Punch (44.1863)

178

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[May 2, 1863.

Tuesday. Mb. Roebuck gave notice that when the Income-Tax
resolution came on, he should move that the Tax on precarious
should be lower than that on permanent incomes. He did so, later,
*nd Mb,. Gladstone opened the flood-gates of sophistry to their
widest yawn to prove that two and two make five, but popular instinct
is in favour of Mb. Roebuck’s resolution.

Certainly, Sib Chables Wood, pay the travelling expenses of those
gallant sergeants of the 78th Highlanders who, as you truly say, paid
a touching tribute to their old commander, Sib James Outbam, in
volunteering to bear him to his grave. They never thought about the
money, and that is the more reason why you should send it to the
brave fellows.

Lobd Palmebston spoke strongly in reference to the Polish
Amnesty, and “ hoped ” that the largest interpretation was to be put
upon it, adding, that the Russians in Poland had committed so many
acts of “ ferocious violence, that there is a great arrear of mercy and
indulgence necessary to set the Russian Government right with public
opinion in Europe.” {Cheers.) We should think there were cheers. _

Then came forth St. George, whose name is Gbey, to do battle with
the giants Gog and Magog. He moved for leave to bring in his Bill for
Amalgamating the Police of the City with that of the Metropolis,
Sidney, Alderman, threw himself into the fray with a courage worthy
his namesake, Philip Algebnon, who, as most vestrymen know,
wrote Arcadia, was tried for the Rye-house plot, was wounded at
Zutphen in 1586, and was beheaded on Tower Hill, in 1683. The fury
with which our friend of the teapots charged the Government was
equalled only by the savageness with which he trampled on the H’s
which he dropped. The Lobd Mayob Rose also acquitted him as
became a dynastic descendant of Lobd Mayob Walworth. Other
champions fought for the preservation of the City prerogative, and on
the other side Lobd A. Paget made one of those jolly speeches for
which he is celebrated, and earnestly begged that his supporting the
Bill might not prevent his being frequently asked to civic dinners.
Leave was given to bring in the Bill, but it will be fought at every
stage. The best thing of the night was the taunt flung at Sib Geobge,
that, he meddled with police only instead of tackling the whole Corpo-
ration and reforming it.

Wednesday. A Bill was read a Second Time, which we hope will be
read a Third Time and passed, because it is a just Bill. It is a measure
for limiting the liability of hotel-keepers to make good losses sustained
under their roof. We have not the slightest objection to their being
liable, if they have fair play, for they ought to have no servants of
dubious character, and we ought to be able to take our ease in our
inn. But it is a little too much for a half-tipsy guest to throw a roll
of bank-notes under the bed, or into a chimney vase, and go to sleep,
utterly forgetful where he put them, and next day call on the landlord to
pay the alleged amount. Also it is a little too much for an effeminate
swell to litter his tables with the contents of his jewel-box, and walk
languidly out, leaving his door open, and then to come down on the hotel-
keeper for eighty guineas for some bit of diamond foolery that another
guest, of dishonest character, has seen and annexed. The proposed rule
is that the hotel-keeper shall be answerable only to the extent of £20,
except for what has been confided to his safe keeping. The figure is
perhaps too low. We wear a watch which we certainly should not
part with to any landlord at night, and which we value at £217 15s. 6d.,
its intrinsic value being the fraction, and the balance in the estimate
arising from the tact, that we picked a gentleman’s pocket of the article
on the very day that our Judina had consented to become Mrs. Punch.
Ot her gentlemen may have watches of an expensive character, which
they may have purchased from our friend Mb. Bennett of Cornhill
(our eye, that’s a Puff), or elsewhere. But that there should be a
limitation of liability is certain, and the ingenious rascality which at
present is exercised in obtaining compensation for fictitious losses
should receive a hint to employ itself in some other direction. The
House divided, in rather large numbers, and the Second Reading was
carried only by 36 in a house of 306, which shows that a good many
territorial landlords have no sympathy for the landlords of the hostelry.

Ihursday. The Evil Smells Bill went through Committee, and Lobd
Derby showed his astuteness by compelling the omission of a clause
which would have enabled a rich man, by appeals, to weary and starve
out those who sought to protect their noses.

The first public act of the new Secretaby op State fob Wab was
to move the SecondReading of a Bill abolishing the Secbetaby-at-Wab,
who is practically a myth. Eabl Gbey disapproved of everything in a
general way, but would not oppose this shadowy suicide.

An American debate followed, and Eabl Russell made a good
speech, saying that he was acting with the utmost caution in reference
to the proceedings of the Yankee cruisers, but that he was calling
Mb. Seward to account for what was illegal, and also for the conduct
ol Mb. Adams in granting gracious protection to certain English
vessels, thereby implying that others were liable to be seized.

The Commons had also a debate on the same serious subject, and
Mb. Roebuck burst out with a fierce condemnation of the Federals,
whom he declared “ unfit for the government of themselves, and for the
courtesies and the community of the civilised World.” He said that

they had “ humiliated ” the people of England, that their governors
were “ insolent” people, and that our commerce “ ought not to be sub-
ject to the overbearing domination and insolence of a race like that.”
Mb. Roebuck, then, speaking for the people of England, announced
“ that he was prepared for war.” Mb. Crawford said that he felt
dislike and disgust at such language Ministerial explanations, similar
to Earl Russell’s were given. Mr. Malins “ was himself humiliated
every morning,”—he did not mention at what o’clock, and Mr. Bernal
Osborne characterised the debate raised by the “ two warlike lawyers ”
as mischievous, and professed his confidence in Lord Palmerston,
who was not at present prepared to state what decision he had come to
with respect to the conduct of the Americans.

The sum of £50,000 was then voted as a present to Her Majesty
in aid of the fund for erecting a Cross in memory of the late Prince
Consort, and the sum of £85,000 as prize money to the Soldiers and
Sailors who were in the expedition to Kertcli and Yenikale, during the
Crimean war, and as this operation took place in May, 1855, the
respected authorities cannot justly be accused of precipitancy in hand-
ing over the hard-earned cash—which under the circumstances Mb.
Charles Reade would call Very Hard Cash.

Friday. Recording the proceedings in the Commons on Wednesday,
February 18, Mr. Punch had the honour to observe “Mb. Hadfield
just squeezed in an Abolition of Church-maintaining Oaths Bill. . . .
It will not pass.” To-night it was cast out, by the Lords, by 69 to 57.
When was Mr. Punch wrong ? The Lords were, however, in insisting
on retaining a useless ceremony.

The Solicitor-General stated that merchant-vessels had no right
to defend themselves by force of arms, and if they did so, and were
taken, they became liable to condemnation. So Guzzling Jack,
Gorging Jimmy, and Little Billee must restrain their valour the
next time they sail from Bristol city with beef, captain’s biscuit, and
pickled pork.

Ha! Henley to the rescue of Gog and Magog. He means to fight
the Bill for turning a Peeler into an Amalgam.

Mb. Gladstone has converted himself once more on a budget
question, and the Vans that crawl to Hampton Court are not to be
taxed to please the Omnibus-owners.

Mb. Stirling brought up the case of Jessie M'Lachlan, and urged
that the commutation of the sentence threw an unjust slur upon the
character of the elder Mr. Fleming. Sir George Grey defended
himself, and said that the circumstances which came out after the
trial, though they did not criminate Mr. Fleming, justified the
remission, which he declared, and some Scottish Members denied, to
have been called for by public opinion in the North.

More American debating, Mb. Cobden strong for helping the
Federals by rigid enforcement of the law, Mr. Horsfall earnestly
complaining of the seizure of the Alexandra, the Attorney-General
defending that course, Mr. Hobsman delivering a slashing anti-
American speech, and Mr. Monckton Milnes urging that it was not
for England, powerful, prosperous, and armed to the teeth, to court
war with a nation in an agony for existence. This was a generous
utterance by a large-hearted man, but if even a poor patient in a
sick bed hits out viciously, the most humane doctor calls for the strait-
waistcoat.

SOMETHING FOR MR. SOMES.

The Sunday Bill of Mr. Somes,

Will be no boon to workmen’s spouses,
Their husbands drunk in private homes,
Because shut out of public-houses.

And if a beershop is a curse,

Than beer there is an evil greater :

You ’ll drive men farther to do worse,

My Sabbatarian Legislator.

No; lure them from the coarse carouse;

Of bars to better pastime free ’em;
And don’t shut up the Public House;
But open Gallery and Museum.

Domestic Tragedy.

In the neighbourhood of Hounslow, a gentleman coming home rather
later than usual, was blown up by his wife in the dark. The wretched
woman then furiously turned on the gas, which had, as far as we can
learn, done nothing to offend her.

the greatest rarity of all.

You say it is extremely difficult ever to meet with a contented
farmer; but we know a greater difficulty, a still greater rarity even
than that to meet with—and that is, a Contented Irishman!