Punch (42.1862)

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

63

February 15, 1862.]

PITY THE POOR HEATHEN!

he Paris correspondent of the
Star, a paper that takes a very
proper interest in the affairs of the
heathen world, says,—

“ Madame Fould will come out in
unparalleled magnificence in one ball,
in which she means to concentrate all
her efforts, as it will be the only one
given in the Hotel Fould this season,
where there will neither be public
reunions nor receptions. This is^ not
very well received by the Parisians.
They ascribe it to the English habits of
Madame Fould, who, according to
them, think that the whole entertain-
ment lies in the richness of the eatables
provided for the guests. Whatever
epicurean tendencies may be displayed
at dejeuners and dinners by the natives
over here, they care very little about
suppers, and would enjoy more a brisk
conversation in the evening than the Jinest
viands that the most accomplished cook is
capable of providing.”

0 brethren, what a melancholy
state of tilings do these little sen-
tences convey! The Parisians
prefer Jabbering to Jambon ah
St. Etienne, Chattering to cote-
let te semi-Provencal, Gabbling to
Gibier a la Georges Sand ! They
would sacrifice high art for the
sake of ventilating low wit. Alas,
alas ! And we send missionaries to Timbuctoo! But persevere, dear
Sister Fould, and in due time your efforts will be rewarded, and these
poor Parisians brought to a knowledge of better things.

“ VOLENTI NON PIT INJURIA.”

“Demand for amis-fit can’t be recovered, if you like to resist it.”—(Free Translation.)

OR, SIR EDWIN AND THE COATS.

“ COURT OF EXCHEQUER, Feb. 1.

“ (Before Mr. Baron Martin and a Common Jury.)

“ HALDANE AND ANOTHER V. SIR E. LANDSEER.

“ The plaintiffs are tailors, carrying on business at 29, Old Bond Street, and
sought to recover from the defendant,- Sir Edwin Landseer, the celebrated artist,
the sum of £10 18*., the prices of a surtout coat and dress coat supplied to him.

“ The coats being in court, Sir Edwin was asked to put them on, which he
readily assented to do.

“ One of the jurymen, being a tailor, was requested to go round to the witness-
box and examine the coats on the defendant’s back. A very short examination
seemed to satisfy him.

“ His Lordship summed up, saying that there was an obligation upon a trades-
man charging, as the plaintiffs appeared to have done, a full west-end price, to
supply a suitable article. The coat ought to be a properly fitting coat, and the
question for the jury was, under all the circumstances, whether the plaintiffs had
fulfilled that obligation. They had seen the coats on, and could judge for them-
selves.

“ The jury found a verdict for the defendant.”

Say shall a sleeve-board’s scion dare defy
Our man of men—our own R.A., Sib Edwin ?

Shall one, no kin to things that run or fly,—

(Save the ignoble goose, that doth his bread win)—

Assail the lord of feather and of fur,

The king of hoof and horn, of fang and fetloek ?

Shall cat (e’en with nine tails) ’gainst lion pur p
Shall shrimper a cock-salmon in his net lock F

No ! In the name of Impudence and Dignity !

Nor scales nor sword for this let Justice draw :

Jurymen, teach sartorial malignity
Its hope from Martin’s Laying down the Law.

Sir Edwin being human must wear clothes.

Were he but bird or beast—in fur or feather!

Presto ! the pencil flies, the colour flows.

And lo ! a coat defying time and weather,

Erom his own magic hand. Then, what a fit!

Then, to velvet gloss the nap had grown!

Nowhere a crease to show the uneasy sit,

Fine-drawn all over, yet no botching shown.

Alas ! He ’ll clothe our horses and our lap-dogs;

Make fur-coats for our “ Monarchs of the Glen ; ”

In wiry Highland dread-nought he ’ll enwrap dogs.

Terriers and collies—but he won’t dress men.

Not e’en himself, so must to th’ tailor drop :

Stand to be measured just like you or me:

Hear girth, and length, bawled out to all the shop :

Stoop to the yoke of tape both neck and knee.

Methinks when such an artist deigns to give
His limbs, dear to the Muses aud Apollo,

To mere sartorial hands, those hands should live
With skill unwonted : suits sublime should follow.

Each snip set to the job, from ninth of man
Should grow nine men, and each man good as nine.

In honour of the Muses, bent to scan
His clothes, loved of that sisterhood divine.

But no such inspiration—woe is me !—

Flowed from the Muse on Haldane or his Co.

Sir Edwin’s coats were horrible to see.

If he could stand in them, he could not go.

Beneath the arms they fretted his axillae :

Behind the neck they chafed his cerebellum,

Buttoned,—as in a vice squeezed his mamillae;

Unbuttoned,—dangled limp as rain-soaked vellum.

Sir Edwin groaned: they laughed his plaints to scorn:
The coats returned, they sent them, altered, back :
Worse waxed the fit, each time the coats were worn;

More slack what tight should be, more tight, what slack.

They said, the faults he found in fit and cut,

Were not faults of the coat, but him that wore :

Bade change his postures, nor thejx garments put
To tests coats never were put tlrbefore.

What may these postures be ? (he asks that sings)

Is’t that Sir Edwin in his lonelier hours,

Goes on all fours, flies, perches, squats, or springs,

Like the dumb things, that take life from his powers P

Strains he his coat-sleeves, eagle-like for flight
Spreading his vans ? cracks his continuations
By bounding stag-like down the heathery height F
Or bursts his buttons in hare’s-breadth saltations F

Or is it simple playfulness begets

Strange teats and bids him through an empty frame
Take headers d la Boucicault, or sets
The cumbrous easel, and o’ervaults the same F

Or is’t such inspiration doth o’erbear
His body, as the Pythoness bade speak:

To Delphic tripod turns his painting-chair,

And plants him in the middle of next week F

These things I know not—ne’er perchance shall know,
Wherefore Sir Edwin doth to antics fail;

Or what his antics are when he doth so;

Or whether he, in truth, doth so at all.

Halda.ne avouched it. But my faith is small
In him or in his Co.: our lathers’ plan
Required two witnesses for proof, and lo,

These two but make up two-ninths of a man.

And what is the ear’s witness to the eye’s F
But here the eye was ready; for behold,

Among the jury that the issue tries,

A Tailor in the panel, brisk and bold!

" Try on the coat! ” sudden the expert cried—

“ Try on the coat! ” echoed his brethren all.

Stern Martin bowed approval: on ’twas tried:

And stood misfit confessed, here large, here small—

“ Who buys a coat,” summed up the awful judge,

“ Buyeth a fit, or buys what none may wear.”

The tailor juryman approving nudge

Gave, at the words, to ribs of foreman near.

“ Is this a fit F—for a reply I pause—

Be there that think so let them say so now.

Or henceforth, ever after, hold their jaws.

Now, speak F ” “ None! ” said the foreman, with a bow.

“Ye find for the defendant p ” and again
The foreman bowed, and gleamed the twinkling eye
Of that sly tailor-juryman, as fain
To prick this rival sartor on the sly.

“ Verdict for the defendant—so you say.

And so say all of you ! ” and so they said—

And Haldane and his Co. went their sad way,

And home Sir Edwin took his laurelled head!