Punch: Punch (40.1861)

190

[Mat 11, 1861.

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

Then they voted the Tax which no tick, tick
Makes lighter at any man’s prayer,

The Income-Tax—part of the chic, chic.

Chicory Budget so fair.

When the clock with remonstrative click, click,

Pronounced it a shame to be there :

And the night heard no more of the chic, chic,

Chicory Budget so fair.

Tuesday. The Lords did nothing, and what the Commons did was
briefly explained by the Noble Wiscount, “ My dear Mr. Punch, wc
couldn’t make no house no hows. Yours, W. W.”

Wednesday. The Bill for the Recovery of Debts was rejected by
121 to 23, the House thinking that debts recovered quite fast enough
without fresh medical aid.

Mr. Locke King moved the Second Reading of his Religious
Worship Bill, so entitled, Mr. Punch supposes, to distinguish the
Worship from Hero-worship, Mammon-worship, and other idolatries.
The object of the Bill was—(you will observe the preterite, Wiscount,
and a preterite means a past tense, and a tense means an inflexion of
a verb, and a verb means a part of speech that expresses action, motion,
being, suffering, or a request or command to do or forbear anything;
don’t ask so many questions) to enable any bishop to give any parson
leave to go into the pulpit of any other parson in the said bishop’s
diocese, whether the resident parson liked the visitor or did not. The
House did not think that clerical brotherly-affection would be pro-
moted by this arrangement, and on division, another of the batch of
volunteer reforms which Mr. King and his friends have been inflicting
on Parliament with such signal ill-success, was pitched out by 191 to
145. Lord John Manners specially protested against placing the
clergy “ under the thumb ” of the bishops.

Thursday. Lord Normanby emitted one of his long and absurd
tirades against the kingdom of Italy, and was answered by Lord
Wodehouse in a speech in which the contempt he felt for such spite-
ful twaddle was a little more evident than such a sentiment is usually
permitted to be in House of Lords speeches; but, to be sure, Nor-
manby has become a nuisance that must be abated.

Before the Tea-Fight in the Commons, Mr. Cowper explained that
certain necessary repairs at Windsor Castle are being done with all
respect for the ancient character of that edifice. Mr. Stirling com-
plained that £50 a year had been given by Lord Palmerston to a
Westmoreland poet called Close, who describes himself as Laureate
to the King of Bonny, Western Africa. Lord Palmerston defended
the gift, said that Close might be placed in the same category with
Burns, and made some fun about the black king’s Laureate not get-
ting a butt of Sack. Mr. Stirling is still dissatisfied, and we are
to hear again about this poet. Mr. Hodgkinson tried to get an
alteration of the Budget in favour of House Agents; but Mr. Glad-
stone very properly refused any concession to a set of men who are
really the great obstacles to the rapid and beneficial letting of houses.
Hundreds of dwellings would be promptly and pleasantly let, but for
the intermeddling of these stupid and griping folks, whose first busi-
ness is to take care not to know anything about the houses they are
ordered to let, and their second is to take care that principals shall not
meet. Stick any tax you like on them, William; and if it tends to
their extirpation, tant mieux.

Then came the battle on the Budget. As hath been said and sung,
Mr. Disraeli proposed that, instead of taking off the Paper-Duty,
the Duty on Tea should be reduced. And the whippers whipped with
their whips, and the Members were gathered together in tremendous
force. A certain quantity of talk is a necessary formality before a
trial of strength, but Mr. Punch will boil down the debate into the
smallest compass. Mr. Gladstone defended his own proposition;
Mr. Horsfall moved the amendment, which was to keep on the Paper-
Duty, and reduce that on Tea from One and Fivepence to One Shilling.

The Marquis of Hartington had heard nothing-

Mr. Pore Hennesst would confine himself-

Lord Holmesdale was greatly surprised—-

Mr. Norris knew two respectable grocers-

Sir S. N orthcote would not attempt to answer-

Sir G. C. Lewis trusted the House-

Mr. Disraeli had been very much amused-

Lord Palmerston objected to personalities-

These formularies having been gone through, the Tellers proceeded
to the real business of the night, which was to ascertain whether the
Conservative Whip would enable Mr. Disraeli to place the Govern-
ment in a minority. Never mind deduction from argument, but deduct
281 from 299, and you have got the answer. The Government expected
a majority of about 30, but got only 18, which Mr. Disraeli said was
no “majority” at all, because “it was in its teens.” Tea Puce, how-
ever, the Conservatives do not storm the Treasury Bench, and the
seventeen pennies are again levied.

Friday. In both Houses the interesting announcement was made
that Our Daughter Alice has engaged herself, with the consent of her

parents, to Prince Louis of Hesse. Mr. Punch despairs of saying
anything so truly sweet upon the subject as is said in the report of the
Morning Chronicle, touching the delivery of the message to the Lords:

“ During the reading of the above message the House became almost quite dark,
from a sudden change in the atmosphere, but, as it was concluded, the chandeliers
flared up with a startling brilliancy—a circumstance which may be taken as a
happy omen of the approaching nuptials, initiated during a period of royal mourn-
ing, but destined to be bright and joyous in its sequel.”

In the Commons, Lord Palmerston, in speaking upon the subject,
said that he knew Our Daughter Alice, that she was an exceedingly
charming young lady, and the young gentleman who had been happy
enough to gain her affections, was in every way worthy of her. Lord
Palmerston added that the House “ could not but view with great
satisfaction an announcement intended to direct Her Majesty’s
thoughts to the anticipation of joys and of happiness in the future, and
which may gently withdraw her mind from dwelling with too great
intensity upon the melancholy recollections of the past.” That it may
do so, every subject of our Sovereign will cordially pray. For Mr.
Punch himself, he will merely remark, that he hopes the House will do
what is handsome by the young couple, and that—

“ When Louis and Alice are wed at the Palace,

He ’ll empt, in their honour, a very large chalice.”

Lord Derby lias compelled the Ministers to consent to the sending
the Bankruptcy Bill to a Select Committee. His Lordship explained
at a Mansion House dinner, early in the week, that the Conservatives
could easily turn out the Government, but preferred to keep it in and
keep it from mischief, because it was not for the credit of England
that her Ministry should be always changing, and though the Budget
division did not exactly confirm the Erl-Kmg’s allegation, the con-
senting to this manipulation of the only important Bill of the year does
not show much Ministerial valour. Lord Derby said that there
were many technical errors in the Bill, but it may be suspected that the
Committee will not stop at the correction of technicalities. The mea-
sure is not safe yet.

In answer to an idiotic question by Lord Harrington, Lord
Granville said he didn’t know, and meant that he didn’t care, whe-
ther the new tram-roads would interfere with the present conveyances.
The question Punch supposes to be some prompting of the Omnibus
Company. Well thought on—where are the beautiful new vehicles,
and elegantly-attired and civil attendants, that were with so much
puffing promised us in lieu of the dirty and inconvenient ’Busses, and
the unclean, bellowing, foul-mouthed cads that at present afflict
society? We shall want a little omnibus legislation soon, and the
present buss-folk had better be warned, for if the House does take
them in hand, they will catch it hot and hot.1

The Commons approved of certain resolutions by which it is pro-
posed to enable the House to get a little faster through its work, but
there was not much in them; and Lord John Bussell gave some
Foreign Affairs’ explanations, but there was not much in them. Mr.
Punch then adjourned to supper, and before him were placed a couple
of bottles of champagne. When he rose, there was not much in them.

A BOYAL CHBISTENING.

“ My dear Mr. Punch” said the Prince Consort, as the two field-
marshals were inspecting the new Horticultural Gardens, “you chris-
tened the Crystal Palace, give me as pretty a name for this place.”
“ My dear Prince Albert,” promptly returned the other Prince,
“when I look at Captain Fowke’s beautiful garden and elegant
arcades, an appropriate name springs to my lips.”

“ Which is-?” asked the Prince Consort.

“ Arcadia,” responded the Prince Punch.

The name was instantly adopted by acclamation, and the motto on
the tickets was ordered to be “ Nos etiarn in Arcadia.”

An Endless Series.

We see that a French book has been brought out called, “ La Betise
Humaine.” It is complete in one volume. This strikes us as a very
narrow field for all the hetes of the human race to gambol about in.
We suppose the subject of “La Betise Francaise” is reserved for
future volumes. If so, we are afraid that few of us will ever live to
see the completion of the work.

animal enjoyment.

An epicure recommends cucumber to be eaten with salmon, for the
reason that it enlarges the pleasures of the palate, by enabling man to
enjoy the delight of rumination.

“ A Sordid Existence.”—That led by King Damocles with the
sword continually suspended over his head.