Punch (44.1863)

134

[March 28, 1863.

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

“PRAVE ’ORDS! ”—Shakspeare.
Hairdresser. “Hem! Shall I make the di-vi-sion cen-iral, Sir ? ’

THE COUNTER AND THE CHURCH.

The linendrapers have been doing a good stroke of
business Jately. Besides the Royal Wedding, which has
helped them to clear out all their old stock of white ribbons,
the ceremony of Confirmation, which at this season is
solemnised, has been turned to good account by them in the
way of business. _ “ Confirmation caps ” have been dis-
played in every window, and at one shop—we beg pardon,
we mean to say Establishment—we saw “Confirmation
Muslins” priced at one shilling per yard, while “ Superior
Swiss Embroidered Confirmation Robes ” were announced
as being sold as low as one-and-six.

Now, if ladies be attracted by announcements such as
these, why don’t the drapers carry out the dodge a little
further, and turn to trade account some other Church
observances ? “ Crinolines for Churchings ” would be
a taking placard to stick up in a shop-front, and “ Bom-
bazines eor Baptism” would look very well beside it.
A hundred of the like attractive catch-lines might be
thought of, having some connection with the ceremonies of
the Church; but we abstain from doing more than merely
throwing out the hint, because upon the whole we think
that such announcements somewhat savour of profanity, and
we don’t care much to help an advertising tradesman who
tries to make a profit out of pure religion, and turns to
trade account the orders aud solemnities appointed by the
Church.

DANGEROUS DONKEY RIDING.

That instructive sporting writer, Argus, in an article
relative to the Grand National Steeple-chace, observes :—

“ Jerusalem, over a natural country, would cut a good figure, I
believe, but here the fences are too small and intricate to suit him,
and at the finish something speedier is certain to be found.”

In an ordinary race wherein the competitors belong to
that particular species of the equine genus to which the
term Jerusalem is commonly applied, the successful can-
didate is the hindmost. If the same rule obtains in a
steeple-chace, contested by the same long-eared quadrupeds,
the individual Jerusalem above-named ought to stand a
chance. That is to say, unless that steeple-chace is, as most
steeple-chaces may perhaps be said to be, one iu which
the riders and not the ridden are to be ranked under a
denomination convertible with that of “ Jerusalem pony.”

THE ARMSTRONG PACIFICATOR.

Hear ye glad tidings, Doves of Peace, and greet, with loving coo,
Will Armstrong’s last new cannon, a peculiar boon to you;

There’s not a mail-clad man-of-war on Ocean’s breast that rides,

But this great gun will knock a hole slap through her iron sides.

Six hundred pounds the shot, it throws ; five hundred odd the shell;
One crash ! and an invading crew goes whither who can tell ?

A strong arm ’twas, the Titans that from high Olympus drove :
Armstrong hurls bigger thunderbolts than Vulcan forged for Jove.

And whom, if delegated power of thunder man might wield.

Should might supreme intrust with force to smash the stoutest shield.
But those the graut would never tempt to strike a needless blow,

Who fight but to annihilate aggression in a foe ?

Conditions upon all mankind could Armstrong guns impose,

Yet wTe might bring Grand Customs of Dahomey to a close,

Enforce, for all the negroes, all the rights of human souls;

Compose the strife of North and South: emancipate the Poles.

Our ordnance irresistible, meanwhile, we shall but aim

The hearths and homes of England to protect from sword and flame ;

And so, whilst hostile armaments our coasts and harbours shun,

Ye Peacemakers, rejoice in our Pacificator gun !

“ Carpenter's Encyclopaedia.”

A Gentleman with a fine ear for music, who has an acute horror for
barrel organs and all discordant sounds, says be is extremely glad that
the festivities have come to an end ; for whilst the booths were being
erected and being pulled down, the incessant noise made him imagine
that he was not so much in London as in Hammersmith.

Pood eor Laughter.—Roar Material.

A STRANGE SIGHT IN SUEEOLK.

“ I sah. Punch, owd frind, du yow now of any chap as want a real
live Curosity ? Cos jist yow look at this here parrygraft as my Bor
jim have cut out of a peayper we git here in Soffolk, called the Hales-
worth Times. Yow see it’s A report of how our fokes enjyed emselves
the day the prence git Marrid to the prencess Alexunderer—

“ walberswick.

“ A Large booth was erected on the gi'een> vvith the boats, spars, sails, <tc. At
noon the young men brought their firing pieces, and a right royal salute of 120 guns
was fired. At 3 p.m. the children of the parish, without distinction of rank or
creed, to the number of nearly ninety (including one nearly ninety years of age,
Martha Elmy, who walked all the way from Blythborough, four miles, to take
part in the amusements) sat down to tea. After which nearly all the rest of the
parish (to the number of 126) took tea; those who were unable to attend from
sickness bad theirs sent to them.”

“ A sfammun owd * Child ’ that un, if she be what they say she be 1
I niver hard afore of a ‘child’ being ommost ninety year of age!
I wonder if she come from Blybrer in a pinafore, and if she’ve
A child’s liking still for lollipops and suckers ? IVell, there be
stammuti sights in Lunnon that ere weddun dah, I’m towd, but ’strues-
youreborn, I blieve there wornt uit nawtlnm half so strornary to see,
as this here ninety year old ‘ child’ of owrn in Suffolk.

“ I remain owd friend, yar constant reeder,

“ Holser, Thuzday mornun.” “ Gabrill Grub.”

The Cost of Active Sympathy.

Unfortunately we cannot afford to draw the sword against Russia
in aid of Poland. The expenses of the war would not only require the
increase of the Income-Tax, but would also necessitate the imposition
of a Pole-Tax.

Horticultural.—Note for March.—Slips of the Tongue should be
planted in the teeth of the Wind.