Punch: Punch (32.1857)

February 7, 1S57.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

57

MRS. DURDEE'S APPEAL TO PARLIAMENT.

So Parliament's about to lay their heads together for improvements.
(Ah, if I was about their House I'd quicken their slow dawdling

movements,)

They 're fonder far of talk than work, just like a pack of idle hussies,
What I wish is that they'd reform them good-for-nothing omnibuses.

They've room in Parliament to sit with comfort to themselves and
others;

I wish they'd think about our seats, considering their poor old mothers.
Get out with all your education; don't tell me about your learnin',
Unless you give me what I want, and find a body space to turn in.

Pirst as concernin' of the doors, they 're all of them a deal too narrow,
To shoot one's self through holes like them, a person ought to be an
arrow,

One's figure should be hke a hoop between the sides of 'em to trundle;
And there's an umbereller too, besides a band-box and a bundle.

You bump on this and 'tother side ; against the passengers you blunder,
Which causes 'em to grant and growl, and makes 'em look as black as
thunder:

And then you sits down where you can by means of pushin' and of
squeezhf,

With some one's elbow in your ribs which keeps a worritin' and teazin'.

With knees to knees and feet to feet of people facin' opposite you,
You sits in misery and pain, the whilst they looks as if they'd bite you;
There's always somebody inside that pisons you with gin and onions,
And sure as any one comes in, he tramples on your corns and bunions.

Then boots too hitches in your gownd, and what's the use of axhi'
pardon,

When, for the mischief they have done, there's none of them as cares
a farden ?

They breaks your band-boxes all in, your bonnet that's inside they
batters,

And 'tis destruction for your clothes, reduced to rags and dirt and
tatters.

Then, when you've reached your journey's end, and squeezed as fiat as
a baked apple,

'Stead of St. Paul's Churchyard you find they've took you on unto
Whitechapel.

They tells you you should look alive, whereas you look half dead more
often,

And what can you expect, confined, as I may say, within a coffin ?

I've got no patience with the way in which them there conductors
serve us,

And all that scramblin' on the roof must make a timid creature
nervous ;

I often wish I was a man for to give vent in oaths and cusses,
Which is the sentiments 1 feels when travellin' in omnitmses.

I do hope Parliament will take the case into consideration,
And put the omnibuses right—at least do something for the nation.
But I'm afeard they '11 waste their time on foreign fiddlestick discus-
sions,

Which never comes to any good ; and what I say is, Drat they Russians.

A SEALED BOOK EOR SLAVES.

Stringent measures are in contemplation for the purpose of
keeping the black portion of the public in Tennessee in subjection to
the white. Among others it is proposed that the negroes shall no
longer be permitted to attend their own meeting-houses, but if they
go to any places of worship at all, shall be limited to the ordinary
churches. One additional precaution should be taken in order to
obviate any undesirable influence which may be exerted upon the
slaves by rebgious services. In the various churches and chapels of
Tennessee, the ministers should be strictly prohibited from reacting a
certain portion of the book of Exodus. The slaves of Tennessee will
not be edified, to the satisfaction of their masters, by hearing the
account, narrated in that history, of the debverance of other slaves
from Egyptian bondage.

Keys for Queer Characters.

Many simple-minded persons may wonder why the officers of the
2nd Life Guards should think it necessary to be provided with golden
latch-keys. A golden key will often procure the admission of a scamp
into a decent house, but we do not imagine that anybody at present
holding a commission in that gallant corps can want such a key for such

•a reason.

■

A NEW LITERARY EUND.

Mr. Punch was pleased to read, in one of last week's papers, that
a Scottish Literary Eund, for the rebef of distressed authors, is in
course of formation. All honour to the promoters, and all success to
the undertaking.

As it is in its infancy, and youth is Hable to err, Mr. Punch can
conceive the possibility of this Literary Eund falling into a few errors
and therefore he has thrown together some hints, which, if considered
before the rules and regulations of the New Eund be finally settled,
may render them more suited to their purpose, and the character of
the proposed charity, than they might be if modelled upon other
principles.

_ When a gentleman, who has pursued the most honourable of avoca-
tions, is compelled to apply for assistance, do not make it necessary
for him to brmg a number of witnesses to testify that he is not a bar.

Have some men on your board who are acquainted with the literary
world, or who, if unacquainted with the apphcant, can quietly ascertain
who and what he is. Sparc poverty the additional humfliation of
going round to its acquaintances to glean testimonials.

You will, of course, feel it your duty to mquire minutely into the
antecedents of every apphcant, but if you should discover that twenty
years earlier somebody gave him twenty pounds, let your official be
authorised to rebeve his immediate wants, while he is endeavouring
to satisfy your natural desire to know what became of aU that money.

As a rule, if he alleges that he is starving, assist him within a month
or so from his apphcation.

Of course, if you have any idea that anybody else has an intention of
assisting him, save your own money. But be tolerably sure that such
a thing has been at least talked about.

If he be recommended to you by other gentlemen of character,
you may as well accept their testimony, and not insult them by prose-
cuting inquiries to ascertain whether they have told the truth.

Do not impose upon the poor man the expensive task of sending
you copies of all the works he has ever pubhshed, but let his appbea-
tion be referred to somebody who is acquainted with hterature, or can
find out a book by the aid of the catalogue in your University library.

If these, and some other suggestions which occur to Mr. Punch, and
which he wib take another opportunity of offering, be regarded in the
spirit in which they are made, Scotland will have reason to be satisfied
with her Literary Fund.

EEEECT OF CRINOLINE ON PARTIES.

Crinoline is beginning to tell in an unexpected manner on Evening
Parties. Ladies in the present season complain that they do not
receive so many invitations as heretofore. The reason is this. Rooms
that would comfortably accommodate fifty matrons and spinsters, will
not now, without a heavy crush, contain above fifteen. Hence, doubt-
less with a view to a renewal of the old hospitabties, we have seen the
subjoined Card:—

DTie 3Com-. JI/Im. TfaiuflcDij.
Jit jToRte

Without Crinoline.

TRANQUILLITY ON WASHING DAY.

An American invention for washing bnen and other clothes has been
for some time in highly successful operation. The American Patent
Washing Machine has certain peculiar advantages which ladies who
wash at home wQl not fad to appreciate. One of the principal of these
is that it consumes no gin, beer, and tea; requires no meals, and does
not walk off with any broken victuals. Moreover, it _ neither gossips
nor scolds, and it contrives to wash without involving itself in hot
water with the servants ; in all which respects it has immense advan-
tages over the ordinary laundress.

Showing the Income-Tax the Door.

We should not at ad wonder if the Income-Tax, like a weU-bred
dog, seeing the impending certainty of being kicked out, saves the House
the trouble by quietly taking itself off.

How to Cut out a Muslin Dress (Sometimes).—Wear a Velvet
one.