Punch (90.1886)

Mat 22, 1886.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 243

Scientific Sage. Hang it! you don't un-
derstand. 'Tisn't Science's fault, you know.

Simple Savage. Whose, then ?

Scientific Sage. Oh, that of cheese-paring
Governments, faddy officials, competitive
crotcheteers who all want their own ways,
squabbles of the Ins and Outs, bad metal
and not enough of it—a thousand things.^

Simple Savage. Oh, I see. Precision
qualified by—a thousand things. By the
way, how would you define a " fluke " ?

Scientific Sage. Why, ahem!—the odd
chance that may come off, but is deuced
unlikely to.

Simple Savage. Oh, then our primitive
weapons did not mean flukes. The odds
were never a thousand to one against our
hitting the mark. But then, of course,
we made them ourselves, had no Govern-
ment officials or contractors, and as to
competitive crotcheteers—by which I pre-
sume you mean pig-headed palaverers—we
always settled them with a club.

Scientific Sage. Wish to heavens we could.

Simple Savage. Poor creatures! Fancy
being dependent on parsimony, fad, and
thousand-to-one flukes for the satisfactory
slaughter of your enemies!

Scientific Sage. Oh, come, I say, none
of your confounded antehistoric cheek. It's
not so bad as all that.

Simple Savage. No ? I fancied I was
only repeating your own words. Your big
guns are imposing monsters, indeed, enough
to frighten a Great Medicine Man into con-
vulsions. But they are not beautiful, and
they are too heavy to make ear ornaments,
or nose pendants of, and if you can't load
them-

Scientific Sage. Stop! What are you
talking about ? Load them. Of course we
can load them.

Simple Savage. Yes—but, as you say,
they may then burst, and so, I presume, do
more damage to yourselves than to your
enemies.

Scientific Sage. Ah, you savages are so
confoundedly matter-of-fact. They don't
always burst.

Simple Savage. _ Well, that's something—
for arms of precision.

Scientific Sage. If it were not for the
Exchequer, the Admiralty, the Ordnance
Department, howling economists in the
House, and disappointed ex-officials out of
it, one-idea'd theorists, with handles to their
names, cock-and-bull designers, and cor-
rupt contractors, they'd never burst.

Simple Savage. Then why don't you get
rid of—all these people. Compel them to
fire off their own guns, for example, and
so make a clean sweep of them.

, Scientific Sage. Oh, confound it, you can't
kill everybody, don't you know.

Simple Savage. It seems to me that you
cannot make sure of killing anybody, except,
perhaps, your gunners. And that beinjr so,
I fail to see the use of your stultified
scientific skill, or your uncertain arms of
precision.

TO AN ANONYMOUS ONE.

One day last week, a spiteful letter signed
Qurs" was allowed to appear in the
Standard; and [in order that the person at
whom its sneers were directed should not
miss seeing it, this letter was cut out and
sent to him, privately, by that pest of
society, that skunk of skunks, the Anony-
mous Correspondent. The answer to the
interrogative " Qms ? " in these cases,
usually is "A Rejected Contributor." Be
this as it may, we can make a shrewd guess
as to his identity. It does not need a very
sharp nose to detect a skunk.

TESTAMENTARY !

Country Parson (who, vn, his poor old Parishioner's last illness, had charitably sent him a can of
Milk every day from the Vicarage). "Well, Mrs. Powley, and how have you been since
yoitk sad Loss-"

Widow. "Yes, Sir—poor Izaak !—he's a gone! But afore he went, Sir, he left
the Quart o' Milk to come to me daily, poor dear !"

Unusual Opportunity.

The following appears in the Daily News:—

RULING.—Required, a thoroughly-experienced FOREMAN for Ruling Department. Must
have a perfect knowledge of his business, be a good disciplinarian, very steady and systematic,
and able to keep the books of the department.—Apply, with full particulars as to previous experience.

Now who will apply? The G. 0. M., the Marquis of Salisbury, the Marquis of
Habtington, Lord Randolph Churchill, Mr. Chamberlain, or Mr. Parnell? "Very
steady and systematic, and able to keep the books of the department"—three most essential
qualifications. Who will have it ? Now don't all speak at once.

Resolution passed at a recent private Meeting :—That every follower of Mr. Chamberlain
should, in humble imitation of his leader, wear an Orchid in his button-hole. This new
opposition to the Primrose League will be known as " The Orchid Squad."