Punch (34.1858)

120

PUNCH, OH THE LONDON CHARIVARI

[March 20, 1858.

DIGNITY AND IMPUDENCE.

ROMANCE OF A ROOMY 'BUS.

" There, why don't yer get out and ride ? "
A smart and lively Cabman cried
To us—there were but two of us,
Inside a stopping omnihus.

This omnibus, some minutes good,
Still at the Knightsbridge stand had stood;
The Cabman marked the long delay,
Which caused him what he said to*say.

" Bank! " the Conductor cried, " Bank! Bank!:
"W hilst laughter shook the Cabman's rank;
" Bank!—why the Bank might shut up shop,
Thought I, my friend, whilst thus you stop."

The vehicle was a " Saloon;"
" I shall not end my journey soon,"
I said in mv impatient breast:
Again the Cabman urged his jest.

An old red 'bus had passed the new,
Wherein there sat alone we two.
The Cabman's joke, whilst we remained
Still, still by repetition gained.

At length, afraid that we should stay
There the remainder of the day,
I sacrificed the fare I owed,
Took his advice—got out and rode.

Move on, you 'busses called Saloon,
And you will prove a public boon;
But if you loiter, you'll be done :
Keep running, if you mean to run.

A Bitter Bad Fruit.

A Patriotic Irishman, expatiating eloquently upon the
Lodge disturbances that are so repeatedly taking place in
his country, exclaimed wildly : " By Jove, Sir, you may call
the Orange the Apple of Discord of Ireland."

THE ANTI-PEREGRINATION SOCIETY.

This association, consisting principally of persons of rank and
wealth, has been established, for the purpose of preventing, as far as
it can, all travelling on the Continent which is not rendered absolutely
necessary by the exigencies of business.

The formation of this society has been occasioned by the recently
increased severity of the passport system, which has now become
absolutely insufferable, and which, in the opinion of many of those
persons who chiefly have been accustomed to travel abroad in pursuit
of health or pleasure, ought to be no longer endured. Each member
has entered into a solemn engagement never to set foot on the
Continent, except in case of necessity, until the passport nuisance is
abolished.

As a substitute for continental travel, the Society proposes recourse
to home excursions, and tours throughout the most interesting districts
of the United Kingdom. To facilitate these, its endeavours will be
practically directed.

The Anti-Peregrination Society, with this object in view, is desirous
to impress on the minds of hotel-landlords, livery stable-keepers, and
others who get their living by travellers, the expediency of being
moderate in their charges, and of not preying upon those on whom
they live. Suggestions for increasing the accommodation and dimin-
ishing the cost of board and residence at inns will be furnished by the
society to all hosts desirous of profiting by them.

The establishment of good ordinaries, on the plan of the foreign
tables d'hote, is strongly recommended to British innkeepers; and
they are earnestly advised not to thrust wax candles on people who
do not ask for them. They are likewise recommended to pay them-
selves, or to make stipulated charges in their bills for waiters, chamber-
maid, and boots.

The too common practice at many fashionable hotels, of stationing
the chambermaid at the door of a room into which gentlemen are shown
to wash their hands before dinner, in order that she may levy on them
a toll of sixpence each, as they come out, is strongly deprecated by the
Anti-Peregrination Society. Mineral springs being among the princi-
pal attractions which have hitherto drawn Englishmen abroad, the
Anti-Peregrination Society has secured the services of several eminent
chemists who will, by employing the resources of science, render any

of our existing British medicinal watering places and spas equal in
every respect to those situated in Germany or anywhere else ; whilst
the aid of a vigilant police will be invoked so as to render ail those
places comparatively free from rascals and blackguards.

The endeavours also of the Society will be especially directed to the
realization of combined cheapness, comfort, and security on British
Railways.

The Society would strongly impress on publicans and brewers the
extreme importance of making the most strenuous efforts to produce
and supply for the refreshment of thirsty travellers, the very best of
beer.

The adoption of the principles and suggestions of the Amti-Peregri-
nation Society will enable British rank and wealth to purchase health
and enjoyment to the emolument of British trade and industry, and
will cause her Majesty's honest subjects to profit by that expenditure
which has hitherto been wasted upon fraudulent foreigners.

A DIVISION WITH A DIFFERENCE.

In England, our parliamentary divisions are decided by "Ayes"
and " Noes."

In America, the divisions are illustrated in a much more striking
manner. The belligerent parties are divided into " Black Eyes" and
" Bleeding Noses." The Clerk of the House calls out "Black Eyes
to the Right,—Bleeding Noses to the left," and then the Tellers (two
Kentucky Fisticuffers) proceed to count them.

The Great Kilkenny-Kat-Kansas Question was decided by a majority
of only " 1 Bleeding Nose." It was left in the hands of the President,
and he gave the casting blow dead against the "Eyes." It has been
the closest division known for years.

Street-Doric Wit.

Some one (no matter who) was suggesting that the Duke op Bedford
might select as the motto of the New Covent Garden Opera House the
Horatian bit of Latin li Monumentum Peregi," when some one else (his
name is not of the slightest consequence) quickly remonstrated: "No,
no, not ' Peregi,' but ' Per F. Gye.' "