Punch (90.1886)

February 20, 1886.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVAKI.

80

FOREIGN NOTES OF A RECENT TRIAL.

To the Redactcxir in Chief of the " Gazette of Paris and the other Worlds."

Deae Colleague,

According to your direction, I presented myself for to
assist on Friday last, at the Royal Courts of Justice, to see how these
Insulars conduct their law-suits. I wandered along the passages
until at last I found an angry crowd of Barristers divided into two

^-esv hodies — one in

front of a har,

the other behind
it. They fought
like demons, and
all declared they
were "in the
case." It was a
// dreadful sight!
! I am told by one
of the janitors
that they were a
portion of "the
Unemployed."
The janitor made
me the explana-
tion that as I was
Foreigner there
would he no
difficulty about

Gentlemen of the Jury; or, Complimentary Admissions my gaining ad-
to a Private Box. mittance, if I said

I was Ambassador. I followed the advice, and was at once allowed
to pass through the door into the Court. It was a wonderful sight,
that Court! The place had evidently been seized by a section of
"the Unemployed," for already the back benches were quite full of
white-wigged Advocates.

I heard from the gossip that flew about, that the case was a political
one, yet full to the tops of the fingers of domestic interest. Well,"
I said to myself, when I found from an Advocate the most obliging,
who said he was "taking a note," that the new Attobney-Geneeal
had for his colleague James-Sie-Henby, '' why not engage your
friends ?" And I was also not surprised to find from the same
Advocate so polite (who said he was M. Beiefless) that Monsieur Joe
Chamberlain" was there. "Is he not his friend?" I said, and
thought that friendship has to herself the claims. Suddenly there
was a crash, and the remainder of the Unemployed swept in ! It was
a moment of danger! How they did rush in! These unfortunate
ones! Then the Judge entered, and bowed to the Bar, and, sitting
in his chair, regarded the Gallery—he too had friends, this magis-
trate the most distinguished. At this moment there was a murmur,
and the Turkish Ambassador was received. "Ah!" I to myself
did whisper, " the wily old fox! He has come to see how it will help
him with the Eastern Question! "

And then the moment arrived for them to commence. And now
judge of my surprise, my indignation, my astonishment! They put
the Jury in their box! '"Well, not much in this," you say—" why
not the Jury ? " I will tell you—I who speak will tell you—" why
not the Jury!"

"Who is he who they do put in the Jury-Box, as what you call—
is it not—the Foreman V " I asked of the Advocate the most energetic
beside me.

"That is Mr. Cyeil Flower, Liberal Member of Parliament,"
returned Monsieur Beiefless.

I opened my eyes, but said, " Well, it is a coincidence. It means
nothing! Monsieur Flowee happens to be selected by a chance! "
But there came another surprise, another horror, another coincidence
—bah! coincidence! Monsieur Joe Chambeelain, Member of the
Cabinet, was put into the Jury-Box! You hear, to give such a
verdict they put Monsieur Joe Chambeelain in the Jury-Box!
It is true that Monsieur Joe Chambeelain looked very dignified,
very horrified, very surprised, at some things_he heard. But ought he
to have been there ? Oh, shocking !

And Monsieur Flowee ! Ah! that Monsieur Flower ! Once he
said something to Monsieur Joe Chamberlain, and "Mr. Ktjssell,"
(as the Attorney-General was addressed by that "Devil," Monsieur
Wright—Monsieur Beiefless told me Monsieur Weight was a
" Devil." Ah ! appearances they are deceitful!) shook his finger at
him, and was very angry! And why was he angry ? Because
Monsieur Flower was saving "chats" (word English) to Monsieur
Chamberlain when a witness was being cross-examined! Ah.
" Mr. Attorney " is very fair! Very good! But there is more!

Ah, another Juryman! Can I believe my eyes ? Am I not head-
mounted ? The Turkish Ambassador ! Yes^ he too—this gloomy one
—was to help! A verdict from that trio! It was too much!
England is coerced ! England has no liberty! Albion is perfidious
indeed! So I rushed away—I waited not for the decision. That

you already know. It has come to you by telegraph. And what is
it ? A paradox! And what else could one expect from such a
"Jury." Listen! Cybll, Joe, the Turkish Ambassador! Bah!

Accept the assurances of my greatest consideration,

[Signed) Jules Canard.

1267,. Vauxhall Bridge Boad, South Belgravia.

P.S.—I am told that the trial I saw was heard without a Jury!
How can this be, when I tell you—I who speaks—I saw them, Cyril,
Joe, and the Turk, with my own eyes, in the Jury-Box! It 'is a
subterfuge, what they call a "bang-cracker-bang! " Oh, shocking!

YEO HO!

As last week we recommended the perusal of _ Dr. Boose's Wear
and Tear of London—the Boose in TJrhe article in the Fortnightly,
so now we have to thank Dr. Bueney Teo for his consolatory essay
on " Food Accessories," in the Nineteenth Century for this month.

"Food Accessories," though including accidentally pickles, may
be taken in a general way as a synonym for " drinks of aU sorts,"
and it is delightful to know that Dr. Teo's observations may be
summed up in this golden rule—"Drink whatever you like and
whenever you like it, as long as from experience you have found out
that it, whatever it may be, agrees with you."

Dr. Bueney Yeo's prescription agrees with us, and we agree with
Dr. Yeo.

I like you, Dr. Bukney Teo,
The reason why I '11 let you know.
A good example do you show,
That's why I like you, Burney Teo.

"Food Accessories" is so much more elegant, as a~term, than
"drink," that we hope it will soon be brought into popular use.
"Will you take some Food Accessory ? Give it a name. Another
bottle of '74 Food Accessory, if you please. Now, Gentlemen,
bumpers! "

Champagne drinkers and champagne firms too ought to be grateful
to Dr. Bueney Yeo, who gives it a distinct superiority over other
wines in accelerating digestion. Pommeet and Geeno should send
him a medal. Then it is absolutely a restorative in itself to be told
on such authority that "smaU quantities of claret, hock, and even
of sherry, act as pure stimulants." Bravo! Also "a moderate
quantity of light beer, when ' well up,' is favourable to stomach
digestion." Let it be clear, amber-coloured, decanted Bass ; let it
be well up and then well down. The learned Doctor is rather down
on tea, but the smaU cup of black coffee immediately after dinner is
harmless if not too strong.

Dr. Yeo utterly dissipates the idea which possesses some timid
drinkers that effervescent table-waters, taken during dinner, are good
for digestion. He says, "they exercise a considerable retarding
influence,"—and certainly the practice is cheerless^ and unsociable,
and now that there is such an authority against it, let us hope it
will be banished from the tables of aU whose "food accessories"
would be insulted by being so "craftily qualified." Once more,
thanks to Bueney Yeo—a name, by the way, which is strictly
English, and yet looks uncommonly like that of a Chinese Philo-
sopher.___

BEER VEBSTJS WATER.
When the men who supply us with adulterated beer fall out with
the men who provide us with impure water, the British consumer
may perhaps expect to "hear something to his advantage, indue
time. The other day a deputation from the Licensed VictuaUers of
Walworth waited on Mr. Bieon, Q.C., the Police Court Magistrate of
Lambeth, complaining of unjust extra charges made upon them by
the Southwark and Vauxhall Water Company. Mr. Biron intimated
his opinion that the Withers, not the Water Men, were in the right,
but said that opinion was not binding. Only a " pious opinion " in
fact. He advised them to send a deputation to the Company ! We
do not know whether the Witlers took as their motto " Crede Biron."
Mr. Punch would suggest that the two parties in this pretty and
promising quarrel should refer it for settlement to the arbitration of
Sir Wilfrid Lawson and Mr. Archibald Dobbs.

" At a time like the present," said the Daily Neivs last Thursday.
1' the one thing which the Authorities must do is to keep their heads."
But if the Heads are so useless as they evidently were on Monday
the 8th, the sooner they are lost the better. Any change in the
Heads must surely be for the public benefit. The Chief Head gets
£2100 per annum. A valuable specimen of a Constable this ought
to be.__

The "Labour" for the " Unemployed Rioters "—Hard, and three
months of it.