DOI Heft:
September 20, 1862
DOI Seite / Zitierlink:https://doi.org/10.11588/diglit.16870#0125
118
[September 20, 1862.
PUNCH, OK THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
3rd Clerk. You *11 see. Be off with this message to Hoxton. It *s
been waiting here three hours.
S. B. Not till I’ve had my dinner if I know it and that’s all
about it. [Exit.
2nd Clerk. Nice lad that. Nothing to say for himself, oh, no !
1st Clerk. That ought to go off, you know.
2nd Clerk. 1 know nothing about it, except that it’s been lying there
since eleven o’clock, and that it is a thundering message to a doctor to
be off by the next train.
1st Clerk. Well, I ask you is it my fault ?
2nd Clerk. It’s nobody’s fault in particular, and everybody’s in
general, and we ’ll hope the doctor will be in time. Mind your
customer.
lszf Clerk. Well, Sir—cooked it ?
Mr. M. B. (who has been -fidgeting over his document, and making
faces, and showing much discomfort about it.) I—I think 1 have re-
duced it a little without making it quite so peremptory—how is it
now ?
1st Clerk. My dearest—urn—urn.
2nd Clerk. You stick to the polite, Sir? _ [Graciously.
Mr. M. H. Ladies require to be addressed with consideration, you
see. [Apologetically.
1st Clerk. Six shillings—seven and six in all.
Mr. M. H. (with a sigh). Well, so it must be. But, oh, yes, I beg
your pardon, when will this be delivered F
1st Clerk. Oh, some time to-night.
Mr. M. II. Ah, but that is very important! I would not send unless
you could guarantee that it would be delivered by nine, or at the latest
ten minutes past, as—as the lady retires at half-past nine, and I would
not have her disturbed on any account.
1st Clerk. We guarantee nothing, but I dessay you’ll hear that it’s
all right.
Mr. M. B. It is only three o’clock now. Surely the message could
go away at once.
2nd Clerk. Of course it could if the wire wasn’t wanted for anything
else, but we ’ll send it as soon as we can.
Mr. M. B. But you will assure me that it will go before five—surely,
a distance of thirty-six miles—
2nd Clerk. You see it ain’t all our line, there are two breaks, and we
can’t say what the other companies may do, but she’ll have it to-night,
and there’s nothing very pressing in it.
Mr. M. B. (reddening). That, allow me to say, is a matter on which
I must be permitted to have my own opinion.
2nd Clerk. Have it by all means. [Opens a walnut.
flr.M.B. (rising into wrath). And I must add that to put Forty-
winks on your list, and not be able to say that yon can send there in six
hours is a little more than inconsistent.
2nd Clerk. Well, you can write to the papers and say so. And as
the papers pay our salaries, of course we shall all get the sack.
Mr. M. B. The papers may not pay your salaries, but—ha! ha!
(with mild maliciousness) they shall pay you out. (Rushes away on de-
livering this annihilating smasher, and hurries up the street.)
2nd Clerk. Not so bad of the old muff, that. But he’s left his
dearest Mama-Jane paper behind him.
Re-enter Mr. M. H. very hot.
Mr. M. B. I left a paper here. I request its return.
.2nd Clerk. Did you, Sir? No. I think not, Sir? I do not see it,
Sir. Have you seen it, Brown ?
1^ Clerk. No, I haven’t, Robinson.
3rd Clerk. I think you must be in herror, Sir.
[They all gaze upon him with much politeness.
Mr. M. B. Then, I must have dropped it in the street.
2nd Clerk. Very likely, Sir. The public does those things occasionally.
Perhaps the finder will bring it here, and forward it at his own expense;
if so, it shall receive every attention, Sir.
Mr. M. B. This telegraph system is-
[Exit before completing his diagnosis.
COMPULSORY EATING AND DRINKING.
mend Punch,
“I do not question
the benevolent motives of
the United Kingdom Alli-
ance, and other tempe-
rance societies, that have
lately been holding their
conferences, but it strikes
me that they are some-
what peremptory, if not
tyrannical, in the enuncia-
tion of the various reforms
that they wish to see prac-
tically carried out.
“ Suppose that every
class of hobby-mongers
were as dictatorial as they.
The consequences would
probably be as confused a
cavalcade as the following:
“The vegetarians would
denounce the consumers
of animal food, and the
latter would inveigh just
as loudly against the
former. The vegetarians
would petition Parlia-
ment, praying that no one
should be allowed to take
the life of a periwinkle or
a sucking pig, whilst the
partakers of fish, flesh, and fowl, would, moved by the same charitable feelings,
call upon our legislative rulers to prevent the lovers of greens and carrots con-
demning themselves to a slow but certain death by persisting in such a wishy-
washy unnutritious diet.
“Again, the publicans, the wine-merchants, and the great brewers, might, with
as much justice, insist upon the teetotallers drinking nothing but spirits, wine,
and stout and porter, as the disciples of Father Mathew display in attempting to
exact a legislative enactment that, because they like water themselves, and believe
it to be the true fountain of health, so consequently that every one else, whether
they like it or not, shall drink nothing but water.
" We know how doctors disagree amongst themselves. Are the homoeopaths
then to bellow and agitate against the hvdropaths ? Are the allopaths to raise a
loud cry of grievance because there are a large class of medical dissenters who dare
to think and practise differently to themselves F
“ Are the believers, also, in certain infallible remedies to be continually waging
warfare with each other F Are the devotees of Momson to be perpetually pelting
with abuse the fanatics who place implicit faith in Hollo-
way ? Is Cockle to be incessantly arrayed in arms
against Old Parr, Dr. Jacob Townshend, Mr. Framp-
ton, and Dr. Jongh, each of whom devoutly believes that
he bolds in his pocket (money paid in advance) the only
true specific for arresting disease and prolonging human
life F Because Dr. Du Barry can prove in black and white
his ‘50,000,000 Certificated Cures,’ is that a reason why
we should all be compelled under strong penalties to take
for breakfast, luncheon, and dinner, nothing but his Reva-
lenta Arabica ? Kind angels, forbid !
“No, the days of prohibition are over, and let there be
Free Trade in eating and drinking as there is in everything
else. Let every one do as he pleases, and if a man is doing
himself an injury, the cure will in time work itself, for
punishment has a wonderful quick effect in hastening the
hour of correction. Is the Thames to be closed up, for-
sooth, because a few unhappy creatures commit suicide in
it every year ? Prevent them if you can, but do not prohibit
me, inasmuch as I do not entertain any particular craving
for shortening my days, from fishing, or rowing or bathing
in that noble river as often as I please. These United
Kingdom Alliance gentlemen are doubtlessly very good,
worthy, well-meaning gentlemen, but I do not want them
to dictate to me what I am to drink, nor to lay down laws
for my moral or dietetic guidance in any way whatsoever.
As for Parliament, it knows better than to interfere with
the liberty of the subject.
“ I am, dear Punch,
“ Yours, a true Independent Briton,
“John Brown.”
Going Great Lengths,
The Star is dissatisfied with Mr. Lincoln. It says,
“The President is all very well so far as he goes, but there
is not enough of him.” Yet he is nearly seven feet high.
However, we agree with our contemporary, that what
America wants is a great man.
twice crowned.
The readers of Parisian journals say that the beautiful
and devout Lady at the head of French politics happily
combines an inherited with an elective title. She is not
only the Empress of “the French,” but also of La
France.
[September 20, 1862.
PUNCH, OK THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
3rd Clerk. You *11 see. Be off with this message to Hoxton. It *s
been waiting here three hours.
S. B. Not till I’ve had my dinner if I know it and that’s all
about it. [Exit.
2nd Clerk. Nice lad that. Nothing to say for himself, oh, no !
1st Clerk. That ought to go off, you know.
2nd Clerk. 1 know nothing about it, except that it’s been lying there
since eleven o’clock, and that it is a thundering message to a doctor to
be off by the next train.
1st Clerk. Well, I ask you is it my fault ?
2nd Clerk. It’s nobody’s fault in particular, and everybody’s in
general, and we ’ll hope the doctor will be in time. Mind your
customer.
lszf Clerk. Well, Sir—cooked it ?
Mr. M. B. (who has been -fidgeting over his document, and making
faces, and showing much discomfort about it.) I—I think 1 have re-
duced it a little without making it quite so peremptory—how is it
now ?
1st Clerk. My dearest—urn—urn.
2nd Clerk. You stick to the polite, Sir? _ [Graciously.
Mr. M. H. Ladies require to be addressed with consideration, you
see. [Apologetically.
1st Clerk. Six shillings—seven and six in all.
Mr. M. H. (with a sigh). Well, so it must be. But, oh, yes, I beg
your pardon, when will this be delivered F
1st Clerk. Oh, some time to-night.
Mr. M. II. Ah, but that is very important! I would not send unless
you could guarantee that it would be delivered by nine, or at the latest
ten minutes past, as—as the lady retires at half-past nine, and I would
not have her disturbed on any account.
1st Clerk. We guarantee nothing, but I dessay you’ll hear that it’s
all right.
Mr. M. B. It is only three o’clock now. Surely the message could
go away at once.
2nd Clerk. Of course it could if the wire wasn’t wanted for anything
else, but we ’ll send it as soon as we can.
Mr. M. B. But you will assure me that it will go before five—surely,
a distance of thirty-six miles—
2nd Clerk. You see it ain’t all our line, there are two breaks, and we
can’t say what the other companies may do, but she’ll have it to-night,
and there’s nothing very pressing in it.
Mr. M. B. (reddening). That, allow me to say, is a matter on which
I must be permitted to have my own opinion.
2nd Clerk. Have it by all means. [Opens a walnut.
flr.M.B. (rising into wrath). And I must add that to put Forty-
winks on your list, and not be able to say that yon can send there in six
hours is a little more than inconsistent.
2nd Clerk. Well, you can write to the papers and say so. And as
the papers pay our salaries, of course we shall all get the sack.
Mr. M. B. The papers may not pay your salaries, but—ha! ha!
(with mild maliciousness) they shall pay you out. (Rushes away on de-
livering this annihilating smasher, and hurries up the street.)
2nd Clerk. Not so bad of the old muff, that. But he’s left his
dearest Mama-Jane paper behind him.
Re-enter Mr. M. H. very hot.
Mr. M. B. I left a paper here. I request its return.
.2nd Clerk. Did you, Sir? No. I think not, Sir? I do not see it,
Sir. Have you seen it, Brown ?
1^ Clerk. No, I haven’t, Robinson.
3rd Clerk. I think you must be in herror, Sir.
[They all gaze upon him with much politeness.
Mr. M. B. Then, I must have dropped it in the street.
2nd Clerk. Very likely, Sir. The public does those things occasionally.
Perhaps the finder will bring it here, and forward it at his own expense;
if so, it shall receive every attention, Sir.
Mr. M. B. This telegraph system is-
[Exit before completing his diagnosis.
COMPULSORY EATING AND DRINKING.
mend Punch,
“I do not question
the benevolent motives of
the United Kingdom Alli-
ance, and other tempe-
rance societies, that have
lately been holding their
conferences, but it strikes
me that they are some-
what peremptory, if not
tyrannical, in the enuncia-
tion of the various reforms
that they wish to see prac-
tically carried out.
“ Suppose that every
class of hobby-mongers
were as dictatorial as they.
The consequences would
probably be as confused a
cavalcade as the following:
“The vegetarians would
denounce the consumers
of animal food, and the
latter would inveigh just
as loudly against the
former. The vegetarians
would petition Parlia-
ment, praying that no one
should be allowed to take
the life of a periwinkle or
a sucking pig, whilst the
partakers of fish, flesh, and fowl, would, moved by the same charitable feelings,
call upon our legislative rulers to prevent the lovers of greens and carrots con-
demning themselves to a slow but certain death by persisting in such a wishy-
washy unnutritious diet.
“Again, the publicans, the wine-merchants, and the great brewers, might, with
as much justice, insist upon the teetotallers drinking nothing but spirits, wine,
and stout and porter, as the disciples of Father Mathew display in attempting to
exact a legislative enactment that, because they like water themselves, and believe
it to be the true fountain of health, so consequently that every one else, whether
they like it or not, shall drink nothing but water.
" We know how doctors disagree amongst themselves. Are the homoeopaths
then to bellow and agitate against the hvdropaths ? Are the allopaths to raise a
loud cry of grievance because there are a large class of medical dissenters who dare
to think and practise differently to themselves F
“ Are the believers, also, in certain infallible remedies to be continually waging
warfare with each other F Are the devotees of Momson to be perpetually pelting
with abuse the fanatics who place implicit faith in Hollo-
way ? Is Cockle to be incessantly arrayed in arms
against Old Parr, Dr. Jacob Townshend, Mr. Framp-
ton, and Dr. Jongh, each of whom devoutly believes that
he bolds in his pocket (money paid in advance) the only
true specific for arresting disease and prolonging human
life F Because Dr. Du Barry can prove in black and white
his ‘50,000,000 Certificated Cures,’ is that a reason why
we should all be compelled under strong penalties to take
for breakfast, luncheon, and dinner, nothing but his Reva-
lenta Arabica ? Kind angels, forbid !
“No, the days of prohibition are over, and let there be
Free Trade in eating and drinking as there is in everything
else. Let every one do as he pleases, and if a man is doing
himself an injury, the cure will in time work itself, for
punishment has a wonderful quick effect in hastening the
hour of correction. Is the Thames to be closed up, for-
sooth, because a few unhappy creatures commit suicide in
it every year ? Prevent them if you can, but do not prohibit
me, inasmuch as I do not entertain any particular craving
for shortening my days, from fishing, or rowing or bathing
in that noble river as often as I please. These United
Kingdom Alliance gentlemen are doubtlessly very good,
worthy, well-meaning gentlemen, but I do not want them
to dictate to me what I am to drink, nor to lay down laws
for my moral or dietetic guidance in any way whatsoever.
As for Parliament, it knows better than to interfere with
the liberty of the subject.
“ I am, dear Punch,
“ Yours, a true Independent Briton,
“John Brown.”
Going Great Lengths,
The Star is dissatisfied with Mr. Lincoln. It says,
“The President is all very well so far as he goes, but there
is not enough of him.” Yet he is nearly seven feet high.
However, we agree with our contemporary, that what
America wants is a great man.
twice crowned.
The readers of Parisian journals say that the beautiful
and devout Lady at the head of French politics happily
combines an inherited with an elective title. She is not
only the Empress of “the French,” but also of La
France.