Punch (90.1886)

52

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Waey so, 1886.

PAPERS FROM PUMP-HANDLE COURT.

MT BRIEF-BAG GETS ME INTO TROUBLE.

Whejt I have nothing better to do from a legal point of view; I
take a hand in the suit of Shrimp v. Lambkin. My connection
with the matter is purely en amateur, as, being an interested party, of
course, I cannot he briefed. Shrimp v. Lambkin is being tried in
the Chancery Division of the High Court. It is rather a complicated
affair, having six or seven sets of Solicitors, and as many Plaintiffs
and Defendants. It is somewhat difficult to find out among the latter
which is which, as the Plaintiff of to-day frequently becomes the
Defendant of to-morrow, while the Defendant of yesterday often
blossoms into the Plaintiff of next week. It is scarcely necessary to
say after this that Shrimp v. Lambkin is a family dispute.

On entering my Chambers, a few days since, Poetington met
me with the usual announcement "that Shrimp v. Lambkin was
again in the paper."

" Shrimp's people dropped in, Sir," continued my right-hand man,
" to say that if you had nothing better to do, you might take the
lease and affidavits in the newspaper good-will matter down to Mr.
Justice Chitson's Chambers, as they have a most important appoint-
ment at 2 to-day—in fact, a matter of vital importance—and can't
get on without them. They say you have all the documents, and
that there are no copies."

" Is my bag here ? " I asked PoETllfGTOK".

"No, Sir," replied my excellent and admirable Clerk, "you will
remember that you last used it to carry home the pheasants Mr. Thoee-
tos" sent you, which arrived at the same time with that grocery
packet from the Stores."

Spurred on to exertion by the feeling that much depended on my
promptitude, I hastened to Burmah Gardens, filled my black bag
with the necessary documents, and commenced my return to the
Strand. I determined, as I had now plenty of time, to walk across the
Park, and had got as far as the Horse Guards' Parade when, to my
surprise, I discovered a throng of people and several batteries of
artillery. Suddenly it occurred to me that it was the occasion of the
Queer's Opening of Parliament, and that the crowd before me was
waftingthe arrival of Her Majesty. I looked at the Horse Guards'
Clock—it was twenty minutes past one. If I could not get across at
once, I was, so far as Shrimp v. Lambkin was concerned, a lost man.

In vain attempts to escape, I found myself at last confined in a
mob of people awaiting the procession, and unable to move either
forward or backward. I was a close prisoner, and could not stir. It was

Thursday, Jan. 21.--" Queen's weather ! "—" Oh, what a day we're having!"

at this moment that I suddenly became conscious of the presence of my
black bag, which had already attracted considerable hostile attention.
I smiled as innocently as I could; hut, to judge from the expression
on the faces around me, evidently my forced geniality created an
unfavourable impression. I would have given worlds at this
moment to have got rid of my black bag, even with its precious
freight of leases and affidavits, as I felt that it was seriously en-
dangering my safety. All the stories of the dynamite outrages, in-
variably associated with a black bag, came back to_ me, and at this
supreme moment of my existence my nose was seized_ with a fit of
irritability which I felt could only be cured by gentle friction. I did
not dare to raise my arms, for fear of creating suspicion. In one
hand I had an umbrella and handkerchief, in the other my black
bag, which became heavier and heavier in my numbed half-
frozen fingers. It was at this moment that a man in a pot
hat, who looked like a cross between a very country butler and a
a very^ town-bred gamekeeper, approached me, and stood beside me.
In an instant some of my rougher companions slunk away.

" Now," said the new-comer, in an undertone to me, "we don't
want no disturbance. "We've 'ad our eye upon you since you've
been here—and we intend to keep an eye on you till you step it."

I indignantly protested against this uncalled-for interference,'and
asked him what he meant.

"Never you mind what I mean, but just keep your hands where
they are, for if you attempt to move them it will be the worse for
you."

"Do you suspect my bag ?" I cried, indignantly; " for, if you'do,
I '11 open it and show you what it contains, '

"Don't be a fool! " said he, in a hurried whisper. " All our men
are spread about, and if the roughs saw you and me having a dis-
turbance over a black bag we might both get badly hurt—you be-
cause they didn't know you, and me because they did. So, to make
things quite safe, put your hands together and there you are."

With this, to my great surprise, he cleverly clutched hold of both
wrists of my coat and effectually handcuffed me. Again my nose
put itself painfully in evidence, and my numbed fingers, which suffered
terribly from the cold, began to relax their hold. I informed, my
captor that I could retain the bag no longer, when he told me that if
I dropped it "it would be the worse for me." _

It was in this painful and humiliating position that I saw my Most
Gracious Sovereign pass me. I raised a feeble cheer, but was not
allowed to lift my hat, as my loyalty suggested would have been
appropriate to the occasion. I can only hope that if Her Majesty
recognised one of her most devoted servants covered in her presence,
she will not attribute it to any feeling of disrespect, or any legal
claim to wear my hat in the presence of my King, which, I am well
aware, is the sole privilege of one of her nobles. Immediately the
Royal Procession had passed, and the lines of spectators were broken,
I turned indignantly to my captor, and demanded an explanation.

The man, on finding from my card who I was, was profuse in his
apologies, but excused himself on the score that '' he was quite sure
that none of his people had ever seen me at the Sessions, the Bailey,
or the Royal Courts."

Angrily throwing myself into a hansom, I drove at a furious rate
to Mr. Justice Chitson's Chambers, where I found "one of Shrimp's
people " quietly lounging in the corridor.

Here they are! " I cried, excitedly, thrusting the precious docu-
ments, which I had drawn from my brief-bag, into his hands. " I
hope I am not too late! "

Shrimp's Representative looked at me calmly, and then, seeming
to recollect something, observed, "Ah, to be sure! I forgot! Yes,
of course, to-day we were to decide whether the beneficiaries were
entitled to fifteen thousand pounds under the will, or only fivepence.
Well, some of the other people forgot the appointment, so the Chief
Clerk has adjourned the matter until we are ready, which will be, I
suppose, in about three months! "

Prom which it will be seen that the proceedings in Shrimp v.
Lambkin are not to bo carried on too hastily!

A. Briefless, Junior.

NEW PEOPOSED EULES OE PEOCEDTJEE.

(By the Wife of an Old Member.)

1. The House to begin early, 10'30 a.m. Every Member to be in
his place by 11, on penalty of a fine.

2. No Member to quit the House without giving a written account of
where he is going to, and obtaining a signed pass from Mr. Speaker.

3. Adjournment at 1 for an hour's luncheon. This will be taken
in the Refreshment Boom, so that the Members' Wives, who are out
shopping, can join their husbands at this meal.

4. Members to be in their plaoes again at 2 sharp, -on penalty of a
fine.

5. The Ladies' Gallery to be open always to all Members' Wives,
who at the commencement of each Session will be provided with an
ivory ticket of admission.

G. Adjournment at 5, for tea. Ladies admitted. Members to be
back in their places at 5-45 on penalty of a fine.

7. The dinner-time to be from 7-30 to 9'30. Absence from the
House compulsory during these two hours. Members to be back
and in their places by 9-45, under pain of a fine.

8. All fines to be divided among the Members' Wives.

9. The House to adjourn at 11-30 p.m. punctually.

10. In answer to " Who goes home ? " every married Member will,
on passing out, give'written information as to his immediate destina-
tion. This book will be open for public inspection all day.

11. Parliament to adjourn from the third week in July to the third
week in November.

12. Funds to be provided by the Nation (whatever this may mean)
for payment of Married Members' London expenses (house, carriage,
servants, gas, and water, &c), during each Session. These sums to
to be made payable only to the Members' Wives, who will give their
receipts for the same.

13. That Members' Wives should be admitted to all parts of the
House on exhibiting their ivories; but this last expression is not to
be taken as meaning " showing their teeth."

Shakspeare m Roberts the Champion- Billiard Playee. -
" Most potent in potting."— Othello, Act ii. Sc. 3.