DOI Heft:
May 4, 1861
DOI Seite / Zitierlink:https://doi.org/10.11588/diglit.16867#0188
180
[May 4, 1861.
PUNCH, OH THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
Wednesday. The old Universities return Members to Parliament,
and the constituency is a curious one. The voters are the Masters of
Arts, and they are, of course, scattered all over the country, and
indeed over the world. It is proposed that, instead of givinsr an M.A.
not in residence, the trouble and expense of coming to his University
to vote, the scholarly character of his franchise shall be still further
indicated by its being permitted to him to write bis vote, and send it
to head-quarters. There is much to be said in favour of this plan, but
what is to be said against it is, that inasmuch as nearly all the Clergy ;
are Masters of Arts, you will be giving the Clerical element a huge
preponderance. All the stupid bigoted Welsh Curates and their
congeners,—the worthy and disagreeable men who live in small
villages, and get a habit of regarding everything in a village way,—the j
excellent pig-heads who quarrel with the Dissenters on little points ,
that a priest of the world would smile at,—all this mass of conscientious 1
small-mindedness will be brought to bear upon the elections. Distance, i
time, trouble, expense keep a majority of these parsons from voting j
now, but when they can vote for a penny, they will pour in their papers,
and we shall see such a man as the Record would support (can we
say anything more contemptuous ?) aided to overthrow a Gladstone,
a Macaulay, a Carlyle, or a Thackeray, or some other candidate who
would be an ornament to the House of Commons and a stone of
stumbling to bigotry. On the whole, therefore, and in the interests
of the Universities, Mr. Punch thought it better to refer the Bill to a
Select Committee, which of course was done at his suggestion.
Sir Morton Peto.—but Lord Punch said a precious good thing
to him, and that must be told here. You know the great fishmonger’s
at the top of Parliament Street—don’t the salmon look scrumptious ?
Well, on Wednesday, the Marchioness of Punch had (respectfully)
requested her Lord to send home some fish, and he, immersed in
thought for the good of the nation, passed the shop without thinking
of the request. But, remembering it, he hurried affably back, and Sir
M. Peto was standing, admiring some red mullet. “ Did you want to
speak to me?” said Sir M. P. to Lord P. “No,” said Lord P.,
quoting the classical speech of the ancient Gladiator—
“Non te, Peto,—piscem peto ”
Upon which, Sir M., delighted, was moving off, but Lord P., con;
tinuing the speech of the Retiarius, added, “ Quid me fugis, Galled ’’
{Galle, on the present occasion, Wiscount, means Old Cock). And,
after ordering a few salmons, they went down to the House together,
laughing like fun, and in capital spirits, to discuss the Bill for burying
Dissenters.
This Bill is squashed, so there is no use in talking about it; but its
intention was to permit Dissenters to bury in Church of England
churchyards, with whatever forms, or absence of forms, they might
please. The Jumpers might have come and jumped over a deceased
friend, and the Shakers might have taken and shaken him, and people who
have even briefer rituals, for instance, folks like the woman Maden,
who has again been making a fool of herself in a court of justice, might
have stood upon the tomb, and proclaimed the doctrine that “ we dies
like dogs.” These processes would have been very distasteful to
right-minded people, and the House of Commons, by 236 to 155,
majority 81, voted for preserving the sanctity of our last earthly
home.
I
i
Thursday. A queer petition was presented from some Worcestershire
attorney, who complained that at the Assiees for that county he had
been severely and unjustly walked into by Mr. Huddleston, Q.C.,
and he wants, the law altered so that Mr. Huddleston may not be
able to walk into him in future. As that eminently courteous barrister
is about the last man likely to say anything harsh or inconsiderate,
Mr. Punch will not give his Royal Assent to the proposed alteration of
the law until he has further evidence before him.
The Budget Debate was resumed, as aforesaid, and Mr. Seymour
Fitzgerald and Mr. Milner Gibson did battle. A great lot of
nobodies talked in a grocerly way about tea and sugar—the epicier
class is by no means so absent from our Chamber as the French think.
Later, Mr. Sam Slick made a vehement speech against Mr. Glad-
stone, whom he curiously charged with ridiculing the people of
Canada; and Mr. Bernal Osborne (saying that he had received a les-
son not to be Light or Violent) made some fun of Mr. Slick. Major
Edwards, who may have dined out, for he called the Speaker
“ Gentlemen,” termed the cheap newspapers “ the penny-a-lining
interest,” for which this Major (he is only a Yeomanry Major, mind,
and partner in some mercantile firm, which facts extenuate his intensely
aristocratic feelings) was well castigated by John Maguire of Cork,
more power to his elbow.
Dr. Brady tried to get a Select Committee appointed to consider
the Street-Railway question, but this respected Apothecary is not
celebrated for his successful treatment of popular complaints, and the
House would not follow his prescription, thinking perhaps that he
understands Opiates better than Sleepers.
iriday. The conversazione was short, but a good many topics came
up. Lord Palmerston made some exceeding biting remarks upon
the Prussian administration, apropos of the Macdonald case, and
declared that the Prussian Government had behaved in a way that
was most unfriendly, and unworthy of a country in alliance with
(he should have said under the patronage of) England. Won’t the
beery beggars be riled, and shan’t we have infuriated scoffs at the
Premier? The question of flogging boys in prisons, came up, and
Members took different sides, some thinking the punishment cruel,
and others defending it because they themselves were flogged at Eton.
At the latter seat of instruction it is etiquette not to bellow under the
rod, but, to look as if you rather liked it, or, at all events, are obliged
to the Doctor for his trouble; but this refinement is not comprehended
by plebeian offenders, who, it seems, howl with all their might. The
Constable could not say whether the Pope was going to appoint a
successor or not. Mr. Punch regrets to add that the indictable
nuisance, the East Wind, has actually violated propriety so far as
to afflict the Speaker with neuralgia, and incapacitate him for
the Chair, though whether an attack of that prettily named com-
plaint be not preferable to a Budget Debate, Mr. Denison has now
an opportunity of deciding. Happy will Mr. Punch be to say with
Ovid, Purus ad Auroram recessit—meantime he makes everybody else a
roarer.
SCOTCH HUSBANDRY.
—-- E subjoin an advertise-
ment taken from the
Glasgow Herald. It
suggests the expectation
that the Census Returns
for Scotland will show a
great preponderance, of
the female part of the
population. Men must
be scarce in the matri-
monial market to render
such an offer worth ad-
vertising; and if it were
not, the advertiser pro-
bably would never have
gone to the expense of
its insertion. The Scotch
lassies, with all their
charms, must find hus-
bands scarce, if any one
of them can condescend
to accept such a bar-
gain as the author of
this proposal:—
MATRIMONY.—A GENTLEMAN, aged 30,of considerable prospects,
being in temporary want of about £300, is willing to enter into Matrimony
with a LADY of his own age, who can command the above amount No objection
to a Widow. Must be of a religious turn of mind. Address “ Confidence 97,”
Herald Office.
Dr. Johnson described a man who had contracted a mercenary
marriage as a contemptible fellow who had at length obtained the
certainty of three meals a day. “ Confidence 97 ” is willing to dispose
of himself for a much meaner consideration. He is to be sold for
temporary accommodation to the amount of £300. As he does not
object to a widow, perhaps he would not strongly insist upon parity of
years. He would probably not refuse to negotiate with any old crone
who has got the sum that he requires hoarded iu her stocking. No
doubt he is ready to come to terms with any witch who can help him
to raise the wind. Only he requires that the beldame should be of a
religious turn of mind; whereby, of course, he means that she must
possess the one thing needful.
A PREJUDICED PROTESTANT.
A Costermonger, in a public house, reading aloud to a Dustman
the Roman correspondence in the Times, came to the following
passage:—
“ The Archimandrite, who is a venerable old man, then knelt before the Holy
Father, and kissed his feet.”
“ Yah ! ” cried the dustman. “ The What d’ ye call him ? ”
“ The Hartchymandrite,” replied the costermonger.
“ Humph! ” his comrade grunted. “ And ’oo 5s the ’oly Father ? ”
“ The Pope, stupid.”
" The Pope. Oh! ” said the meditative dustman, “ Kissed
the Pope’s feet. Wot a unpleasant hacf.ion! A Hartchymandrite—
kissed the Pope’s feet. Jest like one. Yer wouldn’t expect no better
of a Hartchymandrite, would yer? A kissin hof the ’oly Father’s feet:
in course that ’ere blessed Hartchymandrite be-aved as sitch.”
i
i
I
[May 4, 1861.
PUNCH, OH THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
Wednesday. The old Universities return Members to Parliament,
and the constituency is a curious one. The voters are the Masters of
Arts, and they are, of course, scattered all over the country, and
indeed over the world. It is proposed that, instead of givinsr an M.A.
not in residence, the trouble and expense of coming to his University
to vote, the scholarly character of his franchise shall be still further
indicated by its being permitted to him to write bis vote, and send it
to head-quarters. There is much to be said in favour of this plan, but
what is to be said against it is, that inasmuch as nearly all the Clergy ;
are Masters of Arts, you will be giving the Clerical element a huge
preponderance. All the stupid bigoted Welsh Curates and their
congeners,—the worthy and disagreeable men who live in small
villages, and get a habit of regarding everything in a village way,—the j
excellent pig-heads who quarrel with the Dissenters on little points ,
that a priest of the world would smile at,—all this mass of conscientious 1
small-mindedness will be brought to bear upon the elections. Distance, i
time, trouble, expense keep a majority of these parsons from voting j
now, but when they can vote for a penny, they will pour in their papers,
and we shall see such a man as the Record would support (can we
say anything more contemptuous ?) aided to overthrow a Gladstone,
a Macaulay, a Carlyle, or a Thackeray, or some other candidate who
would be an ornament to the House of Commons and a stone of
stumbling to bigotry. On the whole, therefore, and in the interests
of the Universities, Mr. Punch thought it better to refer the Bill to a
Select Committee, which of course was done at his suggestion.
Sir Morton Peto.—but Lord Punch said a precious good thing
to him, and that must be told here. You know the great fishmonger’s
at the top of Parliament Street—don’t the salmon look scrumptious ?
Well, on Wednesday, the Marchioness of Punch had (respectfully)
requested her Lord to send home some fish, and he, immersed in
thought for the good of the nation, passed the shop without thinking
of the request. But, remembering it, he hurried affably back, and Sir
M. Peto was standing, admiring some red mullet. “ Did you want to
speak to me?” said Sir M. P. to Lord P. “No,” said Lord P.,
quoting the classical speech of the ancient Gladiator—
“Non te, Peto,—piscem peto ”
Upon which, Sir M., delighted, was moving off, but Lord P., con;
tinuing the speech of the Retiarius, added, “ Quid me fugis, Galled ’’
{Galle, on the present occasion, Wiscount, means Old Cock). And,
after ordering a few salmons, they went down to the House together,
laughing like fun, and in capital spirits, to discuss the Bill for burying
Dissenters.
This Bill is squashed, so there is no use in talking about it; but its
intention was to permit Dissenters to bury in Church of England
churchyards, with whatever forms, or absence of forms, they might
please. The Jumpers might have come and jumped over a deceased
friend, and the Shakers might have taken and shaken him, and people who
have even briefer rituals, for instance, folks like the woman Maden,
who has again been making a fool of herself in a court of justice, might
have stood upon the tomb, and proclaimed the doctrine that “ we dies
like dogs.” These processes would have been very distasteful to
right-minded people, and the House of Commons, by 236 to 155,
majority 81, voted for preserving the sanctity of our last earthly
home.
I
i
Thursday. A queer petition was presented from some Worcestershire
attorney, who complained that at the Assiees for that county he had
been severely and unjustly walked into by Mr. Huddleston, Q.C.,
and he wants, the law altered so that Mr. Huddleston may not be
able to walk into him in future. As that eminently courteous barrister
is about the last man likely to say anything harsh or inconsiderate,
Mr. Punch will not give his Royal Assent to the proposed alteration of
the law until he has further evidence before him.
The Budget Debate was resumed, as aforesaid, and Mr. Seymour
Fitzgerald and Mr. Milner Gibson did battle. A great lot of
nobodies talked in a grocerly way about tea and sugar—the epicier
class is by no means so absent from our Chamber as the French think.
Later, Mr. Sam Slick made a vehement speech against Mr. Glad-
stone, whom he curiously charged with ridiculing the people of
Canada; and Mr. Bernal Osborne (saying that he had received a les-
son not to be Light or Violent) made some fun of Mr. Slick. Major
Edwards, who may have dined out, for he called the Speaker
“ Gentlemen,” termed the cheap newspapers “ the penny-a-lining
interest,” for which this Major (he is only a Yeomanry Major, mind,
and partner in some mercantile firm, which facts extenuate his intensely
aristocratic feelings) was well castigated by John Maguire of Cork,
more power to his elbow.
Dr. Brady tried to get a Select Committee appointed to consider
the Street-Railway question, but this respected Apothecary is not
celebrated for his successful treatment of popular complaints, and the
House would not follow his prescription, thinking perhaps that he
understands Opiates better than Sleepers.
iriday. The conversazione was short, but a good many topics came
up. Lord Palmerston made some exceeding biting remarks upon
the Prussian administration, apropos of the Macdonald case, and
declared that the Prussian Government had behaved in a way that
was most unfriendly, and unworthy of a country in alliance with
(he should have said under the patronage of) England. Won’t the
beery beggars be riled, and shan’t we have infuriated scoffs at the
Premier? The question of flogging boys in prisons, came up, and
Members took different sides, some thinking the punishment cruel,
and others defending it because they themselves were flogged at Eton.
At the latter seat of instruction it is etiquette not to bellow under the
rod, but, to look as if you rather liked it, or, at all events, are obliged
to the Doctor for his trouble; but this refinement is not comprehended
by plebeian offenders, who, it seems, howl with all their might. The
Constable could not say whether the Pope was going to appoint a
successor or not. Mr. Punch regrets to add that the indictable
nuisance, the East Wind, has actually violated propriety so far as
to afflict the Speaker with neuralgia, and incapacitate him for
the Chair, though whether an attack of that prettily named com-
plaint be not preferable to a Budget Debate, Mr. Denison has now
an opportunity of deciding. Happy will Mr. Punch be to say with
Ovid, Purus ad Auroram recessit—meantime he makes everybody else a
roarer.
SCOTCH HUSBANDRY.
—-- E subjoin an advertise-
ment taken from the
Glasgow Herald. It
suggests the expectation
that the Census Returns
for Scotland will show a
great preponderance, of
the female part of the
population. Men must
be scarce in the matri-
monial market to render
such an offer worth ad-
vertising; and if it were
not, the advertiser pro-
bably would never have
gone to the expense of
its insertion. The Scotch
lassies, with all their
charms, must find hus-
bands scarce, if any one
of them can condescend
to accept such a bar-
gain as the author of
this proposal:—
MATRIMONY.—A GENTLEMAN, aged 30,of considerable prospects,
being in temporary want of about £300, is willing to enter into Matrimony
with a LADY of his own age, who can command the above amount No objection
to a Widow. Must be of a religious turn of mind. Address “ Confidence 97,”
Herald Office.
Dr. Johnson described a man who had contracted a mercenary
marriage as a contemptible fellow who had at length obtained the
certainty of three meals a day. “ Confidence 97 ” is willing to dispose
of himself for a much meaner consideration. He is to be sold for
temporary accommodation to the amount of £300. As he does not
object to a widow, perhaps he would not strongly insist upon parity of
years. He would probably not refuse to negotiate with any old crone
who has got the sum that he requires hoarded iu her stocking. No
doubt he is ready to come to terms with any witch who can help him
to raise the wind. Only he requires that the beldame should be of a
religious turn of mind; whereby, of course, he means that she must
possess the one thing needful.
A PREJUDICED PROTESTANT.
A Costermonger, in a public house, reading aloud to a Dustman
the Roman correspondence in the Times, came to the following
passage:—
“ The Archimandrite, who is a venerable old man, then knelt before the Holy
Father, and kissed his feet.”
“ Yah ! ” cried the dustman. “ The What d’ ye call him ? ”
“ The Hartchymandrite,” replied the costermonger.
“ Humph! ” his comrade grunted. “ And ’oo 5s the ’oly Father ? ”
“ The Pope, stupid.”
" The Pope. Oh! ” said the meditative dustman, “ Kissed
the Pope’s feet. Wot a unpleasant hacf.ion! A Hartchymandrite—
kissed the Pope’s feet. Jest like one. Yer wouldn’t expect no better
of a Hartchymandrite, would yer? A kissin hof the ’oly Father’s feet:
in course that ’ere blessed Hartchymandrite be-aved as sitch.”
i
i
I