Punch: Punch (40.1861)

239

JUNE 15, 1861.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

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BEWARE, DARLINGS, OF ARTILLERY WHISKERS.

This is the Critical Position op Louisa and Captain Charley Bang—His
Whisker caught in her Ear-rinc-, and Papa Knocking at the Dooa !

ROBBING THE POOR.

The Royal Commissioners tell us, in their report, that the present income of the
Blue-coat, School is £60,930 per annum. We wish the Commissioners had carried
their investigations a little further. We should like to have known how much
the really poor, for whose benefit, the above charity was supposed to have been
originally instituted, receive out of the above income; also, what is the station in
life, and the probable income of the parent of every boy who is domiciled there ; and
how many of them keep carriages, &c. ? The subject of presentations, also, would
have formed a very curious chapter. We might have learnt if they are ever sold,
or bartered, or trafficked in, or given away to ladies and gentlemen in easy com-
fortable circumstances, who certainly would have paid for their children’s schooling
if they had not got these educational free admissions for nothing. Gentility occa-
sio jally is not too proud to soil her white hands by accepting such sifts. It is
true that Poverty suffers, but then is it not her hard lot to suffer; and besides is
there not the Ragged School where she can send her children to, if she likes ?

We are told that “ charity covers a multitude of sins,” and she needs a very large
cloak indeed to hide all the errors and abuses committed by those who are entrusted
with the sacred administration of its funds, and who either from weakness, or
excess of good nature, or downright incapacity, do not know how properly to
dispense them.

Geographical Society’s house, and as soon as the birds are
sufficiently apt, they will be placed upon the various
stations. They will not, interfere with the present porters,
who will yelp, clip, scream, grunt, and make the other
noises comprehensible by the inhabitants of the localities,
while to the inquiry of the Christian traveller, the accom-
plished Parrot will politely and distinctly state, in English,
the name of the station at which the train may he stopping.
A brute of Mr. Punch's acquaintance (a hateful brute) adds
that this finding employment for parrots is a logical con-
sequence of the new system of creating occupation for—
bur., no, Punch will be hanged if he writes a word against
W omen.

POET CLOSE CHANGES HIS MIND.

“ The ridiculous gift ot a pension to the Westmoreland scribbler
has been cancelled."

What, take away the Poet’s cash !

1 call that action mean.

The man who’d do that brutal ihing
Ought not to serve a Queen.

All that I said about old Pam
I hereby do retract,

I did not think him vile enough
To do so low an act.

He is a humbug, born and bred,

Merely a slave of Court,

Without the courage and the pluck
To do the thing he ought.

In other days he was a buck,

And persons called him Cupid ;

But now he’s an exploded tool.

His speeches very stupid.

I do believe he sold us all
To Russia’s tyrant Czar,

And he felt quite sorry that we won
In the Crimean war.

To give a thing and take a thing,

I ’ve heard a proverb old *

Declares is most contemptible.

The “devil’s ring of gold.”

It shows that all these Lords are fools.

Unfit to rule and sway,

And England ought to be ashamed
Of trusting such as they.

A wretched paltry fifty pounds,

To take it was disgrace,

If Mister Pam would call on me
1 ’d fling it in his face.

He thinks to put me in a rage,

The mean, old, wretched Sham,

But here 1 solemnly declare
I ’m prouder as 1 am.

To be a pensioned slave of state
Unsuits my haughty mind,

I choose to have my genius lree
Uncabbmed, unconfined.

I’ll lash all humbug as before,

And brand all Knavish scamps.

But freely praise the noble souls
Who send me postage stamps.

POLLY THE PORTER.

The Messctger du Nord states that on the Edinburgh and Glasgow line the
Directors, in consequence of the neglect of the porters to call out the uames of the
stations, have placed Parrots at those points, and that the well-tutored birds shriek
out the necessary information, to the perfect satisfaction of travellers. A con-
temporary affects to discredit the statement, but Mr. Punch believes that it is
perfectly correct, except that the employment of the parrots was not rendered
necessary by the neglect of the porters, but, by their inability to make their pro-
vincial utterances comprehended by educated travellers. The same inconvenience
is felt in Yorkshire, Lancashire, Lincolnshire, and other semi-civilised regions,
and Mr. Punch is happy to hear that the Directors on most of the lines have
resolved to meet the difficulty in the same way as the Scotch authorities have done.
A large and choice assortment of grey Parrots is now being trained at the

And when old Pam goes down below.

His epitaph I’ll pen,

“ Here lies the wretch who pensioned Close,
And took it away again.”

Notice of Motion.

Mr. Punch.—To ask the Chief Commissioner of Public
Works, or any other Honourable Gentleman who can give
the desired information, whether there is at present before
the House any private Bill containing any crafty clause
insidiously framed to legalise the enclosure of Hampstead
Heath ?