’s delays are proverbial. So will
be the New Law Courts’ delays. Peter
O’Grady says, “If the New Law Courts
aren’t ready soon, they ’ll be old by the time
they ’re finished, and will have to be closed
before they ’re opened.”