Punch (45.1863)

November 28, 1863 1 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI,

215


Infuriated Principal opening Fast Clerk's telegram ly mistake (reads)—“Tom Tit
sure to win—Telegraph and say if you will have Pony on—if so, send
Gash to-day ! ”

ROME AND STRATHBOGIE.

Pio Nono, Pope o’ Rome,

Just, retract your vain pretensions,

Haud your ain by Peter’s tomb,

O’er a space o’ sma’ dimensions,

Hech, ye puir auld doited deil!

Hoot awa’, ye daft auld fogie!

Ye’re nae Pontiff to the cbiel
That doom’d Gude Words at braw Stratkbogie.

On the Seven Hills sae hie
Ance there sat a Scarlet Bodie;

Noo aloft enthroned is she
In the land o’ whiskey-toddie.

Aye wi bluid o’ martyrs fou,

Noo she gets as unco groggie.

Whilst she. sips the mountain dew,

An’ sits in pride aboon Strathbogie.

In the Vatican’s mirk den
Dwelt of auld the muckle Beastie.

Seven heads and hornies ten
Typified the tyrant priestie.

Sair his number has perplexed
Mony a learned mystagogueie;

’Twill, in Johnnie Cuhming’s next,

Aiblins be explained Strathbogie.

Prae the banks o’ Tiber’s gane
Babylon the Great an’ glorious,

Wi’ her interdict, an’ ban,

And Index Expurgatorius ;

Sae Gude Words is pit into
That forbidden catalogues,

Gang an’ kiss M‘Gilvray’s shoe :

Babylon is noo Strathbogie.

Geological Intelligence.

A Horse-shoe, real iron, has been turned up at the
depth of seven metres in the diluvium of pre- Adamite deposit
in a railway excavation in the Orme valley, between Caen
and Conde. We expect that this so-calied pre-Adamite
horse-shoe will turn out to be less of a pre than a pone.

ZOOLOGICAL STREET MUSIC WANTED.

Dear Punch,

Among the many scores of other interesting creatures which
the Zoological Society have recently exhibited, I am delighted to
observe that some lied Howling Monkeys have been added to the
various attractions of the beast-garden. Of these enchanting animals
a report before me states :—

“ The ursine or red howler (Mycetes ursinus), the species to which these specimens
belong, is found in Guiana, Venezuela, and New Granada. Like others of the same
genus, it is remarkable for its extraordinary vocal powers. ‘ Nothing,’ says the well
known traveller, .Waterton, who encountered this animal during his wanderings
in Demerara, ‘ can sound more dreadful than its nocturnal howlings. While lying
in your hammock in these gloomy and immeasurable wilds, you bear him howling
at intervals from eleven o’clock at night until daybreak. You would suppose that
half the wild beasts of the forest were collecting for the work of carnage. Now.it
is the tremendous roar of the jaguar, as he springs upon his prey; now it changes to
his terrible and deep-toned growlings, as he is pressed on all sides by superior force;
and now you hear his last dying moan beneath a mortal wound.’ ”

And a, further statement tells me that—

“ The howling monkeys are provided with a special mechanism in the throat,
formed by the development of the hyoid bone and thyroid cartilage, for the pro-
duction of these discordant sounds, which, according to Humboldt, can be heard
at the distance of nearly a mile.”

I regret to learn, however, that these delightful animals “appear to
possess a very delicate organisation, and to suffer severely from the
effects of our changeable climate.” I am shocked to find that when
the latest bulletin was issued the invalids were “languishing from the
effects of close confinement,” and I hope some kind zoologist will pro-
pose that now and then they should be let out of their cages and taken
lor a walk, or, if they would prefer it, allowed to climb about the trees
and bushes in the gardens, or to amuse themselves, like many a “young
monkey ” in a pinafore, by plucking all the flowers that they can lay
their paws upon. If any be too weak to walk, or take this other active
exercise, I should hope an invalid carriage will be at. their disposal; and
it it were announced that, the Bed Howlers would be wheeled about,
the gardens in perambulators, every day while they continued in their
invalidish state, I have no doubt that the sufferers would become still

greater objects of attraction than they would ever be in health and in
their natural state.

It seems a pity the Howling Monkeys should not by some process
be acclimatised to England, for just consider, Sir, what valuable crea-
tures they would be, could they be trained to give street concerts for
the benefit of organ-grinders, and take a part in the nocturnal music ol
the Waits. A voice wdiose bowlings are quite audible at nearly a mile
off is an organ much more powerful than any barrel one 1 know of, aod
would prove most useful in disturbing hardworked students, and
keeping sick people awake. Were bands of these Bed Howlers to be
let loose, like the German bands, upon our quiet neighbourhoods, the
nuisance of street music might become so unendurable that Parliament
might be disposed in time to take the matter up. Every student knows
that it is even now so terrible that nothing short of howling monkeys
could aggravate its horrors, and I should like to see these animals per-
forming day and night before the houses of our senators, until in their
collective wisdom they might think it worth their while to pass a
strmgent Act whereby street music should be stopped.

Eondly hoping the Bed Howlers may for this end be acclimatised,
believe me, my dear Punch.

Yours distractedly,

A. Sufferer.

P.S. If the monkeys be too delicate to do what is required of them,
might not an Anti-Member-of-Parliament-Ever-Sleeping-Club be
started, to hire the worst of street musicians perpetually to haunt the
houses of M.P.’s, until they thought it worth their while to do some-
thing or other to mitigate a nuisance which, although innocuous to
idle empty-headed people, is terribly tormenting to workers who have
brains r

MOTHER WIT.

First Coster. 1 say, Bill, wot’s the meanin’ o’ Congress ?
Second Coster. A shee heel. Eemale of CoDger.

Political Economy.—Splitting your Vote.