DOI issue:
August 23, 1862
DOI Page / Citation link:https://doi.org/10.11588/diglit.16870#0083
75
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
August 23, 1862.]
her authority in vain, when the proceedings were brought to an end by a
message from Charwoman Wobbler’s husband, to the effect that if his
dinner were not ready in five minutes, the delay might not conduce to
Mrs. Wobbler’s physical comfort.
Thursday. A report was presented in the Lords upon the subject of
the admission to tne Royal Gallery yesterday granted to the younger
Clinches. Mrs. Duster Dobbins observed that she brought up the
matter unwillingly, having been strongly in favour of the admission,
but when she found that it had been stretched to include a kitten ana
a cart full of oyster-shells, she felt bound to mention as much. Mrs.
Clinch was again summoned, and stated that she had not thought
there was any harm in the kitt en, as it was blind and could not walk,
and had therefore been in the youngest petitioner’s pinafore all day.
Pressed on the oyster-shells, the witness fenced with the question, and
made a statement to the effect that they must have been left in the
House of Lords by one of the Bishops or the Lord Chancellor, as
no child of hers had brought them in. She was ordered into custody
of Duster Blobbens while Duster Dobbins was constituted a Com-
mission for the examination of Thomas Clinch. She shortly returned
and stated that the infant in question understood the nature of an oath,
an amount of education due to the emphatic conversation of his parents,
and that he had frankly admitted that the oyster-shells were the
leavings of his mother’s supper of the previous night. The witness
Clin ch denied this, and offered to bring in the whole Court in which
she lived to prove i hat she could not bear hoysters until there was a
baitch in the month, also volunteering a statement of her resolution to
teach Thomas Clinch a lesson which he would not easily forget.
Duster Buck then said she should interfere in the interest of the
petitioners, who appeared to have done no wrong. She moved that t he
oyster-shells be thrown away, and that unless Mrs. Clinch gave an
undertaking not to punish the petitioner Thomas, she be discharged
from her situation in that House. The undertaking having been given,
the matter dropped.
In the Commons a conference took place between the Housekeeper,
on the part of Government, and the scourers generally. The proceed-
ings were confined to a strong expression of opinion on the part of the
former lady that of all the lazy and careless people ever employed in that
edifice the present party showed themselves least mindful of their duty
to the country and the constitution, and to an intimation that whether
the floors were done or not done, the scourers would not come there
after that day. Some criticisms added by the Housekeeper upon the
character of the washing at certain points were given in a conversational
tone inaudible in the Gallery. Something like “all very fine talking”
reached us, as the Housekeeper left, but there was no further observa-
tion, and the increased vehemence of scrubbing induces us to believe
at once in the justice and the efficacy of the censure.
Friday. Mrs. Duster Dobbins wished to enter into a personal expla-
nation. It had been her misfortune, from her youth upwards, to be
afflicted with spagms, as was well known to her afflicted husband and
the whole of her neighbours. She scorned to deceive the House, and
was in the habit of carrying a small bottle of peppermint, in which there
was the slightest addition of gin. When engaged in her duties yesterday
afternoon, and feeling a recurrence of disagreeable sensations, she had
recourse to this remedy. A Party whom she could name, but would
rather not, had remarked in the most unfeeling manner, “Laying the
dust, old girl, eh P ” She was not an old girl, but a respectable married
woman, and her lines could be seen at Standrewobun, which they might
send for them if they liked, and she did not think that any one could be
expected to do their duty Dy them stained glasses if they were to be
agitated by personal remarks. The Head Duster thought that work
ought not to be interrupted to listen to botherations of that kind, and
if Mrs. Dobbins’s skin was so thin that she could not bear a joke, she
had better get a thicker. Mrs. Dobbins at once declined to accept
this advice, and should retire from the House. Mrs. Blobbins thought
it possible that they might contrive to find some consolation even
should such an event happen. Mrs. Dobbins was not in the least
anxious to be placed in possession of articles of such small intrinsic
value as Mrs. Blobbins’s thoughts. Mrs. Blick said that she could
probably bring a painful discussion to a pleasant termination. She had
keen the person to use the language complained of, but so far from
intending anything offensive to Mrs. Dobbins, whom indeed she had
always loved and venerated next to her own mother, she had intended
to finish her sentence by saying that she could offer her something
better to lay the dust with than that chemist’s stuff What she said
she meant, and no person could charge her with insincerity, and if
Mrs. Dobbins were agreeable, she would on the adjournment of the
House stand anything she liked to put a name to. Mbs. Dobbins,
much affected, begged pardon of everybody present, and in a voice
almost inaudible for sobs, lamented her sensitiveness, but protested
that her heart was in the right place. The Head Duster suggested
that if the last speaker’s duster were in the right place, instead
of being used in the light of a pocket handkerchief, it would be as well,
and Mrs. Dobbins, remarking that when people got up in the world
their arts too often got gruel and gallows, resumed her operations on
the stained window.
In the Commons, the Housekeeper, entering at half-past twelve,
expressed a feeling of satisfaction that the scourers had got out, mingled
with one of dissatisfaction at the way they had done their work. She
then moved the House into Committee, consisting of herself and two
housemaids, to consider how the table should be cleaned of the ink-
stains.. Miss Rosa Leigh said that the Ministers must be very dirty
men ; in tact, pigs. Why could they not wipe their pens on their coats,
or in their hair, instead of flinging them down, and making a mess of
the furniture? Miss Nelly Gray expressed a decided conviction that
they did not do such things at home, and she offered to be bound that
Lady Palmerston or Mrs. Gladstone would say something if they
saw an inky pen dashed down on their mahogany. Miss Leigh called
attention to the fact that there was very little ink on the opposition
side, which showed what she had always said, that the Tories were
gentlemen. Miss Grat said that it showed the notorious ignorance
of the Tories, who could not write, and so did not use pens. Miss
Leigh dared say. Miss Gray said we knew. Miss Leigh said we
knew a good deal, no doubt. The Housekeeper requested that they
would hold their silly tongues. The question was, how was that ink to
be got out P Miss Leigh said that she would advise sending for a
carpenter, and having the table planed. Miss Gray had heard a riddle
bearing on that—she forgot how it went; but it meant that the car-
penter would be much uglier after doing it, because he would be a deal
plainer. Miss Leigh said the table was not of deal. Miss Gray had
not said it was. Tbe Housekeeper had a good mind to try lemon juice.
Miss Leigh said that would play the juice and all with the colour, and
amid the laughter which this observation excited the House resumed,
the Housekeeper taking up her keys and porte-monnaie, and Miss
Leigh and Miss Gray polking together until they knocked up against
the Bar, when the House adjourned to dinner at one.
“ OH, MY TOE! ”
Correspondent of the Hampshire Advertiser, under
the initials of J. S., abuses us angrily for having as- i
cribed the sacrilegious abstraction of certain bits of
encaustic pavement at Netley Abbey, of which we
had been credibly informed, to archaeological acquisi-
tiveness. He charges us with “ malignity,” and with
speaking of antiquaries “ in a style that one would
scarce expect from a costermonger, and certainly not
from a gentleman.” We also are apparently meant
by him in describing certain visitors to Netley Abbey as “ those who
make a mock at truth, and for the sake of a laugh tear down those things
which, though trifling in themselves, are valued for their rarity by
those who really can appreciate them.” We cannot make out this
latter accusation, or understand on what it can be founded besides the
mere feeling which has inspired J. S. to vituperate us for suggesting
that the relics of which Netley Abbey was said to have been plundered,
had been stolen by antiquarian thieves. We are afraid we have trodden
on this gentleman’s corns.
“NOW THEN, YOU TWO!”
Alderman Binnis ! Alderman Binnis ! What, man, hast no
more reverence? What do we mean? Why, we mean this. The
newspapers say that a man was brought before you the other day, you
Magistrate, charged with sticking up a placard where he had no busi-
ness to put it, and that in the course of your objurgatory remarks,
you said
“ Every gentleman’s park paling is chalked over with puffs of Habper Twelve-
trees’s preparations. I wish I had Harper Twelvetrees in that dock. I’d let
him know, <fec. ”
Binnis, is this the way to talk of the great vermin-powder maker
and philanthropist ? Punch wonders that some prodigy did not happen.
He is surprised that the “little insects did not come out” of the
ceiling of the Court (there are plenty) “ and give piaise, rubbing their
legs together,” as was written in a delightful article in the CornhiU.
They must have exulted in this defiance of their enemy. We admit that
you have something of a grievance. Mr. Punch himself has been offended,
while serenely gazing upon a country hedge, and watching the small
birds, (and execrating the stupid clowns who kill them) at reading a vilely
written invitation to try Harper Twelvetrees’s something or other.
Mr. Punch has vainly tried to imagine a person who has recourse to
such vulgarities as a dignified philanthropist, who makes speeches, and
has hopes of Parliament. But the Dock, Binnis, would be rather a
strong measure. Let Twelvetrees, however, take the Aldermanic
hint, and abstain from chalking park palings, or, if he will do it, let him
write better, for his puffs are really scribbled in a way that revolts an
admirer of education. If he thinks to come into Parliament and be
smiled upon by Pam, he must improve his writing, for Palmerston
notoriously declares that “ a man who writes a bad hand is a fool.”
Consider this .Harper, and you, Binnis, be moderate in your wrath.
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
August 23, 1862.]
her authority in vain, when the proceedings were brought to an end by a
message from Charwoman Wobbler’s husband, to the effect that if his
dinner were not ready in five minutes, the delay might not conduce to
Mrs. Wobbler’s physical comfort.
Thursday. A report was presented in the Lords upon the subject of
the admission to tne Royal Gallery yesterday granted to the younger
Clinches. Mrs. Duster Dobbins observed that she brought up the
matter unwillingly, having been strongly in favour of the admission,
but when she found that it had been stretched to include a kitten ana
a cart full of oyster-shells, she felt bound to mention as much. Mrs.
Clinch was again summoned, and stated that she had not thought
there was any harm in the kitt en, as it was blind and could not walk,
and had therefore been in the youngest petitioner’s pinafore all day.
Pressed on the oyster-shells, the witness fenced with the question, and
made a statement to the effect that they must have been left in the
House of Lords by one of the Bishops or the Lord Chancellor, as
no child of hers had brought them in. She was ordered into custody
of Duster Blobbens while Duster Dobbins was constituted a Com-
mission for the examination of Thomas Clinch. She shortly returned
and stated that the infant in question understood the nature of an oath,
an amount of education due to the emphatic conversation of his parents,
and that he had frankly admitted that the oyster-shells were the
leavings of his mother’s supper of the previous night. The witness
Clin ch denied this, and offered to bring in the whole Court in which
she lived to prove i hat she could not bear hoysters until there was a
baitch in the month, also volunteering a statement of her resolution to
teach Thomas Clinch a lesson which he would not easily forget.
Duster Buck then said she should interfere in the interest of the
petitioners, who appeared to have done no wrong. She moved that t he
oyster-shells be thrown away, and that unless Mrs. Clinch gave an
undertaking not to punish the petitioner Thomas, she be discharged
from her situation in that House. The undertaking having been given,
the matter dropped.
In the Commons a conference took place between the Housekeeper,
on the part of Government, and the scourers generally. The proceed-
ings were confined to a strong expression of opinion on the part of the
former lady that of all the lazy and careless people ever employed in that
edifice the present party showed themselves least mindful of their duty
to the country and the constitution, and to an intimation that whether
the floors were done or not done, the scourers would not come there
after that day. Some criticisms added by the Housekeeper upon the
character of the washing at certain points were given in a conversational
tone inaudible in the Gallery. Something like “all very fine talking”
reached us, as the Housekeeper left, but there was no further observa-
tion, and the increased vehemence of scrubbing induces us to believe
at once in the justice and the efficacy of the censure.
Friday. Mrs. Duster Dobbins wished to enter into a personal expla-
nation. It had been her misfortune, from her youth upwards, to be
afflicted with spagms, as was well known to her afflicted husband and
the whole of her neighbours. She scorned to deceive the House, and
was in the habit of carrying a small bottle of peppermint, in which there
was the slightest addition of gin. When engaged in her duties yesterday
afternoon, and feeling a recurrence of disagreeable sensations, she had
recourse to this remedy. A Party whom she could name, but would
rather not, had remarked in the most unfeeling manner, “Laying the
dust, old girl, eh P ” She was not an old girl, but a respectable married
woman, and her lines could be seen at Standrewobun, which they might
send for them if they liked, and she did not think that any one could be
expected to do their duty Dy them stained glasses if they were to be
agitated by personal remarks. The Head Duster thought that work
ought not to be interrupted to listen to botherations of that kind, and
if Mrs. Dobbins’s skin was so thin that she could not bear a joke, she
had better get a thicker. Mrs. Dobbins at once declined to accept
this advice, and should retire from the House. Mrs. Blobbins thought
it possible that they might contrive to find some consolation even
should such an event happen. Mrs. Dobbins was not in the least
anxious to be placed in possession of articles of such small intrinsic
value as Mrs. Blobbins’s thoughts. Mrs. Blick said that she could
probably bring a painful discussion to a pleasant termination. She had
keen the person to use the language complained of, but so far from
intending anything offensive to Mrs. Dobbins, whom indeed she had
always loved and venerated next to her own mother, she had intended
to finish her sentence by saying that she could offer her something
better to lay the dust with than that chemist’s stuff What she said
she meant, and no person could charge her with insincerity, and if
Mrs. Dobbins were agreeable, she would on the adjournment of the
House stand anything she liked to put a name to. Mbs. Dobbins,
much affected, begged pardon of everybody present, and in a voice
almost inaudible for sobs, lamented her sensitiveness, but protested
that her heart was in the right place. The Head Duster suggested
that if the last speaker’s duster were in the right place, instead
of being used in the light of a pocket handkerchief, it would be as well,
and Mrs. Dobbins, remarking that when people got up in the world
their arts too often got gruel and gallows, resumed her operations on
the stained window.
In the Commons, the Housekeeper, entering at half-past twelve,
expressed a feeling of satisfaction that the scourers had got out, mingled
with one of dissatisfaction at the way they had done their work. She
then moved the House into Committee, consisting of herself and two
housemaids, to consider how the table should be cleaned of the ink-
stains.. Miss Rosa Leigh said that the Ministers must be very dirty
men ; in tact, pigs. Why could they not wipe their pens on their coats,
or in their hair, instead of flinging them down, and making a mess of
the furniture? Miss Nelly Gray expressed a decided conviction that
they did not do such things at home, and she offered to be bound that
Lady Palmerston or Mrs. Gladstone would say something if they
saw an inky pen dashed down on their mahogany. Miss Leigh called
attention to the fact that there was very little ink on the opposition
side, which showed what she had always said, that the Tories were
gentlemen. Miss Grat said that it showed the notorious ignorance
of the Tories, who could not write, and so did not use pens. Miss
Leigh dared say. Miss Gray said we knew. Miss Leigh said we
knew a good deal, no doubt. The Housekeeper requested that they
would hold their silly tongues. The question was, how was that ink to
be got out P Miss Leigh said that she would advise sending for a
carpenter, and having the table planed. Miss Gray had heard a riddle
bearing on that—she forgot how it went; but it meant that the car-
penter would be much uglier after doing it, because he would be a deal
plainer. Miss Leigh said the table was not of deal. Miss Gray had
not said it was. Tbe Housekeeper had a good mind to try lemon juice.
Miss Leigh said that would play the juice and all with the colour, and
amid the laughter which this observation excited the House resumed,
the Housekeeper taking up her keys and porte-monnaie, and Miss
Leigh and Miss Gray polking together until they knocked up against
the Bar, when the House adjourned to dinner at one.
“ OH, MY TOE! ”
Correspondent of the Hampshire Advertiser, under
the initials of J. S., abuses us angrily for having as- i
cribed the sacrilegious abstraction of certain bits of
encaustic pavement at Netley Abbey, of which we
had been credibly informed, to archaeological acquisi-
tiveness. He charges us with “ malignity,” and with
speaking of antiquaries “ in a style that one would
scarce expect from a costermonger, and certainly not
from a gentleman.” We also are apparently meant
by him in describing certain visitors to Netley Abbey as “ those who
make a mock at truth, and for the sake of a laugh tear down those things
which, though trifling in themselves, are valued for their rarity by
those who really can appreciate them.” We cannot make out this
latter accusation, or understand on what it can be founded besides the
mere feeling which has inspired J. S. to vituperate us for suggesting
that the relics of which Netley Abbey was said to have been plundered,
had been stolen by antiquarian thieves. We are afraid we have trodden
on this gentleman’s corns.
“NOW THEN, YOU TWO!”
Alderman Binnis ! Alderman Binnis ! What, man, hast no
more reverence? What do we mean? Why, we mean this. The
newspapers say that a man was brought before you the other day, you
Magistrate, charged with sticking up a placard where he had no busi-
ness to put it, and that in the course of your objurgatory remarks,
you said
“ Every gentleman’s park paling is chalked over with puffs of Habper Twelve-
trees’s preparations. I wish I had Harper Twelvetrees in that dock. I’d let
him know, <fec. ”
Binnis, is this the way to talk of the great vermin-powder maker
and philanthropist ? Punch wonders that some prodigy did not happen.
He is surprised that the “little insects did not come out” of the
ceiling of the Court (there are plenty) “ and give piaise, rubbing their
legs together,” as was written in a delightful article in the CornhiU.
They must have exulted in this defiance of their enemy. We admit that
you have something of a grievance. Mr. Punch himself has been offended,
while serenely gazing upon a country hedge, and watching the small
birds, (and execrating the stupid clowns who kill them) at reading a vilely
written invitation to try Harper Twelvetrees’s something or other.
Mr. Punch has vainly tried to imagine a person who has recourse to
such vulgarities as a dignified philanthropist, who makes speeches, and
has hopes of Parliament. But the Dock, Binnis, would be rather a
strong measure. Let Twelvetrees, however, take the Aldermanic
hint, and abstain from chalking park palings, or, if he will do it, let him
write better, for his puffs are really scribbled in a way that revolts an
admirer of education. If he thinks to come into Parliament and be
smiled upon by Pam, he must improve his writing, for Palmerston
notoriously declares that “ a man who writes a bad hand is a fool.”
Consider this .Harper, and you, Binnis, be moderate in your wrath.