Punch (34.1858)

22

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[January 16, 1858.

DISTRIBUTION OF MR. PUNCH'S NEW YEAR S GIFTS

tjnch, inspired by the ex-
ample of Royal benevo-
lence which is annually
exhibited at Windsor
Castle, His Serenity de-
termined this year to
present a few tokens of
remembrance to such as
he considered worthy to
receive them. Having
previously held a Privy
Council with himself, and
settled at what time it
would be to his conve-
nience to dispense his
favours, His Serenity
evinced his usual thought-
ful foresight by com-
manding that his fire be
lit an hour or so before-
hand, so that his state
chamber might be warm-
ed by the time he meant
to enter it. With his
accustomed punctuality,
His Serenity arrived
within five-and-fifty mi-
nutes of the hour he had

having, in a momentary
fit of self-forgetfulness,
been so foolish as to get
into an almost empty om-
nibus, which of course
carried him much slower
than his legs would have
done. It being his de-
sire to proceed in perfect
privacy, His Serenity was
attended only by his dog
Toby and a file of his back
Numbers, which proved
of service to beguile the
tediousness of the jour-
ney. A running escort of small street-boys was also in attendance for
a great part of the way, several of whom stood on their heads at
every stoppage of the 'bus, and performed acts of obeisance coupled
with gymnastics.

Having at length arrived at what had been his destination, His
Serenity descended from the vehicle in state—the state being that of
wrath at the length of his detention—and the way having been cleared
for him (there being no one passing) he proceeded on foot across the
pavement to his office, where his publisher and errand-boy were present
to receive him. Having poked the fire, and stood for some few
moments with his back to it in his usual graceful attitude, His Serenity
proceeded to divest himself of his hat and glove6 and walking-stick,
and assumed his air of business and his coat of office. The distribution
of the Gifts then immediately commenced, the errand-boy aforesaid
being chosen as distributor. During the ceremony, which was con-
ducted without form, the bells on Toby's jacket rang out many a lively
peal, as he occasionally indulged in the pleasure of a shake, or was
busied in the much more frequent exercise of scratching.

Among the Gifts which were presented may be chronicled the
folio wing:—

Mr. Cox, M.P., received a new backgammon board, lettered on the
outside History of England: the gift being intended as a work of
reference which the learned gentleman should use on state occasions,
when enlightening the House upon the acts of Lord Wat Tyler.

To the King of Naples was despatched the model of an ambassador,
by whose mouth satisfaction would be asked for the insults to Great
Britain, offered in the treatment of the Cagliari engineers : the model
being that of a sixty-four pounder, protruding from the port-hole of an
English line-of-battle ship.

To the British Museum was presented the gift of a large thorn,
discovered in the side of the Premier of England, at the time of Lord
Clanricarde's admission to the Ministry.

A benighted constant reader of the Saturday Review received the
gift of Mr. Punch's not invaluable only but disinterested advice, to
save both character and money by reading Mr. Punch's periodical
instead of it.

To the Pimlico New Towners was awarded the gift of a ton of

cotton wool, to be used in aural self-defence against the coster-cries
and organs.

To a brutal British Cabman, whom he had detected in the act of
over charging, and then bullying a lady, Mr. Punch presented a small
gift-book, called Hints on Etiquette, with (by way of sequel to the
disregard of them) a lately published treatise upon English Prison
Discipline.

To Mister Viscount Williams, the M.P. for Lambeth, the gift
of a new eye-glass was most graciously presented, accompanied with
the hope that he might find it serviceable in taking his usual one-sided
view of subjects.

The gift of a new joke was made to a Burlesque writer, on condition
that he should not use it more than six times in a season.

To a constant rider by the Chelsea omnibuses, Mr. Punch in his
benevolence made the gift of some remarks upon the value of patience,
with the more serviceable present of a sharply-ferruled walking-stick,
to be used in poking at the ribs of a refractory conductor.

To the afflicted House of Commons, Mr. Punch was pleased to give
a presentation copy of his works, as a harbour of refuge when a
Spooner's on his legs or a Newdegate is prosing.

The gift of common decency was one that Mr. Punch had wished to
see presented to a Eootman, whom he had detected in the act of
snubbing a poor governess ; but as the offer was rejected as an insult
to the Plush, Mr. Punch was left to wish that the livery had been his,
that he might have given him inside it his wages and the sack.

To Sir. Charles Napier was sent a Complete Letter Writer, with
some advice upon the maintenance of proper self-esteem, a quality in
which he is so specially deficient ; and Mr. Disraeli received the gift
of a new chaff-machine, for his assistance when he wished to be
particularly cutting.

Among the gifts which Mr. Punch expects ere long to see presented
fixed : the delay having are the Freedom of India from the leaden brains in Leadenhall Street,
been caused by his j and the Freedom of the City from the Corporation and the coal-tax ;

' together with the Purifying of the Thames, and of the representative
system, each of which alike is sadly in bad odour, and needs a thorough
cleansing from corrupt constituents.

A Rhyme not without Reason.

To be Sung {rather Small) at the next Privy Council.

Pam and Pan,

Have called in Clan,
Just to give us a subject for laughter ;

But Punch says, folk

Don't relish the joke,
And Pam had best mind what he's after.

POUND OUT AT LAST !

We stop the press to insert the following telegram from Herne Bay,
to which place a friend of ours retired some time ago, in order that lie
might, in solitude, unravel a mystery that had preyed on his mind to
such an alarming extent that, it was feared, his intellect might suffer
seriously from the strain. That mystery was,—who were the senders
of the money acknowledged to be received by the Chancellor of
the Exchequer on account of unpaid Income-Tax. He was resolved
to solve it, or perish in the solution. The latest intelligence announced
that he was living at Herne Bay, and that he had taken the policeman
into his confidence. He was supposed to have done so because there
was no one else to talk to ; but still it was firmly believed that some-
thing would result from communication with that great man, whose
habits of life were so peculiarly suited for reflection. Who made the
discovery, or how it was made, we do not know; our only information
of it being derived from the annexed telegram, received at the Punch
Office at 915 this morning by our boy, between whom and the mes-
senger a spirited dialogue occurred, as to the propriety of "punching "
people's heads who didn't mind what they were about, and their ex-
treme desire to catch anybody performing that operation. They are
alone therefore answerable for the delay in giving it to the world.

[By Electric Telegraph.]

" Herne Bay, 8 30jp.m., To-morrow morning.

" i 've found it out.

" i said i should when i left Fleas Street.*

" By the new probe and get us the administration sacked f it is declared that
the London Proctors are to receive compensation in the shape of a life pension of
half their average gains during the past five years ; such gains to be calculated from
the amount of income-tax they have paid during the period named.

" The thing- 's as clear as mud. It's them ! They have forgotten to pay the tax
until reminded it was their interest to do so.

" i shall return to town immediately, and you must pay for this Telegram." }

Obviously meant for Fleet Street.

Probably intended for the new " Probate and Letters of Administration Act.'
Dun't you wish you may get it ?