Punch (45.1863)

12

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[July 11, 1863.

in ten thousand households, little children, as dear to them as Mr.
Bright’s to him. He implored the House not to aid the South in
“ the most stupendous act of guilt which history had recorded.” Sir
George Grey contradicted a queer statement by Mr. Roebuck that
the Emperor had complained to him that Lord Lyons had improperly
exhibited to Mr. Seward a French despatch. Next night Mr. Layard,
repeatedly and very petulantly interrupted by Mr. Roebuck, set the
matter beyond doubt by reference to dates. Nothing of the hind could
have occurred. As we believe that Mr. Roebuck is incapable of
untruth, we conclude that the Emperor inconsiderately talked French
to him, and that he had left his French ear in England. The Tuesday
debate was adjourned till Thursday, but the Westminster cooks had
other fish to fry on that night, and it stood over till the Monday.

We have to inform Materfamilias that Lord Raynham’s Bill for
abolishing the Cane in favour of the birch was somewhat summarily
rejected, the House saying, majora Canamus.

Wednesday. The House of Commons did that which next day threw
millions of stupid people into an ecstacy of wrathful bewilderment. It
read a Second Time a Bill for abolishing all the arithmetical tables which
drive little boys to distraction, and substituted a simple and uniform
systam, based on science, and in accordance with the standard of other
civilised nations. It is proposed to give England Three Years to learn
what, any boy of twelve years old could easily learn in a week. Of
course Government had too accurate an idea of the stupidity of the
people to believe that such a measure would be acceptable, and it will
be defeated this time, but if the Boys of England have true British
pluck they will demand to be taught the metrical system, and will
meantime refuse to learn the ridiculous old one. And if any School-
master dares to flog a Boy for such resistance, let Mr. Punch have the
name and address of that Pedagogue, and he shall be nailed up in
terrorem, and one school shall follow the fortune of that of Mr. Waclc-
ford Squeers. While the British Blockhead is making up his mind to
the new system, at least let it be taught in all the schools we pay for,
and let all candidates for all offices be examined in it.

Thursday. There are to be great improvements in our part of the
New World. There is to be a Constitution for Yancouver’s Island
and British Columbia, the Atlantic and Pacific are to be connected by
a railway through British North America, and that most gigantic of
Game Lords, the Hudson’s Bay Company, has consented, for the small
sum of a million and a half, to allow its wilderness of animals with
valuable skins to be opened up for Colonisation. Mrs. Britannia,
Madam,

“ These be celestial arts and worthy thee.”

And now Mr. Punch, with his habitual self-reliance, but still with an
adequate sense of the greatness of the work before him, addresses him
to a brief history of

THE GREAT REBELLION.

“ It had been known that the Leaders of Parties had, viis et modis,
been won over to the scheme which, according to the bias of those who
spoke of it, was described as the International Building Purchase, and
the Kensington Court Job. But the Leaders of Parties are not every-
body. Excitement pervaded England, and agitation against the scheme
had spread far and wide. The wily Premier had fought and won a
battle which it was hoped might decide the fate of the campaign, for
he had secured the assent of the House to the purchase of the Land.
Then, with increased wiliness, he became a little unwell, and left the
greater battle to be fought by his Lieutenants. It had been delayed
more than once, but the Chariot of the Hour arrived at last, and
Jupiter struggled in the fierce clutch of Demogorgon. On the
night of Thursday, the second of July, and the eve of the Dog Days,
Mr. Gladstone asked a Committee of the House of Commons for
£105,000 for the purchase of the domed and doomed International Build-
ings. His elaborate argument, though delivered under an evident
consciousness that he was casting away his subtle eloquence, comprised,
it may be safely said, all that could be urged in favour of the measure.
The gallant Yolunteer, Lord Elcho, moved the rejection of the vote.
He was supported by Bentinck the Tory, and Shelley the Radical.
The gentle Cowper came to his comrade’s aid, and was assailed by
Bentinck secundus, and Doulton of the Pots. The brave Lord Henry
Lennox boldly declared he voted for the scheme because the late Prince
Consort had approved it. Gregory’s swashing blow was delivered at
the Domes, and then it was felt that valour had lost the fight, but that
skill might retrieve it. Sir Stapeord Northcote tried to postpone
the decision, but the enraged Committee shouted him to silence, and
similar was the fortune of Mu. Lowe, and even of Mr. Disraeli, who
has never before been refused a hearing since the day when he said
“ The time will come when you Shall hear me.” This awful sign spoke
the doom of the domes, and told how far the mutiny had spread. The
indomitable leader of Opposition measures rushed to the front, and
sought to persuade the Commons that they were in a hasty mood—
something was said of a reduction of the vote, something of a Select
Committee—but the battle was lost, and victory hovered above the
fanner of the insurgents. Then, amid the momentary lull which pre-

cedes the death-close, Henley, and his yellow waistcoat, deserted their
chief, and joined the ranks of the mutineers. All was over. Gladstone,
chivalrous to the end, went down fighting, and the last tremendous
charge was made. “ The Guard turned and fled. Ten minutes later the
International was lying dead upon the field, with 287 bullets through
its heart.” But it had died game, and had fired 121. Such is the
chronicle of the Gnat Rebellion?

Friday. Earl Russell made one of his little moves in the direction
of a reform. He presented a petition for doing away with the sub-
scriptions required for academical degrees, and thought that at some
luture time the statements in that petition might serve as the basis of
a measure for doing away with the tests. Lord Derby, as Chancellor
of Oxford, was obliged to object to any such improvement, but did so
in a way which showed that he knew it was desirable, and there was a
debate, in which the Bishop oe London displayed his usual courage
and liberality.

In the Commons, Irish Fish and Indian Cotton were the materials of
debate, and the week was pleasingly wound up as follows. Mr. Punch
quotes the Morning Star. A squabble on the Lilley and Crawley
case was thus concluded -.—

“ Mr. Bernal Osborne. I rise to order. I protest in the name of the hon. gen-
tleman’s own client against his being allowed to go into that case again.

“ Mr. Coningham. It is the hon. gentleman who is out of order, and I recom-
mend him to confine his attention to the Irish Church, and to be more accurate
in his facts the next time he brings it forward. {Laughter.)

“ Mr. Osborne. I rise again to order. The hon. gentleman has no right to travel
out of the question.

‘ Oh Coningham. I do not know whether the hon. gentleman is sober. (Cries of

Mr. Osborne. I do not know whether the hon. gentleman is sane. (Renewed cries
of ‘ Oh ! ’)■’

In wliich cry Mr. Punch begs emphatically to join.

TO THE GRUMBLING BOY, BEKE.

Dear Charles Beke,

There were three intelligent little boys who wished to
discover the Source of the Great River Punch. We will call them
Talk, Give, and Magistrate.

Magistrate got a map of London, and a copy of Punch, and a pair
of compasses, and a directory, and went into his papa’s study. After
a time he came out and said, “I know the Source of Punch. It must
be somewhere in the Blue Clay of the London basin, and not far from
Ben Primrose and Ben Holborn, the famous mountains.”

Talk and Give put on their caps, and with their kind tutor’s leave,
and with sixpence a-piece which he had given them, walked all the way
from Burlington House to 85, Fleet Street, where they found the Head
of Punch, and were kindly received by him, and drank his health.

Who discovered the Source of the Great Punch? Nevertheless
Magistrate was a brave, good, and clever boy, and must not be
jealous,

Ever yours,

Who Discovered the Source of the Nile?

Answer to the above question, with ichich Dr. Beke has favoured Mr. Punch.

Charles Beke, Abyssinian,

It’s Punch's opinion

That “ Guess ” is a worse dog than “ Seek ; ”

You marked in some map
What Speke went to, old chap :

So Beke mustn’t cheek Grant and Speke.

Wanted, a Corporation.

The inhabitants of Ryde, in the Isle of Wight, have held a meeting
for the purpose of memorialising the Queen to constitute that town a
municipal borough by charter. Are the Ryde people so lean that they
want a Corporation? Should Her Majesty grant their petition, it is
supposed that Parliament will enfranchise the new borough. In that
case we have reason to state that an invitation to become Member for
Ryde will be addressed to Mr. Horsman.

the sea-side.

Visitors have not yet run down to our watering-places, to be blinded
by the glaring light and the little dip. It is indeed a curious sight at
the present time, and one not often witnessed, to sit on the beach, and
watch the Sea Bathing.

—“Le Gammon de Paris.” By John Arthur

Work in the Press.
| Roebuck, Esq