Punch (90.1886)

January 30, 1886.] PUNCH, OK THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 53

NOTES FROM THE DIARY OF A CITY WAITER.

kue, as our great Na-
shional Poet hob-
serves, " Whene'er I
takes my warlcs
abroad what funny
things I sees'!"

No. 1. —I; seed a
hole row of aneriently
sane people, includin
one woman and a
pore i [diluted little
boy, a standing :at
the Pieretiok Slime
Shop in Obun, drink-
ing , their glasses all
round, same as at a
respectabel Pub, ex-
cep that they all
looked wily sollem
insted of awful jolly.
I at wunee confesses
to having a certain
amount of curiossity
in my manly natur,
most enquiring minds
must have, but I
never had the small-
est wish to wark into
that sillybrated
drinking Bar and call
for a glass of their
famous mixture, hav-
ing the bad taste to
prefer a nice glass of
hot Rum and water.
No. 2.—I seed a red flag a fluttring in the Brees at a Warehus
door in the Citty. On enkwyring of a mostTrespecktabel porter who
was a standing there, what it meant, he said it meant danger, as I
shood see if I looked up. I looked up accordingly, and seed a huge
mass of goodsa swinging playfully in the hair, hanging aperiently
S iii S™f ]est nover my pore ed like sumboddy's sword in
the label. Need I say as I took to my eels like a race horse, thank-
ing my lucky stars that my lordable curiosity had not corst me my
walabel life.

No. 3.—Te a Choefi !—Well, I have in the course of my long life
seen many instances of bad spellin. Even I myself, I'm told, to
my grate surprise, am sumtimes gilty of slite errors in that direc-
tion, but never, no never have I seed sitch a spessimen as I seed, in
Chancery Lane too, of all plaices in the world, ony last week. It was
at a Corffee Shop, and in the winder was printed in wery large
letters, " Te a Choiti ! " meaning Tea and Corfee ! Was ever sitch
hignorance seen, and in sitch a Learned Lane ? Ah! it's the old story,
the nearer to Chancery the further from good spellin. This reminds
me of a funny.thing as occurd last summer, witch I shall call—

No. 4.—A gent;came into our Corfee Room, and said to me some-
thmk as sounded like " Polly [vu Francis ? " Of course, I was
emused at his calling me Feancis, but feeling sure as he was a
frenchman I ansered at wunee "no Mounseer." So he took a pencil
and peace of paper and wrote down " The " and showed it to me, so
of course I said "no understandy." Fortunately there was a cup
and saucer on the table, so he took it up and pretended to drink out
of it, then of course I knowed exakly what he wanted, and gave him
a werry nice cup of tea, and then he nodded his head, and so I gave
him another cup, and then he gave me a shilling, and then went
away and wouldn't take his fourpence change! leaving me quite
unabel to decide witch to wander at most, his gross hignorance in
°r ^s ex^renle ginerosity. My experience leads me to think
that hignorance is one of the fruteful mothers of ginerosity.

No. 5.—I was a warking qwietly home the other nite, and as I past
round one of the nice Squares near the Fondling, I had a good long
look up at the stars, and I was jest a thinking of all the wunderfool
amoosm storys as I had once herd a reverend Been tell us at a Lecter
li + ri!e|rlm Collidge, such as that it wood take a dubble Flying
Skoten Lxpress Trane about twelve million years to get to one of the
werry Merest on 'em—and how sollem he looked all the wile as if he
reely expected us to bleeve it—wen a lady run up to me out of a house
as 1 was a passing, and she says, says she, " Pleese, Sur, will you be
so kind as to eum and kill a Beadle ? " I natrally started with horrer,
wen she hadded, " It's ony a black 'un, it's on the stares, and neither
me nor my Sister can go past it." So I went in and did the deed, and
they thankt me and guv me a shilling, and a glass of werry good sherry
jest to set me up again after performing the fearful crush. I may be
allowed to express a hope that he is not the last of his race in that
partickler manshun of female dellicassy, Robeet,

BY AN ENTHUSIAST.

" Mrs. Arthur Arnold has issued a counterblast to tobacco, cramming
her canister with a surfeit of charges before firing it at the pernicious weed."—
St. James's Gazette.

Not for all a woman's sneers
v»At the joys she does not know,
Will I yield thee, friend of years,

And Nicotian charms forego.
Best of many boons to man,
Mister Punch for thee will
plead;

Hail to Raleigh ! who began—
With the Weed.

Brave Tobacco, since we knew

All the j oys that thou canst give,
We have wondered, men who
blew

Ne'er a cloud to heaven, could
live.

Plaything in an idle hour,

Comfort in our sorest need,
Let us rather call thee flower,
Not a Weed.

Happy nights I've spent with
thee,

0 my venerable pipe,
Born like Venus in the sea, _

Walnut-tinted, old and ripe.
Cares evanish with the smoke, _
By eachj pensive breathing

Wine works wonders, we are told.
Fills a man with power and
pride,

Rolls a flood of liquid gold,
Or a purple-tinted tide.

Yet it brings the hasty word,
And the inconsiderate deed!;

Ne'er are evil passions stirred
By the Weed.

Thou canst add a charm to books,
Speed the hours on swifter
wings,

Kinder seem a friend's kind looks
Through Tobacco's airy rings.

Summer days are fairer far,
Winter's gloom we never heed,

Soothed by pipe or by cigar,
With the Weed.

Woman wot we well hath charms,
But she too can use us ill;

She may blush within our arms.
But her glance hath power to
kill.

Thou art ever-faithful found.
Fairest flower that springs from
seed,

freed.; Mightiest herb that grows on

Adding zest to kindly joke, ground,

Fragrant Weed. Blessed Weed!

"PARS"PARYA.

" OA stmt les neiges d'antan?" asked Villon. Where are the
snows of yester-week ? we may ask of Bumble. Still weighting our
ways and cumbering our street-corners, is the answer. A fat woman
in front of an avalanche were not more stupidly helpless than BtaiBLE
in face of a four-inch fall of snow. Only the avalanche would sweep
the adipose Mrs. Partington away, whereas Bumble's motto is fy
suis, fy reste. #»#

Those all too familiar Augurs, who could not look at each other
without laughing, have been trotted out again lately ad nauseam. If
they oould meet now, they would not be. able to look at each other
without weeping—at the thought of the public nuisance they have
become. Surely now they should be spelt augers, for they are great
bores. _

THE RECENT ATTITUDE
OF GREASE.

No. 1, ADELPHI TERRISS.

Mb. Teeeiss wrote to the Daily News
last Thursday about " First-Nighters."
He said, "I should like to prut on record
my entire dissent from the abuse which
has been heaped on 'First-Nighters.' "
Also "It is all very to claim the in-
dulgence due _ to ' Ladies and Gentle-
men,' but Artists should remember that
they are Actors and Actresses when
they are on the boards"—{''Hear!
hear!" from Us)—"and if they wish
to be treated as Ladies and Gentlemen
only, they had better remain in that
privacy with which the Public will not
interfere, and where they will be free
alike from public applause or public
censure." How many of your profes-
sion share your opinions ? "And now we
have got a fine chance for our one/ew de
mot on your name, which is that we find
a JRara Avis in Terriss.

A Bad Turn Out.—The "Service"
Papers are very properly crying out
against the injustice of employing soldiers
to assist at evictions. Captains of the
Regular Army should not be; forced to
serve shoulder to shoulder with Sheriff s
Officers.