Punch (45.1863)

August 22. 1863.]

jPUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

A KAFFIR’S COMMENTARIES

ON THE LAWS OF ENGLAND.

The intelligent Kaffir by whose dialectics Colenso wras astonished
and put to flight, having triumphantly despatched a Bishop, is now
pointing his critical arrow at a Chancellor, we sincerely hope, not with
similar swift and fatal consequences. Our first intimation of this fact
was derived front a Letter in Zulu caligraphy addressed to “ my Lord
Westbury,” which by some unaccountable blunder found its way into
; our courier’s box. Of course we sent it on, under cover, to its destina-
tion, but it was returned to us marked “ not known as directed.” On
availing ourselves of our right of search, however, we learnt that this
disowned epistle was not intended simply for private circulation. We
have no delicacy, therefore, in extracting from it such portions as will
meet with universal assent, passing over contemptuously those unge-
nerous comments upon our jurisprudence, which Blackstone in
Elysium could not peruse without becoming paler by a shade.

Extracts from Letter of intelligent Kaffir to the Lord High Chan-
cellor of Great Britain.

“ if I am rightly informed, your Lordship is the Keeper of the Boyal
conscience. Now all Metaphysicians and Polemical writers from
Descartes to Professor Punch have held that man can have but
one conscience, if then you are the responsible custodian of the Royal
conscience, what becomes of your own ? Is it deposited pro tem. with
the Clerk of the ITanapers, or is no Lawyer ever raised to the Sack, of
Wool until Ids mens consciarecti has, by rough usage, become threadbare ?

“ When your Royal Master feels his conscience becoming trouble-
some, I understand he delivers to you a stupendous Seal, which you carry
with you wherever you go. and which is supposed to invest the bearer
with unlimited power and learning. This mystic Seal is also an emblem
ol discretion, by which your Lordship’s lips are impressed, as all inqui-
sitive people find, when by pumping you they endeavour to get at the
King’s secrets.

“ Your laws, it appears to me, must somewdiat resemble plays, as t hey
are comprised within a certain number of Acts. Many of those old
Acts are, I am assured, exceedingly mournful, while some very modern

ones can scarcely be distinguished from Earces. When I began to
study your legislative system, 1 desired my erudite Tutor Counsellor
Foxey to recommend me a compendious Text-book, whereupon he
referred me to a Work in several hundred volumes entitled ‘Statutes
at Large.’ Now, why should these statutes be at large? Don’t you
think it highly dangerous? From their violent language, a great
number ought certainly to be placed under some kind of restraint. For
example, there is a* statute still at large, which prohibits any
Philosopher, if so inclined, from crying ‘ Dust ’ in public, when we know
that all flesh is dust, and that it is a charitable and necessary duty
occasionally to remind our superiors of it. Yery often when a sour
misanthrope desires to curtail human enjoyment, lie gets a statute at
large manulactured to order, beneath which he hides his malevolence,
securely effects his nefarious purpose, and robs a poor man ot his beer.

“ If 1 mistake not, all your legislative transactions are carried on by
Bills. A vast number of Bills every year are drawn by Premier & Co.
on and accepted by Peers and Commons, and discounted by Bull—the
great National Bill-discounter. Sometimes Bills are drawn by a party
for its own accommodation. This species of kite-flying is not respect-
able. When one of Premier’s Bills is dishonoured by not being drawn
on a good House, the Firm generally, but not always, retire from
business iu disgust. Public censure is very severe upon a party who,
notoriously insolvent, refuses to shut up.

“ So far as T can judge, your Government is quite paternal.
A medical officer named Gladstone, who keeps the chequers, is
constantly feeling the pulse of the people, and regularly once a quarter
sends a Cupper to bleed them, if the Patient kicks, a soothing
powder is sometimes administered, and when he is sound asleep, the
Medical Officer claps on a blister, and taxes his ingenuity to prevent its
being taken off. Persons of a full habit must find Gladstone’s cupping
extremely refreshing.

“ Awe-inspiring as is your Lordship’s judicial presence, it is well
known that infants are frequently placed under your official protection,
and over whom you watch with maternal anxiety, locking them up it
in danger of being kidnapped, for which purpose you have a peculiar
key with several wards. Nor does your equitable tenderness rest here.
A host of very small parsons who find it difficult to get a comfortable
living, dine free at your Lordship’s table. There is some talk, now,
though, of your Lordship abolishing this charitable ordinary, and

ORDINARY PRECAUTIONS.

Never on a journey be without something in your
pockets, even if it’s only your hands.

Before you imperil yourself consider—

lstt if a family man, what your wife would say ? This
would almost necessitate taking a cab and going home at
once to see her upon the subject.

2nd. Whether assisting the sufferers may not result
in personal inconvenience to yourself; as, for instance,
being at, some future time called in as a witness.

3rd. That your motives might be misconstrued by any
policeman who might chance to see you.

4th. The influence of natural modesty. Consider that
there are so many people in London much better qualified
to be ol service in such an accident than yourself.

5th. That you are not a medical man : or if you are, that
there are a great number of the same profession far more
experienced in these cases than yourself.

6th That il the subject of the accident be a stranger to
you, he or she might look upon your interference in the light
ol a ‘‘confounded liberty.” Never push yourself forward.

7th. Il the person is insensible and cannot speak, how
do you know that he or she doesn’t like the position ?

8th. That it’s just dinner time and you must go home,
or else you’d have been most happy, &c. &c.

9th. That it’s no business of yours.

There are many other considerations, but these are cer-
tainly among the chief. Avoid sentimentalism.

When the weather threatens rain, walk into a club and
select an umbrella.

Never put off till to-morrow what can be done to-day,
except in the case of a hole in your coat, if you tell your
tailor that it must be done to-day, it’s very evident that
you’ll have to put it off till to-morrow.

Always have a good dinner and plenty of money.

Notes and Queries.

Where were the ancient Assyrian infants kept? asks
our intelligent Correspondent ‘ Ninny V.’ On consulting
Mr. Layard’s work, we find that the above mentioned
Babbies had a nursery at Babby-lon.

Testy Old Gent, (to Butler). “Claret! Yes! Yes! Pot it down; and pray,
Simpson, don’t Blow upon my Head so ! ”