Punch (34.1858)

8 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [January 2, 1858.

WHY ENGLISHMEN ARE SO BELOVED UPON
THE CONTINENT.

Because they never foster the delusion that, by letting their mous-
tache grow, they may succeed in passing themselves off as natives of
the Continent, and never fly into a passion and a use of English
expletives, when their bad accent has betrayed their insular extraction.

Because, whatever quantities of luggage they may take with them,
they always are so careful to leave their pride at home.

Because, when honouring an hotel, they never act as though they
were the only people in it, and never get put out because the best
apartments happen to be full, or because they cannot have the dinner-
hour altered about every other day to suit their sole convenience

Because they are at all times so simple in their tastes, and so con-
siderate in making due allowance for any cause that may prevent their
being properly supplied; for instance, never ordering stewed eels or
pickled salmon at. Chamouni, or blowing up the hospitable monks of
Great St. Bernard for not having scolloped oysters and draught London
stout for supper.

Because they never bluster about " writing to ze Times," nor profess
themselves astounded at the ignorance of foreigners who seem quite
undismayed by the terrors of the threat.

Because they never strut about and slap their breeches' pocket, and
show by all the pantomime they anyhow can muster, that Englishmen
are all completely Crcesuses in wealth, and could buy up everything
and body that they meet with.

Because, when they are looking at the sea-fights in the Louvre, they
never make allusion to Collingwood or Nelson ; nor, in talking of
the battles fought on canvas by French artists, do they lug in the word
" Waterloo " more than twice per minute.

Because, if by some exceedingly improbable fortuity they happen to
be forced to fall out with a foreigner, they never have recourse to their
stock of British Billingsgate, nor tell him to " come on," and have his
" head punched " at la Boxe, nor imagine that the strength of their
national anathemas is appreciable by those even who do not comprehend
them.

Because when they are " doing" a cathedral during service, they
always are so careful not to interrupt those persons whom they find at
their devotions; and never stalk and stare about, as though the con-
gregation were a part of the exhibition.

Because they never give way to the weakness of praising the English
public buildings, monuments, or statues, when asked for their opinion
of those upon the Continent; nor when a French enthusiast shows
them the Louvre or the Place de la Concorde, do they (ascertaining
first that he has never been in London) exclaim, with a burst of
mingled pride and pity: "Ah ! but you should just see our Trafalgar
Square and National Gallery ! "

Because, when spending a few hours in waiting for a vise, they never
break out into wrathful imprecations on the Government, nor give in

stronger language their expression to the thought, that the purse of a
Great Briton is his only needful passport.

Because whatever grievance they may fancy they've sustained, they
never more than twenty times per diem swear Loud Palmekston
shall hear of it.

Because, should some slight mishap befal them in their journey,
supposing that they happen to be too late for a diligence, or if a single
one of their nine-and-twenty packages should ever somehow chance to
be somewhere left behind, they never rave about their grievance as
though it were intended as an insult to Great Britain, and demanded
the instant interference of the Government.

Because, if ever they forget their national exclusiveness so far as to
accept a dinner invitation, they always take such pains to make them-
selves agreeable; and do their utmost to dispel the foreigners' delusion
that the English can't get jolly without also getting drunk.

Because they always show such readiness in conforming to the
customs of the countries they are stopping in. For instance, if they
honour a French play with their presence, they by no chance ever take
a seat that has a handkerchief tied round it, and never carry on a con-
versation during the performance, because they are unable'themselves
to understand it.

In fine, Because they always show so sociable and cosmopolitan a
character: never forming into English knots at table d'hotes, nor
avoiding foreign contact, as though it were contagion: embracing
every chance of making themselves useful as well as ornamental:
taking things as they are, without finding futile fault because they are
not what they are not: being affable to those who would be affable to
them, without trying to find out if they are as well born or as rich:
never carrying abroad that propensity to grumble, for which English-
men are nationally notorious at home: and doing their best always to
dispel the so ill-grounded Continental prejudice, that John Bull is as
surly as a bull-dog dressed in broad cloth: the sun of whose good
humour never shines in England, even, much less on the Continent,—
where the clouds he carries annually are only brightened by the gold
and silver lining that comes with them.

COMFORT IN WALKING.

To Mr. Punch.

" Sib,

" Permit me to offer your readers a hint, which may have the
effect of saving them from some annoyance. The other day I executed
a resolution formed many months ago, and subsequently often renewed
and as often forgotten, of providing myself with new clothes. I got
the goods at an outfitter's—my person "being one that does not require
to be measur ed for apparel, since it has no shape but what anxiety
about appearance would induce a man to conceal, so that, practically,
any suit will fit me if it is only a little too large. Wanting the things
in a hurry, I had them packed up in a brown-paper parcel, which I
walked off with under my arm. Some purchases which I had to make
in Regent Street and the neighbourhood obliged me to carry my
bundle about that part of the town. The burden, certainly, was rather
troublesome, but the inconvenience of it was much more than counter-
balanced by the relief which it afforded me from a very great
annoyance. I found it, so to speak, a shield or buckler, which defended
me from irritating importunities. So long as I carried it, I was
entirely unmolested by the solicitations of beggars, street-sweepers,
blacking-brigade boys, handbill-distributors, and hawkers of the
Morning Star; tormentors who usually, during my rambles, disturb
my meditations, and thereby irritate me to a degree mrbecorning the
temper of anybody who is the least bit of

» "A Philosopher."

"P.S. A shocking bad hat and a seedy overcoat (alone) have often
failed to answer the purpose."

HUMANITY IN A WIFE.

One really pities the poor carver of a favourite dish. Not only has
he all the trouble, but he is obliged to send all the best bits to his
friends. What an angel of a wife has our acquaintance, Smith ! He
helps her, of course, as is a lady's due, namely, to the very choicest
morsels ; and, when all the other people at table are served (not before),
that great-minded and generous woman has the pluck to say, with a
well-feigned impatience: " Dear, dear, Mr. Smith, you have sent me
woodcock (or ortolan, or phoenix, or whatever it is) when you know I
never touch it—a husband never condescends to remember his wife's
tastes." To which Smith has the meekness to reply: " Well, well, my
love, I beg your pardon; I really quite forgot. Send it round to me,
dear; send it round to me." And he gets the best help of them all.
We have seen this feat at Smith's twenty times. Let us hope that he
remembers his confederate when it is the time to make presents.