Punch (43.1862)

74

[August 23, 1862.

punch, or the London charivari.

Aunt Laura (ending her story). “And then the great cruel Wolf, after having devoured
Grandmamma, gnashed its horrid teeth and swallowed wp Little Red Ridinghood III

Kitty. “ And what became of the Cheesecakes l ”

A PLEA FRA’ LANCASHUR.

“ Dear, Poonch, mi friend, ev cum to u
To beg yur helping hand;

Weel knawin when the poor mons pressed,
Yur sure by him to stand.

“ Afore this Yanky war bruk oot
That’s made the cotton short,

We help’d oorsens, and neer axt nort,

Us scorned at such a thowt.

“But bit be bit the traps hev gone
These yurs we’d got togethur
Until tlieres nobbut left for uz,

But t’ wurkus, and nay better.

“ 1'he likes o uz wur niver used
At axin folkis favour;

But starvin wife and bairns, puir things,
Soon maks a mons will wavur.

“ And noo mi hert its breakin, Poonch,

Mi bairns ar wantin bred :

It maks me sae doonherted, that
I ni most wish me dead.

“No more at present can I say,

But ony help wots sent
Yur friends may vera wel be sure
Will not be gold misspent.”

“ Impost 16, 1862.”

THE FLIRT’S APOLOGY.

“ It does not do to keep one’s beau (let him
be even an Apollo Belvedere) always bent”—
on admiration.

PUNCH'S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.

Monday, August 11 th. In the House of Lords the Head Charwoman
took her seat on the Woolsack about two o’clock, and declared that it
was heart-breaking to see how the dust got into everything, and spoiled
a place that had cost so much money. Charwoman Briggs suggested
that the remarks did honour to the heart of the previous speaker, but
that it was no particular business of theirs. Charwoman Wobbler,
who had been sitting on the bottom of a reversed pail, moved, as an
amendment, to the cross bench. Beer was then introduced, drunk a
first time, and the vessel was ordered to stand upon the table. It being
suggested by a Chargirl that the pewter would make rings on the
walnut wood, notice was given that she had better shut up. The
House then rose, and was left scouring.

In the Commons, Window-cleaner Smith took a general survey of
the work to be performed, and made some severe strictures upon the
new works at Westminster Bridge, which tended to increase the
amount of dust. Assistant Jones said that lie was unable to detect
the utility of cleansing the windows until the Nobs should re-assemble,
but was vehemently called to order by Assistant Brown, who professed
the most unhesitating contempt for any person who having undertaken
a task, objected to complete it. Mr. Jones said he had made no ob-
jections, and suggested that in all probability it was Mr. Brown’s
desire to get his head punched. Mr. Brown having denied this, and
in the alternative, disputing the capability of Mr. Jones to perform that
office, an acrimonious debate occurred, which ended in mutual expla-
nations and beer.

Tuesday. In the Lords, Duster-in-Chief Robinson laid all the cushions
on the table, and retired early.

In the Commons, the debate on the utility of cleaning the windows
until after the winter was resumed by Mr. Putty, who said that in
another week they would be as dirty as they then were, especially if
that kind of weather were going to last. Mr. Grubble did not see
what call Mr. Putty had to make obnoxious remarks upon the weather.
He himself had cleaned the windows in that House for many years, and
could unhesitatingly affirm that there was always some kind of weather
or other. Mr. Dobbs expressed his unalterable conviction that Mr.
Putty had been, was, and always would be an old pump. Mr. Putty
said that those persons would in all probability be disappointed who
expected anything from a pig but a grunt. In reply to an inquiry who
i the honourable speaker meant by pigs, Mr. Putty recommended the
querist to find our, as in that case he would certainly know.

Wednesday. A petition was presented from Tommy and Ethelinda-
Augusta Clinch, younger children of Mrs. Clinch, of Westminster,
stating that their mother was engaged during the day in scouring the
Royal Gallery, and requesting that they might be permitted to be
present with her, as it was so dull to be locked up in an attic. A
considerable discussion arose, and Mrs. Clinch was called in and
examined by the Duster-in-Chief Robinson. She stated that she was
no party to the petition, but would feel gratification were it granted.
Being asked whether she would pledge herself for the decorous conduct
of the petitioners, she replied that she had not herself known much of
angels, except such as were seen in pictures and on tombstones, which
you were not like yourselves, and you could not expect children to be,
but though she said it as shouldn’t say it, two better conducted children
was not to be found in the liberties of Westminster. The assurance was
objected to as somewhat vague in terms, but upon the witness’s under-
taking that the petitioners would throw no stones at the statues or fres-
coes, and that personal correction should follow any screaming or other
objectionable demonstration, the prayer was granted until further notice.
Mrs. Duster Dobbins observed that there was no saying what good
the sight of them statues might perduce upon children, and it might
bend their minds to become painters or what-not. Mrs. Duster Flick
concurred, and related an anecdote in her own family, one of whose
members had become a respectable painter and glazier from inspirations
received while seeing a relative paint, a door.

In the Commons, the Head Charwoman stated that the cleaning that
chamber was another thing from cleaning the House of Lords, ana that
the state of the floor was perfectly awful. Charwoman Wobbler said
she believed that the Lords were much greater gentlemen than the
Commons, that they never wore a pair of shoes twice, and came to the
House in beautifully carpeted carriages, which explained the cleanli-
ness of it. Charwoman Briggs’s husband worked for a shoemaker,
and knew that some Members of Parliament had the meanness to let
their shoes be soled and heeled when wearing out. The Head Char-
woman observed that they were much more careful of their owu money
than of other people’s. Charwoman Wobbler replied that the Head
Charwoman might say that. The Head Charwoman was quite aware
of the fact that she might, and when she wanted information she should
apply to some other shop than Mrs. Wobbler’s for the article. Char-
woman Wobbler said that she had meant nothing. Charwoman
Briggs thought that if she meant nothing her best way would be to say
nothing. Charwoman Wobbler requested Charwoman Briggs to
mind her own business, adding, that there was such a thing as pretend-
ing to scour and leaving a place so that somebody else had to go after
one. An animated discussion arose, and the Head Charwoman exerted