Punch (44.1863)

May 23, 1863.1

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

207

Ticket Clerk. “ Where for, Ma’am ?”

Old Lady. ‘‘ There! Lawk a mercy if I haven't forgot.

a few of the willages on this Railway, will yer! ” [Bell rings—Old Lady is swept away.

SCHOLARS IN THE ARMY.

The authorities of the Horse Guards have issued a
programme of the branches of learning in which they
require every candidate for a direct commission to pass
aii examination. Latin and Greek, Mathematics,
English, French, History, Sciences, Drawing. These
are the divisions of human knowledge, in each of which
the candidate is invited to attain proficiency; but he is
absolutely required to be somewhat up in Mathematics,
and in his native language. Henceforth, therefore, it
will be necessary that the head of the British officer
should contain some brains; but the practice of the
military profession essentially consists in exposing brains
to be blown out. Any intelligent brain has a natural
objection t,o this exposure of itself, and that objection is
overruled by a strong sense of duty when the officer who
feels it remains under fire. Even then it is calculated
to disturb the cool self-possession which it is desirable
for him to maintain.

Courage, your Honours, what is it ? May it please
your Honours, courage is the capability of an impulse of
opposition excited by danger, excluding consideration
of the consequences of danger. Its measure is, cceteris
paribus, the excess of combativeness over caution. Your
honours expect an officer in future to know the meaning
of cceteris paribus ; so of course you understand that, in
the case of two men respectively endowed with
caution and combativeness in the same proportions, their
courage will be equal provided that their intellects,
among other things, are also equal; and not else. Other
things
braver.

Your candidate who has studied the sciences has
learned to forecast the effects of causes. It may be well
that, on duty, an officer should not always think too
much about them. In action, for example, his mind
should not be too keenly alive to the effects of rifle
bullets and cannon shot, and jagged pieces of iron, shell,
on bones, nerves, bloodvessels and viscera. You exact
certificates of preliminary theological attainments.
Except in the case of a mditary saint, secure of the
future, is knowledge of that kind, attended with belief
in it, likely to augment intrepidity in the cannon’s
mouth ?

Considering these things, would it not be as well if
your Honours were to limit the number of the regiments
whrse officers you necessitate to be educated, and at
Oh! Mister, please mm over j least maintain a considerable Blockheads’ Brigade,

being equal, the stupider man will be the

and a large Division of Dunces ?

PUNCH'S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.

May 11, Monday. Mr. Punch fears—no, not fears, for, like the im-
mortal Panurge, he swears by the Pavilion of Mars that he fears
nothing but danger—but he believes it possible that as this record is
written while nobody is thinking of anything but the Derby, and will
be read (for the first time), in the midst of similar circumstances, the
Essence may, for once, partake of the flavour of the Jockey Club
perfume. Very well, go to.

This evening in the Lords, Lord Normanby—by the way, his name
rhymes to Thormanby, who put some of you in the hole, eh, do you
remember that Derby day ?—presented a petition from the reverend
father of Mr. James Bishop, who is now locked up in the fortress of
Alessandria, for treason against the King of Italy. If Mr. Bishop had
done in Federalia or Confederalia, or in Poland, or in India when we
were crushing the Sepoys, what he was pleased to do in Italy; namely,
convey treasonable correspondence, he would simply have been hanged
up there and then. Talking of Italy, Maccaroni has some good friends
—O, Bishop. Yes, well, he is in prison, but is very well treated and
will soon be pardoned, for the Duke op Sutherland said, not very
politely, that “ Mr. Bishop was considered to have a weak head, and
to be a friend of Lord Normanby.”

Lord Palmerston (what do you say about his horse, Baldwin?—what
fun if he should do the trick, and master and horse both have Blue
Ribbons), said that he believed Prince William would be King of
Greece. He didn’t say anything about King of Utopia, but then nobody
asked him anything. That beast is Whittaker’s, whose horse was
beaten by Pam’s Spencer, at Bath, on Tuesday. Then the House went
at the Budget, but you don’t want to hear anything about that, espe-
cially as nothing of any interest occurred.

Tuesday. The City is now taking itself in hand, and a Bill giving the

Lord Mayor the most tremendous power over the traffic went through
Committee in the Lords to-night. The Van Demons will, we hope,
be exorcised—no, not exercised, Cox, we exercise race-horses—will you
do anything about Tom Fool ? Lord Derby suggested that empty
cabs should be prohibited from loitering.

Lord C. Paget explained that Captain Inglefield, R.N., had
been grossly libelled in a sensation account of a flogging, a report which
had been written by slanderers, and written on by Gushers, as usual.
Nevertheless, fond as we are of cats, we hold, with sailors, that the
animal ought, not to be seen on board a ship, especially as we are glad
to say that the Bill for flogging Street Ruffians has been read in the
Commons a Third Time and passed this week. It will be a saleguard—
and talking of that, does anybody knew anything about Safeguard?
At this present writing lie’s at 1000 to 2, so can hardly be called a
favourite. .

Mr. Roebuck brought up the case of the removed Ionian J udges,
and he was exceedingly roebuckian in his language, calling Sir Henry
Storks a rude and ill-conditioned soldier, and saying that the Duke
of Newcastle was one of the persons whom experience was falsely
said to make wise. The Government answer was satisfactory, and if
anybody wants to know why George Marcorras, or Mark Horace,
and Typaldo Xydras were not continued in their offices, lie had better
see what Mr. Gladstone said. We don’t care about either Greek,
but are open to a bet on Trojanus, or indeed Scamander.

Then there was a debate about waste lands in India, and the pro
ceedings of Lord Canning in reference thereto. Mr. H. Seymour
opened the subject, and Mr. Smollett, a Scotch Member, followed
him like a gillie. Gillie’s, at 10 to 1 while we write, and if he wins he
shall be called gilliflower.

Mr. Ewart brought in a Bill for introducing what the less educated
call the system of Dismals into our arithmetic. It will be highly con-
venient in betting, which is apt to run in tens.