DOI Heft:
April 11, 1857
DOI Seite / Zitierlink: https://doi.org/10.11588/diglit.16619#0150
142
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[April 11, 1857,
Mr. Punch {mysteriously). "Now what would you like ? Sat a Title-
sat the Order of the Thistle/"
MARY ANN'S NOTIONS.
" My dear Mr. Punch,
" Poor dear Papa has been beaten, and I need hardly say
that 'election' is a tabooed word in our house. Dear old thing, he
had set his mind upon coming in, but I suppose the bribery money he
advanced was not enough, or it was stolen by the attorneys, or
bankers, or somebody. It is very ridiculous that, if votes are to be
bought, there is not some office or place where the money could be
paid in and a candidate be sure it gets to the right hands. However,
the thing is done, and Papa has returned to town as savage as possible,
and though Mamma and me do our best not to annoy him by the least
reference to the subject, Augustus is not so considerate, and is
always talking about this man being floored, and that man having
a squeak for it (a rat, I suppose), and the other man pulling up like
one o'clock; and Papa winces ; and, what is worse, I should not
wonder if we had to economise at Hastings, or some such horrible
place, this year,1 instead of going to Vienna. And now I have told
you all, I remember that I never told you that Papa was going to offer
himself, but you know that he was always Parliamentary in his mind,
and the other night he was hurried off by the night train, and in the
morning his Address came up to us—such nonsense, but just like the
others in the newspapers—pledging himself to do a lot of things
without committing himself to a lot of other things. I wish he had
kept his money, and taken us to Vienna—as—no, I won't tell you who
said, because you made fun one week2—but, as Somebody said, the
Prater there is a much pieasanter neighbourhood than that of the
praters at Westminster.3
" Well, your .precious General Election is over, and now what
next? What is the good of all the hubbub, and extravagance,
and bribery, and canting, and rioting, and drinking beer ? Will
there be any new laws made with any sense in them, or will the
new Parliament go on talking rubbish and quarrelling factiously in
the way you. expose every week—and I only wish, by the way, that
you wotdd let me write that Essence of Parliament,4 which you do
not make half severe enough, and,—but the fact is that you are afraid
to call persons by their right names, and, if yon think a Member is a
fool or a knave, why don't you tell him so'?5 Men are dreadful
cowards, and I always said it.
" I suppose that among the ridiculous laws that will be made, some-
body will pass a Bill for putting down witches and fortune-tellers. I
see a good deal about it m the papers, and the subject is being 'venti-
lated,' as Papa says, before it is taken up. What has set your wise-
acres upon the matter,_is a trial I read, where a wizard got twenty-two
poaads for unbewitching a farmhouse; and because this was a cheat,
the police will proclaim war against every poor old creature that tells
fortunes. Of course, if a woman offers to intercede, there will be a
chorus of indignation, and intellectual young men will sniff out their
contempt, declaring that by Jove they believe that the idiots (us) put
faith in a duty old wretch with a dirty pack of cards. I should like to
know which is the simplest, us, or gentlemen who believe in secret
information about horse-racing that they write for to thieves who
advertise 'tips.' Are these people so clever, and do they give such
correct information in return for money ? Why the old women that
tell you that you will marry a fair man, and have children, and go a
journey, and receive a letter, and be deceived in a pretended friend,
and find a friend in a quarter you had no expectations from, cannot
cheat half so much as the wretches that advise you to consult them, as
they have a safe thing for the Derby; and we are not half such idiots
as you are to believe in the secrets of creatures who lodge over stables
and in back-streets in Clerkenwell, and yet can help you to fortunes.6
" Besides, if there is no such thing as witchcraft, the pretending to
it can do no harm,' and if there is, you may be quite sure that it is not
by the wise men of Westminster that it will be put down. I do not pre-
tend to say what I believe/ but all the wisest and best men of past
ages were superstitious,9 as you call it; and even Sir Walter Scott,
whose mind was a good deal stronger, I suppose, than the minds of
most of the men of the present day (also Napoleon), believed in
ghosts and things.10 And if you go to church, which I hope you do,
you must hear constantly that the Jews had witches and wizards, and
though that is a long time ago, truth can never die.11 And some people
whom I know have had the most extraordinary things told them by
fortune-tellers who had not the least knowledge of them beforehand,
and I could tell you that to a young lady of my own acquaintance, who
was married last year, a woman predicted something that came exactly
true ; how she would go a journey, and lose something she valued, and
have a quarrel about it, which would not be made up until something
else which she particularly wished for had happened, and it came true
to the letter, lor they Avent to Ramsgate, and she lost one of her
bracelets in a bathing-machine, and her husband never ceased to tor-
ment her about it until her baby was born, when he gave her a much
more beautiful one. Besides, I could tell you of other things, of a
more serious kind, that have been revealed in the same way.12 The only
strong argument which any of you men bring forward against the for-
tune-tellers is, that they are poor and live in penury, but this is a very
vulgar objection, and just like Mammon worshippers, who would not
believe in a diamond unless it was in a gold setting; and besides, how
do you know that they are poor ? Perhaps they only pretend to be,
and this is the reason they live in such obscure places, and to avoid
the persecution of the laws.
" I do not mean, of course, that servant-girls and creatures of that
kind ought to be encouraged to go to these women, and get their heads
full of nonsensical ideas that they are the children of gentlemen, and
are to marry noblemen with coaches-and-six, making them unfit for
their stations and duties,13 and squandering the money which they had
better put in the Savings' Bank, and not waste upon imitations of the
dress of their betters," because letting such people go to fortune-tellers
does more harm than good ; but as to saying that a lady who consults
a fortune-teller is on that account a fool, or the poor old woman ought
to be sent to prison, that is just one of the pieces of impertinence and
oppression on the part of men which make me so angry that I could
throw things about the room.14
" Yours, affectionately,
" Tuesday" " Mary Ann."
1 Hastings is by no means a horrible place, if you get on the high part, and away
from the abominable and deleterious scents of the beach.
I Just so, and silence about a person is often more suspicious than talking about
him.
3 An untravelled young Englishman's joke—the Viennese park is not pronounced
prayter—but Charley's wit may pass.
4 Feminine effrontery. The other day you were only too proud if an occasioaai
letter from you were admitted. Know your station, Miss.
5 We do, but not in the dialect of the Gate of Billing.
6 Without prejudice to the severe remarks which we are about to make, we may
observe that this is exceedingly just and true, and Charles Hamerton hasevideutly
helped you to the fact and to the argument.
7 All shams do some harm, which is why Punch murders so many that he would
otherwise leave to die.
8 You don't know what you believe, goosey.
9 No such thing. _
10 What do you mean by things? Besides, Sir W Scott believed in nothing of
the kind. Napoleon was superstitious, as all irreligious men are, the difference
between a rational and an irrational faith being thus illustrated.
II Come, come, nonsense like this is unworthy of you, child.
12 Wonderful !
13 Then truth is kept for ladies, and falsehood for menials. Are you not ashamed
of yourself ?
11 Mary Ann, perpend. This is not merely a ridiculous letter, but one which
argues a disturbed state of mind. Our conviction is that you, accompanied by some
foolish matron of your acquaintance (the sooner you quarrel the better; have been
visiting one of the impostors who pretend to tell fortunes. Prompted, secretly, by
your friend, the old humbug has hinted Hamerton, and you are in the Seventh
Heaven, and hence this flood of nonsense. Now, as we happen to have discovered
the real name of the gentleman you call Hamerton, and as we know that his father
has better views for him, we have written to the old man, and you will see, by the
result, whether your witch is to be trusted. It is with pain that we make an
example of you, but it is our duty to thousands of other girls. Look oat !
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[April 11, 1857,
Mr. Punch {mysteriously). "Now what would you like ? Sat a Title-
sat the Order of the Thistle/"
MARY ANN'S NOTIONS.
" My dear Mr. Punch,
" Poor dear Papa has been beaten, and I need hardly say
that 'election' is a tabooed word in our house. Dear old thing, he
had set his mind upon coming in, but I suppose the bribery money he
advanced was not enough, or it was stolen by the attorneys, or
bankers, or somebody. It is very ridiculous that, if votes are to be
bought, there is not some office or place where the money could be
paid in and a candidate be sure it gets to the right hands. However,
the thing is done, and Papa has returned to town as savage as possible,
and though Mamma and me do our best not to annoy him by the least
reference to the subject, Augustus is not so considerate, and is
always talking about this man being floored, and that man having
a squeak for it (a rat, I suppose), and the other man pulling up like
one o'clock; and Papa winces ; and, what is worse, I should not
wonder if we had to economise at Hastings, or some such horrible
place, this year,1 instead of going to Vienna. And now I have told
you all, I remember that I never told you that Papa was going to offer
himself, but you know that he was always Parliamentary in his mind,
and the other night he was hurried off by the night train, and in the
morning his Address came up to us—such nonsense, but just like the
others in the newspapers—pledging himself to do a lot of things
without committing himself to a lot of other things. I wish he had
kept his money, and taken us to Vienna—as—no, I won't tell you who
said, because you made fun one week2—but, as Somebody said, the
Prater there is a much pieasanter neighbourhood than that of the
praters at Westminster.3
" Well, your .precious General Election is over, and now what
next? What is the good of all the hubbub, and extravagance,
and bribery, and canting, and rioting, and drinking beer ? Will
there be any new laws made with any sense in them, or will the
new Parliament go on talking rubbish and quarrelling factiously in
the way you. expose every week—and I only wish, by the way, that
you wotdd let me write that Essence of Parliament,4 which you do
not make half severe enough, and,—but the fact is that you are afraid
to call persons by their right names, and, if yon think a Member is a
fool or a knave, why don't you tell him so'?5 Men are dreadful
cowards, and I always said it.
" I suppose that among the ridiculous laws that will be made, some-
body will pass a Bill for putting down witches and fortune-tellers. I
see a good deal about it m the papers, and the subject is being 'venti-
lated,' as Papa says, before it is taken up. What has set your wise-
acres upon the matter,_is a trial I read, where a wizard got twenty-two
poaads for unbewitching a farmhouse; and because this was a cheat,
the police will proclaim war against every poor old creature that tells
fortunes. Of course, if a woman offers to intercede, there will be a
chorus of indignation, and intellectual young men will sniff out their
contempt, declaring that by Jove they believe that the idiots (us) put
faith in a duty old wretch with a dirty pack of cards. I should like to
know which is the simplest, us, or gentlemen who believe in secret
information about horse-racing that they write for to thieves who
advertise 'tips.' Are these people so clever, and do they give such
correct information in return for money ? Why the old women that
tell you that you will marry a fair man, and have children, and go a
journey, and receive a letter, and be deceived in a pretended friend,
and find a friend in a quarter you had no expectations from, cannot
cheat half so much as the wretches that advise you to consult them, as
they have a safe thing for the Derby; and we are not half such idiots
as you are to believe in the secrets of creatures who lodge over stables
and in back-streets in Clerkenwell, and yet can help you to fortunes.6
" Besides, if there is no such thing as witchcraft, the pretending to
it can do no harm,' and if there is, you may be quite sure that it is not
by the wise men of Westminster that it will be put down. I do not pre-
tend to say what I believe/ but all the wisest and best men of past
ages were superstitious,9 as you call it; and even Sir Walter Scott,
whose mind was a good deal stronger, I suppose, than the minds of
most of the men of the present day (also Napoleon), believed in
ghosts and things.10 And if you go to church, which I hope you do,
you must hear constantly that the Jews had witches and wizards, and
though that is a long time ago, truth can never die.11 And some people
whom I know have had the most extraordinary things told them by
fortune-tellers who had not the least knowledge of them beforehand,
and I could tell you that to a young lady of my own acquaintance, who
was married last year, a woman predicted something that came exactly
true ; how she would go a journey, and lose something she valued, and
have a quarrel about it, which would not be made up until something
else which she particularly wished for had happened, and it came true
to the letter, lor they Avent to Ramsgate, and she lost one of her
bracelets in a bathing-machine, and her husband never ceased to tor-
ment her about it until her baby was born, when he gave her a much
more beautiful one. Besides, I could tell you of other things, of a
more serious kind, that have been revealed in the same way.12 The only
strong argument which any of you men bring forward against the for-
tune-tellers is, that they are poor and live in penury, but this is a very
vulgar objection, and just like Mammon worshippers, who would not
believe in a diamond unless it was in a gold setting; and besides, how
do you know that they are poor ? Perhaps they only pretend to be,
and this is the reason they live in such obscure places, and to avoid
the persecution of the laws.
" I do not mean, of course, that servant-girls and creatures of that
kind ought to be encouraged to go to these women, and get their heads
full of nonsensical ideas that they are the children of gentlemen, and
are to marry noblemen with coaches-and-six, making them unfit for
their stations and duties,13 and squandering the money which they had
better put in the Savings' Bank, and not waste upon imitations of the
dress of their betters," because letting such people go to fortune-tellers
does more harm than good ; but as to saying that a lady who consults
a fortune-teller is on that account a fool, or the poor old woman ought
to be sent to prison, that is just one of the pieces of impertinence and
oppression on the part of men which make me so angry that I could
throw things about the room.14
" Yours, affectionately,
" Tuesday" " Mary Ann."
1 Hastings is by no means a horrible place, if you get on the high part, and away
from the abominable and deleterious scents of the beach.
I Just so, and silence about a person is often more suspicious than talking about
him.
3 An untravelled young Englishman's joke—the Viennese park is not pronounced
prayter—but Charley's wit may pass.
4 Feminine effrontery. The other day you were only too proud if an occasioaai
letter from you were admitted. Know your station, Miss.
5 We do, but not in the dialect of the Gate of Billing.
6 Without prejudice to the severe remarks which we are about to make, we may
observe that this is exceedingly just and true, and Charles Hamerton hasevideutly
helped you to the fact and to the argument.
7 All shams do some harm, which is why Punch murders so many that he would
otherwise leave to die.
8 You don't know what you believe, goosey.
9 No such thing. _
10 What do you mean by things? Besides, Sir W Scott believed in nothing of
the kind. Napoleon was superstitious, as all irreligious men are, the difference
between a rational and an irrational faith being thus illustrated.
II Come, come, nonsense like this is unworthy of you, child.
12 Wonderful !
13 Then truth is kept for ladies, and falsehood for menials. Are you not ashamed
of yourself ?
11 Mary Ann, perpend. This is not merely a ridiculous letter, but one which
argues a disturbed state of mind. Our conviction is that you, accompanied by some
foolish matron of your acquaintance (the sooner you quarrel the better; have been
visiting one of the impostors who pretend to tell fortunes. Prompted, secretly, by
your friend, the old humbug has hinted Hamerton, and you are in the Seventh
Heaven, and hence this flood of nonsense. Now, as we happen to have discovered
the real name of the gentleman you call Hamerton, and as we know that his father
has better views for him, we have written to the old man, and you will see, by the
result, whether your witch is to be trusted. It is with pain that we make an
example of you, but it is our duty to thousands of other girls. Look oat !