Punch (44.1863)

June 20, 1863.j

256

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI,

UNREVEALED MYSTERIES.

i

Sir Lascelles Wraxall has given to the public an interesting and
amusing book entitled Remarkable Adventures and Unrevealed Mysteries.
The motto of the work is “ The World ’s mine Oyster ” ; and each rogue
appears to have found the oyster a mine of wealth, or we may rather say
to have discovered in it two pearls differing vastly from one another.
The first pearl was the precious stone that raised the impostor up to a
dizzy height, and the second was the purl that threw him down again
after that first hoister. But without trying back to Cagliostro, Rug-
giero & Co., there is many a modern Social Mystery upon which the
author has not touched, though as impenetrable as the secret of the
Iron Mask, and as unlikely ever to be discovered.* We have turned
our attention to this quarter, and may say by way of preface, that, “ The
following work is the result of many years random running about town.
That the scene of so many of the adventures is in London, may be
explained partly by the fact, that the author has seldom been absent
from the vast Metropolis; and partly because such a swarm of weak
rich gulls reside there, who are, as it were, the predestined prey of all
those ingenious individuals who make a livelihood, not so much, as has
been said, by the possession of wits themselves, as by the want of wits
in others.”

CHAPTER I.

The Wenns.—The First Unrevealed Mystery.

The Wenns—Their First Appearance—Wenn’s Employment—Salary—Residence-
Reports about the Family—Wenn’s Sons—First Night of the Opera—The Royal
Box—Their Daughter’s Marriage—Curious Question as to the Settlement—Real
Plate—Dinners — Purity of Character — Accomplishments — Disappearance —
Mystery still unrevealed.

The Wenns first appeared in the social circles of London about the
year of the first Great Exhibition. Their origin was not then known,
and has never since been clearly ascertained. Some say that Mrs.
Wenn was a Miss Ware, while others try to identify her with a young
lady of the name of How. The reader may adopt whichever supposi-
tion he pleases; for both are, we believe, equally erroneous. If a
general haziness did surround this family, a sort of mist that might
be expected to hang about the persons of those who had but lately
emerged from under a cloud, there was at all events one thing as clear
as the sunniest day; namely, that Mr. Wenn held a far from lucrative
appointment in a Government office. Everybody seemed also to know J
that the salary which Mr. Wenn received was the entire support of
himself, Mrs. Wenn, and four children, the eldest of whom was a boy '
sixteen years old. The majority put the sum down at three hundred
per annum, and nobody ever yet went over four. And yet what were
the marvellous facts connected with the Wenns’ existence? They
lived in a handsomely furnished. house on the Bays water side of Hyde
Park; they kept a man servant’and a page, and whenever we saw them,
were driving in a well-appointed carriage with a couple of horses. The
crest on the panels was not their crest; but whose was the vehicle ? If
there was a new opera brought out, Mrs. Wenn, radiant with jewellery,
smiled upon us from a box in the centre of the grand tier; and Mr.
Wenn, gorgeous as to his shirt-front, motioned towards our stall with
a fat well kidded hand, while evidently saying to his wife, “ Ah! there’s
Towzer.” Every new production at any one of our west-end theatres was
invariably patronised by the Wenns, whose plaudits were always heard
to issue from the most aristocratic and expensive part of the house—
sometimes from the seats of even Royalty itself; but be it understood
that on these occasions Royalty was absent, abdicating, doubtlessly, in
favour of the Wenns. They dined out a great deal in the Season, and
disported themselves at balls and parties in and above their own sphere.
How did they do it? His boys, who were well educated (and this
does n’t cost a trifle by the way) have received appointments ordinarily
difficult to obtain, or been placed in commercial firms in which scarcely
any amount of money could purchase a share. Their daughter has
married well. What did Wenn give her ? Did the secret of their
existence transpire at that time ? We are not to be deceived by hired
plate, the grocer and talented assistants at five shillings a head in Berlin
gloves; but on the nights that we feasted at Wenn’s, there was nothing
of this—everything was real, good, and substantial. He puzzled us by
making a profession of his poverty: “ I can only give you a plain
dinner,” he would say, much to our confusion; “ but when you dine
with a poor man, why,” &c., &c. There never was a word of scandal
against either of them. People wondered and were silent. Wenn was
the best companion in the world, and his wife charming at the piano.
What became of them no one knew; and not a single tradesmen
suffered by their disappearance. Our own belief is, that having seen
their children well settled, they retired into the country; and Mr. Wenn

* Among minor modern mysteries of not sufficient interest for our present under-
taking, we may notice the extraordinary circumstance of the now Famous Fat Man
of Finsbury. After his lamented decease, his butcher from whom we had the par-
ticulars, asserted that this corpulent gentleman always ate his dinner at home, and
Invariably dined upon some portion of the Calf. He lived in the strictest privacy,
and it was not until his death that he was unrerealed.

having given up his Government appointment, lived better than ever
upon nothing at all. This we do know, that they never had more than
four hundred a-year, and lived at the rate of eight thousand. How
they did it is perhaps one of the greatest Unrevealed Mysteries of
modern times.

THE RYAL ACADAMEE.

Air—“ The Ruyal Artiileree.”

Trafalgar Square is a plisant place in the months of May, June, and
July,

With its fountains, high as mountains, and its Greek Statu-a-ree;
But what does incrase
This nat’ral grace.

Is the Ryai Acadamee.

Ye ’ll there be met, by the bagginet, of the Bould Mili-taree,

On guard befure the enthrance dure of the National Galleree ;

Which same is done,

Lest the colours should run,

Erom the Ryal Acadamee.

’Tis at the wicket ye take a ticket, one shilling makes ye free,

An’ ye give it to a young man who stands by immediatelee;

Sure he looks a leedle
Like a Beadle,

To the Ryal Acadamee.

There are two fellars take the sticks and umbrellas, they ’re as busy
as the honey Bee,

’Twould play Old Harry if each could carry such things about
carelesslee;

So this rule they fix.

They want no maul-sticks.

In the Ryal Acadamee.

The females all, upon the wall, looked down so beautifullee;

Of the ladies, sure, upon the flure, 1 said sot-to vo-ee,

“ Eor painted faces,

Not the only place is,

In the Ryal Acadamee.”

Och ’twould be nice to have a vice on the Hanging Com-mit-tee,
There’s some that shine, upon the line, who niver there should be,
An’ some outside
That ’ud be a pride
To the Ryal Acadamee.

Here’s a health and love to the Mimbers of this Great Soci-e-tee!
Their pictures here don’t pass this year a medi-ocri-tee,

They are the Boys,

That make no noise,

In the Ryal Acadamee.

THE REMAINS OE STREATHAM HOUSE.

From information which we have received we gladly conclude that
the demolition of Streatham House was dictated by a necessary alterna-
tive on the part of its worthy owner. Tbe mansion of Thrale, the
hospitable home of Johnson, had, for those who desired its preserva-
tion, come to exemplify the vanity of human wishes. It was, we are
assured, in such a state that nobody would occupy it. We infer that
its sacred walls were dilapidated—if we may venture, with Johnson and
etymology in view, to predicate dilapidation of bricks. In short, if
Streatham House had not been pulled down, it would have tumbled
down. It would then have utterly perished; but Mr. Phillips, its
proprietor, instead of allowing it to crumble away, adopted the prefer-
able course of having it taken to pieces, thus, in fact, subdividing it into
so many memorials of Dr. Johnson.

This conservative proceeding, we must acknowledge, is quitethe reverse
of the destructive act of the parson who cut down Shakspeare’s Mul-
berry tree for fuel. If that tree had been in danger of rotting and had
been felled with the view of preserving the wood, then, indeed, the
cases would have been analogous. The timbers of the walls which u sed
to reverberate with Johnsonian thunder, will now be cut up into no
end of snuff-boxes, relics of the immortal Sam, and if Mr. Phillip s
wishes to do a handsome thing, he will send one of them to Punch’ s
office.

SPORT.

A Sporting Cockney afflicted with a slight lisp gave it as his opinion
“ That betting on Athcot Heath wath a Heathy way of making money.”

An Dushman’s Fatherland.—Patria.