Punch (32.1857)

June 13. 1857.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

233

PUNCH'S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.

June ith, Thursday. Holidays over, and the schoolmaster come
back from abroad. He—need Punch name Brougham ?—was in
capital health and spirits, and at once opened fire upon the Divorce
Bill, to which he has divers objections, chiefly founded upon its not
being sufficiently favourable to the wife. Lord Westmeath (an odd
person for the work) introduced a Bill for regulating the bathing at
watering-places, and rendering it more decorous. Petitions against
the Bill arc, we understand, in course of signature by the class of
vulgarians and vulgariennes, who at such places as Margate and
Jtamsgate, turn a healthy and delightful duty into what they term a
Lark.

There was a great deal of talk in the Commons, chiefly directed
to the solution of the question whether the Board of Trade was of any
use. There can be no doubt that it is of great use. and that mere
commercial men are not, with all their spirit and cleverness,_ quite fit
to be entrusted with the exclusive control of our national interests.
The Master has spoken.

Friday. Lord Cowley, as Punch warned the world would be the
case, has been made an earl, and took his seat "as such." Why,
nobody knows, not even Mr Dod, who moreover appends to the
recital of Cowley's travels a cruel bit of satire, the more mordant
because entirely unintended. " The first Lord Cowley was a dis-
tinguished diplomatist." This will prevent anybody from falling into
the sort of error commemorated by Mr. Tom Moore—

" And (such a mistake as no mortal hit ever on,)
Fancied the present Earl ' Cowley ' the clever ov±a "

In the course of conversation on Meichauf Shipping, several noble-
men who have estates on our coast, and therefore get little bits of luck

j in the way of wrecks, complained of being obbged to show that they
have a right to such windfalls—or waterfalls—which obligation they
deem a great hardship. Noblemen have improved since the days
when they hung out false lights to bring vessels on the rocks; and
neither Lord Grey, nor Lord Derby, nor any other of the com-
plainants would even smoke a cigar on the beach if he thought a
merchant-captain could mistake the light for that at the North Fore-
land or Dungenness; but Mr. Punch thinks that they might go a

: step further, and leave this kind of sea gleaning to the fishermen. The

: Wills Bill was passed, Lord Cranworth screwing up his courage to
say that it was impossible to declare the proctors entitled to compensa-
tion. Ben Jonson (a dramatist of merit), had his estimate of the
animal called Proctor, and it may be inferred from a passage in
Bartholomew Fair, in which a clergyman says, "Every line that a
proctor writes is along black hair combed out of the tail of Antichrist."

Cowley in the Lords, Cows in the Commons. Sir B. Hall
explained that the vaccine mothers in Hyde Park had a right to be
there, and paid for their lodging, all but five, who are the private and
privileged cows of the superintendent. One wonders that Wiscount
Williams did not move for a return of the names of the cows, their
colours and ages, how much milk they respectively gave, how much
cream came from it, what counties they came from, what sort of horns
they have, whether any of them are old cows, and if so, what tune they
are likely to die of, distinguishing between those which stand still to
be milked, those that flap their tails into the milker's eye, and those
that kick the pail over ; also whether insured in the Farmer's Assurance
Company, and for how much, and what number of calves they have
had, and whether any calf ever stood for Lambeth. The expense of
obtaining and printing the return would not have been more than £20
or £30, and what is that (out of other people's money) when a patriot
wants a clap-trap ?

Complaints were made that election petitions often contained false-
hoods, and that there was no convenient way of punishing the slan-
derers. Lord Palmerston thought that it did not much matter.
After some verbal amends had been made to Mr. Stonor, a gentleman
who was rather severely treated by a former Government in conse-
quence of an election indiscretion, the Sound Dues question came on.
These tolls are extinguished by the Danes, in consideration of certain
moneys from divers nations, England's share being something over a
million. Denmark is to keep the Sound Lamps lighted and trimmed,
and generally to aid navigation and reduce transit dues. The arrange-
ment is a sensible one, and as Sir George Lewis happens to have the
money in his desk, it is no case of new tax. The Wiscount, of
course, with the large-minded political economy of a retail patriot,
could not see why anybody should pay for these imposts except the
merchants trading to Denmark, but the House had clearer perceptions

j of the interests of the country.

On the Army Estimates there was a long debate about Aldershott,
a place which is a pet of Pam's, and which he defended with spirit,
but which " bores" the officers, who hate living in camp (though they
have a club-house), and miss the billiard-rooms, flirtations with pretty
confectioneresses and milliners, and other delights of a town. So
they agree to represent Aldershott as of no use, and, inasmuch as there

j are a great- many blunders and short-comings to be detected there, the

enemies of the camp m:fl<:e out a sort of case. Equally, however, is it
certain that the bored officers can learn at Aldershott what the Duke
said that not twenty men in the Army knew, namely, how to move
masses of troops; and this is worth learning, even though billiard-
markers are idle, and tart-vending Ariadne mourns her epauletted
Theseus.

DRAMATIC ART-TEE AS UR ES.

On May 23rd, was sold, off at Mr. Leigh Sotheby's the following
curiosity: —

" 89S**Heel of the Shoe kicked off by Mhh. Siddons in throwing back her velvet
train whilst performing the part of Constance, in King John, in 1795, and
picked up from the stage by J. Whitfield."

We suppose that some literary enthusiast bought the above specimen
of the heeling art, the better to enable him to trace the footsteps of
the Drama? Who knows, the same fortunate purchaser may already
have in his possession the sock of Thespis, and the buskin of Roscius,
together with a highlow of Hicks ? We know that a lover will often
preserve an odd glove of the beautiful object he adores, but to treasure
up the hind part of a shoe is going quite to the opposite extreme. We
imagine that it is valued as a striking proof of the passion with which
Mrs. Siddons laid bare her sole when acting ? If the lucky owner
will only send the valuable treasure to Manchester, we will promise to
back it up with the following contributions :—

754. A hair of the same dog that was supposed to have bitten R. W. Elliston the
evening before, when he "blessed you, j my people," in the character of
George IV.

S69. The point of the dagger, with which Cartlich helped to murder the Queen's

English for so many years at Astley's.
8S5. The identical slip of the pen, with which the Morning Herald critic wiote the

notice of the Traviata before its performance at the Royal Italian Opera.
907. The pruning-knife, with numerous cuttings, showing the judicious use of it,

that was lately in the possession of the manager of Richardson's Theatre.
1000. A nail of the shoe of Ella's horse, whicli has cleared 10,000 hurdles and all

the expences of the Establishment at I >rury Lane.

Let every lover of the Theatrical art contribute in the same liberal
spirit, and Manchester will soon be able to boast of a collection of
Dramatic Art-Treasures unsurpassed in the whole world.

A Place of Retreat.—A timid capitalist has taken the Exeter
Change Arcade for himself, children, and valuables, on the 13th of June,
as he is positive that the Comet will never think of visiting so
deserted a locality on that day.

Vol. 32.

8—2