Punch (34.1858)

January 16. 1858.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

23

THE LEVIATHAN LAUNCH.

Mr. Punch deems it proper to say, with reference to the launch of
the Leviathan, that he, of course, could have got her into the water at
the shortest notice, and without the slightest difficulty. But he pre-
ferred to adhere to his practice of minding his own business, and letting
other people mind theirs. Had he been called in by Mr. Brunel,
Mr. Punch's best services would have been at that gentleman's disposal;
and that he could have exhausted all the resources of science will be
evident from the following selection from about fifteen hundred letters
which he has received upon the subject. Most of them are of a more
practical character than the majority of suggestions which have been
printed by his good-natured contemporaries :—

"Dear Punch,— Brunel knows nothing aboutanything. I could
launch the ship in six hours. She is made of iron, is she not? Well, I
would cast at Woolwich, and place on the opposite side of the river ten
large magnets, to be prepared under Dr. Faraday's direction. They
should be twenty-three feet from end to end, which, subdivided by the
cube of the vessel's momentum gives the duplicate ratio of force
required, as any charity-boy knows. Unless there be no such thing as
attraction, she would be steadily drawn down into the stream without
rams, jams, crams, trams, or dams.

"Yours obediently,
" Pig Iron Works." " Tom Tug."

" Sir,—It is from no desire to advertise my own goods, but from a
conscientious conviction that there is but one way to launch the
gigantic vessel which does so much honour to British industry and
skill, that I presume to trouble you with this letter. Iaia manu-
facturer of that graceful and instructive toy, the Child's Balloon. I
propose that Mr. Brunel should purchase of me about 500,000 of
my balloons, and attach them to his vessel. They would raise her
into the air, and she must be guided down to the river. I would
either take back the balloons at quarter price, or they might be sold
to the public in memory of the event.

"Your obedient servant,
" St. Mary Eaxe" " Bladdery Pop."

" Sir,—These scoundrel Sepoys! Why not launch the vessel with
them ? Send 'em over in thousands, myriads if you like, harness 'em
to the ship, and flog 'em like blazes till they run her down to the
water. They'll be all drowned, you'll say. Well, so much the
better.

" Yours (in haste),
" Army and Navy Club" " Salmo Perox."

" Dear Sir,—Why not try Electricity ? The vessel, being iron, is
made for the purpose. Get a brewery vat, turn it into a battery, and lay
on the conductor. She would jump, bang, into the middle of the river,
and settle like a sea-gull.

" Your obedient servant,
" Electric Telegraph Office." " Tycho Brahe."

" Sir,—I am an old naval gunner. Did you ever witness the effect
of a broadside ? If so, you will comprehend my suggestion for getting
off my big neighbour, the Leviathan. Lay fifty of the largest ship's
guns with their breeches against her lee side. Load them heavily, and
tire them all at once. Their united recoil would shove her into the
stream.

" Yours respectfully,
" Greenwich Hospital." " Abraham; Linstock."

" Dear Mr. Punch,—We are diametrically opposed in religion and
politics, but on the field of science we might meet as friends, especially
since you have frankly given in your adhesion to the doctrine lately
enunciated by the Holy See, namely, that the Sun goes round the Earth.
I should like to see the large ship launched, and I can supply the means.
You remember that it is said in your Roman history, that when a similar
difficulty occurred on the Tiber, a Vestal Virgin tied her girdle to the
vessel, and it instantly followed her to the river. The story is falsified,
as the holy girl was a nun, who is now worshipped by the Church as
Ste. Nigritia. A reverend friend in Naples (the custodian of the blood
of S. Januarius), has got a strip of Ste. Nigritia's girdle, and will
dispose of it on reasonable terms. Would you see the Directors on
the subject ?

" Yours in all humility,
" Golden Square." " Nicholas Flam Wiseman (Cardinal)."

" The Editor of the Record presents to Mr. Punch such compliments
as miserable worms may exchange with one another, and would ask
nim, in all brotherly love, what he thinks of the profane and blas-
phemous ship now? The Editor foretold that no good could come to a
vessel named after Satan, and how much has come ? The only way to
launch her is, for the Directors solemnly to erase the accursed
name £rr<n the bow, or keel, or wherever they put such things,

and then to invite the Earl of Shaftesbury, Sir. C. Eardley,
Dr. O'Howl, and a few more of the few really sincere and pious men
in England, to have service (and lunch) on board daily, until the
engineers are privileged to launch her. If there are any Papists in the
yard, they must he instantly discharged.

" Record Office, Tuesday."

" Dear Mr. Punch,—I am a creditor of Mr. Humphrey Brown's.
Do you remember the extraordinary ease with which that great man
managed his ships ? I think he contrived to have them in two places
at once. Why not send for him to Mill wall ?

" Yours obediently,

" Q. B. Prison." " Dunn Brown."

" Sir,—We are taught by the _ Constitution that the House of
Commons is omnipotent, and that its resolution must be obeyed. I
therefore propose, should the vessel not be launched by the 4th of
February, to take the following course. As the vessel is on the ways,
I conceive that the House must go into Ways and Means, and therefore
I shall first move the House into Committee, and then the ship into
the river.

" I have the honour, &c,
" Woburn Abbey P " John Russell."

" Dear Friend,—I can put your Ship in water, but much better to
be where her now is. My patron, S. M. the Emperor oe all the
Russias, found it easy to put his ships down in the water; but, my
faith, they come not up again. Let her be, and I will perform my little
magics on board, and so get the direction much more profits, by my
attraction.

" Your devoted,

" St. James's Theatre." " Williabber Frirel."

(To be Discontinued?)

THE SPURGEON QUADRILLE.

Mr. Spurgeon's approbation of dancing, provided that the two
sexes dance separately, suggests an idea which we commend to the
attention of Mons. Jullien. In many respects, besides the circum-
stance of having successfully performed at the Surrey Music Hall,
Jullien resembles Spurgeon. They are men of the time, and very
similar men. Kindred spirits should sympathize. Need more be said
to induce the Mons. immediately to apply his gigantic genius to the
composition of a Spurgeon Quadrille ? The triumphs of Spurgeon
might as easily, and at least as suitably, be celebrated by Jullien as
those of our departed hero ; but the reason why we want our mighty
master of dance-music to immortalize the Ranter more particularly, iii
that he may illustrate the Spurgeonic notion of the gentlemen dancing
alone. What that notion is, he perhaps understands better than we
do. Does Mr. Spurgeon concede the vis-a-vis, and would he permit
the ladies and gentlemen to dance in the same room, so long as they
confined themselves, respectively, to dancing on opposite sides of it ?
Would he tolerate " Set to Sides," whilst disallowing " Hands across
and change partners ?" Or would the Mons. better consult, and illus-
trate, the views of Mr. Spurgeon, if he were to devise two separate
quadrilles, one for ladies, and the other for gentlemen only ?