Punch (45.1863)

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

245

December 19, IH63.


A FACT.

“ Only a A-pen-y, Marin,, just towards a new set o' Night Shirts, Harm."

SOLOMONS IN SAWNIELAND.

The Saturday Review, the other day, endeavoured to extend its Scottish circu-
lation by inserting an abusive article on Scotland, declaring that, in Scotland, there
is no such thing as Mind ; that the intellect of Scotchmen is utterly extinct; that in
Parliament the Scotch are the feeblest of debaters, and in like degree are imbecile
in their efforts at the desk, and that neither in the Courts, the Schools of Medicine,
nor the Pulpit, has anything like talent by the Scotch been lately shown.

Now everybody knows that if you pitch into a man in print, his friends are
sure to buy the paper; and so we have no doubt this savage article on Scotland has
obtained from friends of Scotland a large increase of buyers for the Saturday
Review. Of course we would not, for one moment, desire to be thought capable
of echoing the sentiments which are above recorded ; but that there are great
Phools among the Scotch, as well as great philosophers, we think a story which
lias reached us through the Scotsman newspaper will amply serve to show. From
this statement it appears that the churchgoers of Duthul have made some rather
curious objections to a clergyman, who had recently the honour of preferment to
their pulpit, and was objected to before the presbytery of Abernetby, who lunched,
we may suppose, upon the biscuits of that name. According to the Scotsman, his
unfitness lor the office was thus logically proved :—

‘ One objector saw him enter the Church, and thought his walk was too slow, while his conver-
sation after entering was such as bore ample evidence to his weakness. Another said his eyes
were sunk in his head. Medical evidence was adduced as to the appearance of his nails, his teeth,
his gums, and the length of his fingers ; and the agent for the objectors stated in his concluding
address that the presentee was upwards of six feet high, and the proportion of weight to height
was only a stone per foot.”

Were the kirk at Duthul, what is called a “Ladies’ Church,” where piety in
petticoats chiefly pays the pew-rents, there might be some good reason in making

these objections. Personal appearance is of value in pet-
parsons, for ladies like a handsome man to look at in the
pulpit, and a couple of fine eyes, or a pair of handsome
whiskers, may often help a clergyman in bringing people
to his church. But the Scotch, we should have thought,
were far too practical and pious to pay heed to such mere
vanities as personal good-looks ; and, in their judgment of
a preacher, we should have fancied they would look more
to the powers of his mind than the proportions of his body.
Loftiness of intellect they fairly might demand in him, but
we can see no fair objection to mere loftiness of person.
Nor, though his preaching might be justly required to carry
weight, can we allow them to be justified in sending him
to Scule, merely for the purpose of objecting to his levity;
and while the shortness of his sermons might—with Scotch
hearers, at least—be a fair ground for complaint, there can
surely be small justice in finding any fault with the mere
length of his fingers. To a pet parson white teeth and
filbert-nails might be of service, in aiding him to make a
good impression on his hearers; but when we find a parcel
of Scotchmen bringing evidence about their pastor’s teeth
and nails, we must presume they do so from the thought
that as they want him to battle tooth and nail against the
“muckle black deil,” the condition of his nails and teeth is
somewhat of importance to them.

STARTLING THEATRICAL INTELLIGENCE.

We had always considered Mr. Charues Mathews
the Timid Englishman as an “Eccentric” Actor. But we
were scarcely prepared for the following announcement in
the Times:—

“ The Claydon Eccentricities.—Me. C. Matthews, one of the
monks of the ‘ Order of St. Benedict,’ set on foot by ‘ Brother Igna-
tius,’ has been received into the Roman Catholic Church at the
Broughton Oratory. Me. Matthews was known in the Order of St.
Benedict as ‘ Brother Patrick.”

Ah! how little do we know of the workings of the
human mind, judging externally ! Who would have thought
while splitting their sides at the Haymarket within the last
few weeks, that the light touch-and-go Comedian was
wearing a hair-shirt during the performance and flogging
himself with a heavy discipline between the Acts and the
shoulders. Superficial folks would have thought that he
belonged rather to the order of the Theatre than that of
St. Benedict.

Brother Ignatius will, we suppose, give a Mourning Per-
formance in testimony of the worth of his separated and
eccentric confrere. Mark, ho . ever, the cunning of humility
with which Mr. C. Mathews has hitherto hid his
austerities from the world. Few, personally unacquainted
with this versatile gentleman, could recognise the man
under the temporary mask of Plumper, Sir Charles Cold-
stream, or The Greek Chorus; who therefore would ever
arrive at the astounding fact of Mr. C. Mathews and
Brother Patrick being one and the same person. The little
game has been managed very neatly, and perhaps it is on
account of this dexterity, that the distinguished convert
allowed himself to be called in the first instance Brother
Pat-trick.

SHOOTING EXTRAORDINARY.

Some interest will have been created by the paragraph
subjoined, from the Inverness Advertiser:—

“ Good Sport.—In Athol Forest, the other day, Sir Alexander
P. G. Cumming Bart., of Altyre, killed two stags with a double-
barrelled breech-loading fowling-piece, right and left. He loaded
again, and brought down in a similar way two more. He again
loaded, and killed a fifth.”

“See, see!” as his Gloucestershire Worship says, “he
shot a fine shoot,” did Sir Alexander P. G. Cumming,
Bart., of Altyre, if it cannot also be said, with the immortal
Justice, that “he drew a good bow.” But may not that,
too, be likewise affirmed, in a sense ? To be sure, it was
with a gun that the Scottish Baronet floored the stags right
and left, two after two, and those four down another come
on. But how about certain toads in the conglomerate of
which we heard some time ago from somebody of Altyre P
Does Sir A. P. G. Cumming know who that was, and
whether any of those toads have been preserved ? If they
have not, the archery of the gentleman who described them
will be probably considered as wonderful as the marksman-
ship of Sir A. P. G. Cumming.