Punch (34.1858)

^abcloth.

He is gone. Heaven's will is best:

Strew not on the hero's hearse

Indian turf o'erlies his breast.

Garlands of a herald's verse :

Ghoul in black, nor fool in gold

Let us hear no words of Fame

Laid him in yon hallowed mould.

Sounding loud a deathless name :

Guarded to a soldier's grave

Tell us of no vauntful Glory

By the bravest of the brave,

Shouting forth her haughty story.

He hath gained a nobler tomb

All life long his homage rose

Than in old Cathedral gloom,

To far other shrine than those.

Nobler mourners paid the rite

" $tt Dot Signs," pale nor dim,

Than the crowd that craves a sight,

Lit the battle-field for him,

England's banners o'er him waved—

And the prize he sought and won,

Dead, he keeps the realm he saved.

Was the Crown for Duty done.

A WOMAN OF REAL NERVE.

A Very pleasing and instructive exhibition recently took place at
the private residence of Professor Blande. This was a woman of
real nerve (species almost extinct, and not classed by Cuvier or
Owen), whom the Professor had discovered among the Lakes of
"Westmoreland, and had secured by a matrimonial knot, after long and
severe wooing.

Having introduced three of his bachelor friends to the lady, she
received them with unaffected affability, though no previous intimation
had been given by the Professor of his having invited them to dinner !

On sitting down to dinner the lady was attired in morning dress,
of which, however, beyond a smiling allusion to the inconvenience of
having painters in the house, she betrayed no consciousness !

Wine and filberts having been placed on the table, Professor
Blande produced a box of cigars, and requested his bachelor friends
to help themselves, the Professor observing that, if smoking was not
injurious to them, it could not possibly affect the muslin curtains—a
philosophical remark in which the lady entirely concurred !

During tea the Professor, winking at his bachelor friends, informed
them that he had been elected a director of the " Boyal Sand Bank,"
and that in performance of his duties he should be obliged at least once
a week to sleep upon the premises, at which announcement the bachelor
friends were much concerned. The lady, however, composedly observed

that business must be attended to, and hoped that " Edward " (meaning
the Professor) would take his nightcap with him, and ascertain that
the beds were well aired !

A very pretty servant-maid waiting at table, the Professor took
occasion in her absence to comment upon her personal appearance, the
lady confirming his favourable opinion, and adding, that Phcebe was
an excellent servant and a very good girl, and regretting in one respect
that she was soon about to be married !

The exhibition concluded by Professor Blande ingeniously drop-
ping a letter from his pocket, which the lady picked up, and found to
be a Valentine highly coloured. Professor Blande feigned to be
much disconcerted at this discovery; but the lady was so amused by
his guilty countenance, that he was at length constrained to admit that
he had written and posted it himself. On hearing this confession the
lady pleasantly observed, that a little innocent diversion was not dear
at a penny, and that it might have been iess usefully spent—for
example, in snuff, which never made people laugh, though it often
made them sneeze. At this mild expression of a feminine prejudice,
the bachelor friends lifted up their eyes with one consent, and marvelled
hugely. Before their departure the bachelor friends warmly congratu-
lated Professor Blande upon his invaluable acquisition; and requested
him, if he should hear of another specimen, to let them know as soon
as convenient; which Professor B. promised to do, archly observing,
however, that he rather flattered himself his exhibition was unique.