Punch (62.1872)

April 20, 1872 ;

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

165

EVENINGS FROM HOME.

mends sandeord

and Mertost and
Mr. Barlow at
Torcombe.

On the second
evening follow-
ing their arrival
at The Abbey
Boarding House
they were intro-
duced into a

company which
that part of the
country afforded;
amongst whom
there were seve-
ral young gentle-
men and ladies
of different ages,
who were, as
they were after-
wards informed,
on their way to
their various
scholastic esta-
blishments at
Bath, Bristol,
Clifton, or other
equally famous
localities.
Mr. Barlow,

than whom no one was better acquainted with what was strictly
due to his own position and that of his young friends in the
company by which they now found themselves surrounded, was,
on this occasion, attired in an elegantly cut tail-coat made of a blue
cloth and ornamented with such bright brass buttons as would have
suggested to any one of an astronomical bent the idea of examining
the revered tutor of Masters Tommy and Harry through no other
medium than that of a telescope.

As soon as Master Tommy Merton entered (whose father was
now universally well known to be a very rich man), every tongue was
let loose in his praise. His eyes, his hair, his teeth, his every feature
was the admiration of all the ladies. Thrice did he make the circle
in order to receive the congratulations of the company on his per-
sonal appearance, and to be introduced to the young ladies staying
at the " Abbey Boarding House."

As for Harry, he bad the good fortune to be taken notice of by
nobody except an old gentleman, who received him, in a corner, with
great cordiality, and presently proceeded to inquire what amount of
pocket-money might then be in his possession, and whether he had
ever acquired the knowledge of whist and other games. To which
questions Harry replied with so modest a bearing and such un-
affected simplicity as at once endeared him to his venerable com-
panion, who now promised to impart to him, after dinner, what
science at cards he himself possessed.

Mr. Barlow had, in the meantime, seated himself next to a
stout matronly lady, whose short fat fingers were bedecked with
rings of apparently enormous value, while her short neck was almost
concealed from view by such a quantity of gold chains and strings
of pearls as would have crushed a less delicate frame. Her plump
round arms were clasped by bracelets, and the miniature of a gentle-
man's head and shoulders, about the size of a frontispiece to a piece of
music, glittered upon her bosom. This lady inquired of Mr. Barlow
if that (pointing with her fan to Harry), was the little ploughboy
whom his teaching had so vastly improved.

Mr. Barlow answered her that she was indeed right.

" I protest," said the lady, " I should 'ave thought so, not
judgin' so much from what f've 'eard, but from his plebeing
haspeck and vulgar hair."

" Indeed," exclaimed another lady on Mr. Barlow's right hand,
"you must be a vastly wonderful instructor to have effected so
great marvels with such unpromising materials."

Mr. Barlow acknowledged these courtesies with a profound bow
towards both ladies, who thereupon raised their fans, and, for a
moment, were compelled to blush beneath the eloquent gaze of the
young lads' tutor.

"My daughter Matilda," said the first lady, "is about Master
Merton's age, and 'as received a hexcellent heducation." " And

my Sophonisba, too," replied her friend, "plays divinely on the
piano, and talks French, and draws to perfection."

Mr. Barlow now informed the two ladies that what they had
heard of Master Merton's wealth, and of his own influence with
his pupil's parents, was strictly in accordance with fact. He added,
with a fervent sigh, that, alas ! for himself he was a widower ; but
that nothing would be so consonant with his own feelings as to be
united to some worthy and tender companion, who had been left by
providence with a daughter, who would thus afford for Master
Merton that soothing and refining influence which was the only
thing wanting to perfect his character, and which, alas! in his
own house, he had been hitherto unable to give him.

While this conversation was going on in one part of the room, a
young lady, observing that nobody except the old gentleman, who
_ was now talking to somebody else, had taken the slightest notice of
crowded draw- 1 Harry, advanced towards him, and addressing him with the
ing-room full of i utmost affability, inquired after the state of his health, the condition
the most elegant! °f his appetite, and his opinion of affairs in general. Harry, who
was unaccustomed to female society, did not at first know what the
young lady meant by terming him "little Cockalorum," and was at
a loss how to reply to her inquiries as to whether he was " slow " or
" fast," and if he " smoked " and played billiards and blind hookey.
But as this young lady possessed an uncommon degree of natural
benevolence of character, and as Master Harry had been endued
by Nature with that innate politeness, and readiness of wit, without
which all artificial acquirements are more offensive than agreeable,
he soon felt himself quite at his ease, and made so many smart
replies in the course of conversation, that Miss Smtjdgklns (for that
was the young lady's name) protested she should either be obliged
to box his ears, or should be compelled to complain to her uncle,
who, she gave him to understand was no other than the old gentle-
man who had so kindly noticed him on his arrival.

Miss Smtjdgrtns was reported to be of Italian descent, and had
been for years under the care of her estimable uncle, the Reverend
Zenothelus Potts. This gentleman had such peculiar notions of
female character, that he considered no lady properly educated who
had not been brought up in his own fashion.

He made his niece always rise in the dark, without fire or candle-
light, at all seasons of the year, and took care that she should
invariably walk five miles and then swim eight before breakfast.
He called her Stjkey, though her name was Isabella ; and he had
himself taught her the mouth-organ, and a few tunes on the
comb and paper, on both of which instruments she was no mean
proficient.

She knew enough French to reply with confidence " Wee tray
bang," or to ask with simplicity, " Polly voo frarngsy," "for,"
said this excellent uncle, "I do not intend her to marry a French
barber, or valet, or dancing-master, and if she can only make toffy,
a batter pudding, and darn my old buttons, that's enough for me-
or any other Englishman."

Such had been the education of Miss Smtjdgkin's, who was the
only one of all the fine company, with the exception of her worthy
uncle, that thought Harry deserving the least attention.

But now the company was summoned to the important business
of dinner " which," Miss Smtjdgexjts explained to Harry, " is a sort
of tabbley doat, where we all mess together ; so you hook on to me,
and we'll sit together."

Harry could not help sighing when he reflected on what he should
probably have to undergo. However, he determined to bear it with
all imaginable fortitude, especially as he saw his friend Tommy
gallantly escorting a beautiful fair-haired girl considerably taller
than himself, and his beloved tutor, Mr. Barlow, almost concealed
behind the expansive flounces of the stout elderly lady to whom he
had already been paying considerable attention.

The gong now sounded, and they proceeded to cross the hall to
enter the spacious dining-room.

AN ILL-READ PARABLE.
This is from a Manchester paper :—

ATKADESMAN, who lias over-stocked, asks twenty Ladies to help
him, by buying each £5 of DRAPERY, and so act the good Samaritan.
Samples on application. Address, &c.

A cool and ingenious tradesman this (and certainly not " over-
stocked " with basbiulness), but there may be a word to say in some-
body else's interests. His notions of good Samaritanism are rather
one-sided. Ladies usually spend money earned by other persons.
Now the good Samaritan's oil and wine and twopence were his own.
At least we are not aware that he took them from anybody else at
Jerusalem or Jericho. To the latter district we should therefore be
inclined, were we a Manchester husband or father, to request the
advertiser to go.