Punch (45.1863)

September 5, 1863.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

MRS. NIGHTSHADE ON THE PHILOSOPHY OE
THE UNUTTERABLE.

“it is rite that them wot rede these Memoirs shood no that i ham a
Nuss (privit not ospitl)—konsequentle speke from xperiens wich in
coorse is betr than eersay. Ov hall purfeshuns a Nuss’s most onerable
(privit not ospitl)—i don’t mean too insinevat.e that Her Blesed
Magesti’s prim ministur mi lord pumicestone isn’t onerabl—but is
plase and mine is verry dil'rent—trew, he, like me, sits up rayther late
o’nites, and as A deel o’ oposishun too Kontend against, and he’s
werreted a Good deel, and ates harf and barf mesbures Butt wen he
takes a litl thing in hand, he hasn’t neer the trubl a Nuss has, in
Karryin hitt threw the Ouse.

“ Sum pepl tel u that thay don’t bleeve In the wisitashun ov sperets—
i don’t miself giv Kredens too hall the gost storees i eer, but i doo
bleeve in sperets Gineraliy—i bleeve that many things wot disapeer
most hunacountably ar spereted away— 4 xampl T hand shugar—itt
orlen wexes me to eer Ladis (so kawld) wunderin about the T goin so
last, wen they’ve mislade the kee ov the cady—in coorse if I where to
lay it too the sperets, 1 M ood b sett down has superstishus tho’sperets
in Gineral i bleeve r fond ov bison dust—hatt hall events has my Trend
.Mrs. gingham sais ‘sperets Mum and T mixes unkimonly wmll
, 2-get,her.’

“jest to show that there his sicli a feenomenon as dubble Site i will
state wot, kame under mi hown Obserwashun. me and Mrs. gingham
(wot is hallso a Nuss, privit not, ospitl) was settin hup one nite with A
halderman wot had taken Hill on kumin home from A wite bate dinr
Att Grinish—there was too kandles on the tabl and The hallderman
took his davy that, he seed fore ! ! !

now as 2 sofers cheers and ut,her Pi mi ter goinupp in the Hare (widy
M. howit’s revelashuns)—i remember 1 kase in pertikler—i was takin
kare ov a Willow in Sinjin Wood for a famile wot had gone out ov
touu lor the seeson (itt, was in hawgust) i was hall alone in the drawin
room (it, was about, a quarter to 11)—i badd made miself a kumfurtabl

jugg ov Eg'hot, and was dozin On the sofer (i hadn’t taken abuv a Pint
or so) wen hall ov a sudn i felt the sofer rise with me rite Upp in the
Hare!!!—then it came down—then itt rose upp so itt kontineveed
for several ours Til i woke and found A pelisseman standing over me
with a bull’s i Lantern who sed ‘ i beg pardon M. butt you’ve forgotn
to klose the strete dore and its A mersy as the Primises hasn’t bin
robd.’ on anuther okashun wen i’d been Takin sum port whine
Negress i Pelt the ole room go round and round jest has it his hapt to
do wen There’s a mediem in itt.

“a sillybrat.ed mediem In a wurk wot has lately kum out spekes of a
lace-borderd kap bein presented By a speret—my Frend Mrs. gingham
mett with a similar hinstance of speretual ginerosite—it was at a
manshun nott Far from the brumton bilers were she was in wait.in pur-
feshunly—she was a dozin in a eesy Cheer before the fire wen she 1
fauseed she heerd a Wisperin in the hadjinin haypartment—akordiule
she putt her I to the kee-ole, and there she sor a Helegant young ladi
in wite muslin with a bowket sitin doun wile a andsum yung horficer
in millintery kuniform nelt before her and kisd her alleybaster and—my
Frend Mrs. g. gave a slite m. att which the yung ladi started and
became as pale as Det.h ! ! Mrs. g. then returnd to her cheer and fell
asleep—wen she woke wot was her sirprise to find a bootiful lace kap on
tier nee—she menshund the sirkumstans to the youDg ladi who Told
Mrs. g. in konfidens, that it was a kap belongin to her granmamar wot
had bin Ded neer upon aleven Yeers, and Begd her not to tel any 1
which (septin me) she never did. on turnin the kap over in their minds
neet.hur Mrs. g. nor the young ladi hadd ani dout but that a tsharitable
speret had putt it were it was found.

“ hevervbode wot knows hanything at hall about sperets is Awair how
b—e—a—utifull they Play the hacordiun—y sperets shood prefer That
hinstrument, to hall uthers i karn’t himagin—1 wood have thort sperets
had rayther have Taken lesons on the Fidl, konsiderin (as Mr. howit
must hadmit) how eesy it is to draw the Long Bow.

“ (note—hadded bi mks. gingham), in 1 wrespect sperets is like black
Beadles—there I-site is wery sensitiv, hand much has they injoy
thereselves in the Dark, they always wanish wen Lite is kast upon ’em.”

A DEAR YOUNG LADY.

A Young lady has said
That she no man will wed
Who’s worth less than six hundred a year,

One would fancy, to keep,

A white elephant cheap.

If compared to a damsel so dear.

Full one hundred; no less.

She must spend upon dress.

Every year of her conjugal life;

Only somebody who
Is as rich as a Jew,

Could afford to maintain such a wife.

Oh, how lovely must she.

To expect so much, be!

But who prizes mere beauty’s a goose.

Like the plum’s bloomy rime,

’Tis brushed off in no time.

And how then if your wife’s of no use ?

Wrhat can this girl, then, do ?

Can she bake ? Can she brew ?

Can she wash? Can she cook? Can she mend ?
Or is she nothing worth
Than the fruits of the earth
To consume, and a fortune expend ?

Job at the Foreign Office.

And so Sir James Hudson is choked off to be super-
seded by an Elliot ! It is a wonder that Earl Russell
is not tired of finding places for the Elliots, of whom there
aie so many. He must be very patient. The continual
task of placing out those Elliots is enough to tire the
patience of Job.

Health of the Metropolis.

A Gentleman who lately took a house near the Marble
Arch, in order that his health might be benefited by the
breezes blowing across Hyde Park, now complains of the
waut of fresh air, alleging as his reason that the park is so
close. This must be looked to.

RATHER A KITCHENY WAY OF PUTTING IT.

Eousema-id. “Oh —but it couldn’t a bin ’er!”

Cook. “ I TELL TER IT WERE —SHE CALLED UPON MlSSUS THIS MORNING, AND

she ’ad on a Pork Pie 'At, and half a Pheasant stuck in it ! ”