Punch: Punch (40.1861)

[January 12, 1861,

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.


A very neat Present for the Young Mother of a Large Family of Small
Children, and likely to he extremely usef ul at this Festive Season.

NEW AIRS FOR VOLUNTEER BUGLES.

Mr. Punch, as the sworn enemy of the trite and common-place,
suffers sadly—in common with all England—under the wearisome
repetition and palling sameness of the speeches with which his darlings,
the Ladies of England, grace the bugles they present to the Rifle
Volunteers of their respective neighbourhoods. He is never tired of
the fair presenters of these martial instruments. There is no sameness
about them! From Mrs. Captain Slasher’s sloe-black eyes and
raven locks, to Mrs. Col. Gushington’s violet orbs and golden
tresses, he revels in all the delicate shades of the Beautiful that lie
between the bewildering brunette and the bewitching blonde. Happy
fellow! Has he not Roman noses and retrousses,—chiselled Grecian
profiles and provocative gipsy loveliness,—slim, slender, fawn-like
graces, and ripe, round, melting embonpoint,—to disport among, as the
butterfly sips at will through all the delicious varieties of conservatory
and flower-garden ?

No! Mr. Punch wishes for no change in the ladies; but he sadly
desiderates a little change in their speeches. Who does not know the
stereotyped form:—The hope that this bugle, which, &c., may never
sound excppt in, &c., &c., but that if ever, &c., &c., then we feel sure
that, &c., &c., &c. . . .

Mr. Punch, always thinking of the dear ladies, begs to suggest a few
variations on this eternal Volunteer Bugle air, as, for example:—

“ Volunteers of the Bourth Beefshire,—The ladies of the neighbour-
hood having got up a subscription to present you with a set of silver
bugles (because it is the fashion to present silver bugles, and the
ladies of Beefshire are determined not to be behind the fashion), have
requested me to make a speech on the occasion. It is a horrid bore ;
but as I’m your Commanding Officer’s wife, I can’t refuse,—and, after
all, it’s pleasant to have a good reason for insisting on a pretty new
bonnet. I am sure you are very smart fellows, and look uncommonly
well in your uniforms. You shoot very fairly, I’m told, and go through
your company and battalion movements quite as steadily as can be
expected. I’ve no doubt you will behave like Englishmen if ever you
are required to fight, though I don’t think there’s the least chance of
it—or I shouldn’t have been quite so ready to allow my husband to take
the command of the corps. I’m afraid not many of you know the
bugle-calls, even when they are sounded on your light infantry drill
parades. If it ever came to actual fighting, I don’t think, from all I
can find out, that there’s the least probability of bugle-calls being
either understood or attended to; and 1 should recommend you, in
such an event, by all means to leave these silver bugles at home, and

trust to hearing the word of command. But it’s very pleasant to have
such an excellent excuse for an outing, and I have no doubt we j
shall all enjoy the ball this evening immensely.”

Or this :—

“Sixteenth East Clodshire,—I’m sorry to hear you are not
nearly so attentive to your company drill as you ought to be. My
husband begs me to tell you that, till you’re up to that, it’s no use
attempting to practise light infantry movements. I should strongly !
recommend your Commanding Officer to lock up these bugles till |
you’re a great deal smarter in your extending and closing than you
have shown yourselves to-day ; for I’ve not a doubt that, as you are,
you’d make a horrid mess of it if you were ordered out to ‘ cover the
front,’ or to occupy the ground as skirmishers. And as to bugle-calls,
one might just as well ‘whistle jigs to a milestone,’ as try to move you
by music. Now go home, like good fellows, and do try if you can’t
muster a few more than fifteen to a company in your battalion drills
for the next quarter.”

Or this :—

“Volunteers of Clodhoppington,—We none of us know what we are
likely to do till we’ve been tried. I didn’t think I should ever have
accepted George—but I did. So 1 don’t think the Erench are likely
to invade this country, but they may ; and if they do, I don’t think
you are likely to run away, but you might. I only hope that if you do,
your Bugler will magnanimously refuse to sound ‘the retreat’ on this
bugle; though I’m afraid, if he should, he’ll be liable to be shot by
the Articles of War.”

Or this

“ Blowing one’s own trumpet is a highly offensive practice. Perhaps,
in this matter of Volunteering, we have indulged a little too much in
that style of performance. So, without saying what I hope or what 7.
feel sure of, I beg to hand you the bugle we’ve subscribed for, and
I trust you’ll make a good use of it.”

SOMETHING LIKE A PEER.

Mr. Sidney Herbert is created a Peer. Nobody deserves the
honour better thau the able, indefatigable, eloquent, and courteous
War-Secretary, to whom Mr. Punch hereby liquors, and will be
happy to see his Lordship to wet his coronet, whenever he likes to call
at No. 85. Mr. Punch has heard, that, in playful allusion to the title
civilly given to Mr. Herbert by an ill-conditioned M.P., his Lordship ,
thought of being called Lord Monster, but that the vicious pronun-
ciation of a territorial aristocracy might have confounded him with
Lord Munster, which would have been awkward. Unluckily, there
is a Lord Wilton, unhappily known by his muffish patronage of
street-organs, or that would have been the befitting name for Mr.
Herbert. However, he must mind and take a title which Mr. Punch
can rhyme to, as the latter and elder nobleman hopes to have several
civil things to say of the later and younger one.

A Daring Coup de Main.

Can you tell us why a Erench glove-shop generally has the sign—
Au Tour de Nesle ?

No, unless it is a misprint, for as if. is the duty of the glove to go
round the fingers, the handier title would have been—Autour des l
Nails. [We boldly challenge Baron Bramwell to beat the above.

STROUD can’t THROW HIM.

Bunch likes what is plucky, and begs to repeat,

Here’s a health to the Horsman who will keep his seat.

Questions for Juvenile Debating Societies.

When Mr. Ruskin lectures on drawing, should we be justified in
calling him a Stump-Ora.tor ?

If a pretty Young Lady talked too much, would it be ungallant to
admire her, but to qualify it by saying that her beauty was unpeu trop

prononce._

DESTROYING THE ENEMY’S WORKS.

At the sack of the Emperor’s Palace at Pekin, a number of valuable
watches and clocks were destroyed. _ We suppose the soldiers did it as
an amusement merely by way of killing time.

THE UNITED EFPORT OF SIX ROYAL ACADEMICIANS.

What colour is it that contains several ? An Umber (a number.)

Riddle for the Social Circle.—When is a Young Lady like &
Poacher ? When she has her hair in a net.